“Here’s to the nice ones! The sweethearts, the gentlemen and the polite souls in a rude world!” said Steve Jobs never! If anything, Steve Jobs was the antithesis of the ‘nice boy!’ He was reckless and rude. It was even rumoured that he used to fire people in elevators during his tenure at Apple. He was the poster boy for the ‘bad boy’ image. I am certain Mr. Jobs had girls swooning over him while he was in college.
But what about people like me? The ‘nice ones’? We are the epitome of politeness. Our hearts are constantly broken, our butts kicked and our emotions are played upon by mean but pretty girls. Yes, mean but pretty girls.
If there was ever a Department of Love affairs in some government in the world, I’m pretty sure they would a statistic which read like this: “By the time you read this article these many (x times 100, where x>0; Yes I’m an Engineer!) men have been friend zoned and their hearts were ruthlessly broken!”
Things come to a head only when things happen to you. Yes unfortunately, yours truly, has been friend zoned by someone after he developed a huge crush on her. Therefore this is my open letter to the girl who takes advantage of sweet guys like me and says, “I don’t feel that way about you. We’re just friends!” “Oh God!” How crushing it is to hear that!
Why O Why do ladies play with us like that? You hypnotise us with your playfully vague statements or some leading remarks and we are left hanging on for dear life! Hoping against hope that one day you’ll be the one!
But guess what you end up doing the very next day? Instagram-ing a duck faced selfie with some random dude you met on Tinder. Why O Why?
Pretty girls have it easy. It’s a fact. Accept it. You can be a staunch feminist, but there is an inherent bias towards members of the fairer sex particularly for those who look really pretty. If you were to step into our shoes for a day you would know the pain. It’s sometimes unbearable.
You give your best doe-eyed smile to your lab partner (who I am pretty sure is being wheedled and taunted by his friends who would kill to stand beside you for almost two hours in a week) in college and Voila! Your experiment is taken care of.
You use the same smile and some poor bloke recharges your cell phone/orders a pizza/gets you a drink.
You want a job after college? Message a senior who worked his a** off and he puts in a special word for you. Now, at the very least, you’re ahead of curve. You are running behind on your assignment, no problem! No need to even ask your ‘friend’ from the other part of the world for help! He’s there! You can count on him, even if it is 2 a.m. by his time and he hasn’t slept for days finishing what should have been his own assignments. You get that done!
Ladies Ladies Ladies! Ever wondered why men offer to do these things for you? It’s simple really! After all men are very stupid creatures. Being with you makes them feel special. Interacting with you in some way or the other is something that men value a lot.
If that means running errands/excruciating tasks – so be it! We will do whatever it takes! What do we expect in return? That you somehow understand the feelings that are stirred within us and at least try to reciprocate them.
In our heads, we are waaaay ahead and have already started planning about what our life would look like after 20 years with you in it. I know it sounds way far fetched but, we can’t help ourselves and fall head over heels for you.
Also, don’t insult our intelligence by pretending to be ignorant. You can’t hide behind that veil. I mean a guy drops everything he’s doing and comes running to help you. Isn’t it obvious that he has a mad crush on you?
We keep waiting for the next opportunity to talk to you. Whenever your IM status changes to ‘online’, our brain perks up no matter how shitty a day we are having. We end up messaging something innocuous or outright stupid like the breed of Llamas found in west Tibet to you. Ever been in these kinds of situations ladies? I’m sure most of you have.
Our hearts skip a beat and we find ourselves having an adrenalin rush like no other when your status changes to ‘typing.’ Finally, when you excuse yourself (“Mom is calling me for dinner!” “My friend and I are going shopping!” “My favourite show is up next!”) We hate to let you go.
In fact if it were up to us we would keep talking with you. But we don’t want to come across as a prick and we understand that you have other important things in life.
We are just left wondering when we would figure out in your list of important things!
But we don’t stop there. More often than not, we find ourselves going over the conversation that we had with you again and again. We can’t help but stupidly smile at our screens each time we do so.
There are also times when you are cruel with us and simply stop responding to messages. Those are our dark days when we are left wondering if you are over us. Then when one fine day you respond, it means the world to us.
When you post your oh-so-gorgeous selfie online, we feel compelled to comment and like. Why? The same reason. We want to stay in the ‘limelight’ with respect to you. We don’t want you to forget us and we have this fairy tale vision of you finally and somehow magically understanding the feelings that we feel deep down within.
Why do we do such a stupid thing? Because we want to be involved in your life to a greater extent. In our heads we can’t wait for you to ‘choose’ us. It is the anticipation of ending up with a person like you that makes us do such crazy things.
And then you go and lament to your girl buddies and say, “Where have all the sweet men gone?” Look around, they are everywhere!
More often than not, you start dating one of the ‘bad boys’. Then you start putting up insanely descriptive status messages and uploading pictures with him. The world is over for us. But the ‘nice guys’ that we are, we will always be there for you, even when you want to rant about the idiot. We try our best to liven you up when he breaks your heart and runs away. We are here to help you pick up the pieces. Again hoping against hope!
Please don’t offend us by bracketing us with those ‘bad boys’. We are way different than those cretins. You should know. We do the hard work and you fall for them. What do you see in them? Some dude wearing a leather jacket and riding a Harley? Some guy who has muscular brawn and a tattoo? Please! Trust me. We are way better than those stereotypical losers!
Unlike them, we will never ever dream of breaking your heart! We never think dirty about you and for the life of us will never take advantage of you. All we want to do is to be close to you. Maybe with your hands in ours, your shoulders resting on ours, talking a walk, watching the sun set. We are the ones who remain faithful because if we do start going out, you would be our world. Everything would revolve around you.
The mischievous ones amongst you would let us flirt with you as well. Actually wait; it’s not the nice guy who starts flirting. Surprise! Surprise! It’s actually you who instigates us with your flirtatious comments! (“Don’t you think I’m hot?” “I’m jealous of her sitting close to you in class!’’ “You’re the cutest guy I’ve ever met!” “Why are you so sweet?”)
Don’t you dare deny it! I’ve experienced this first hand many times and in my opinion it is outright mean. You know full well that you would be trashing us the next day. But you still go ahead and start playing with us.
More often than not, many of us don’t even know the first thing about flirting. But we still try with our stupid cheesy and often copied one liners! (“Got to be a sign of me going to the next level right?” “I mean why would she say something like this otherwise?” “I think I’ve finally made it!”)
Don’t even mention the ‘caring’ comments that you make. (“Why don’t you have breakfast every day?” “You should go sleep now. It’s late!” “You should take care of your health!”) It’s surely endearing when you make us do things that are good for us. But we end up confused about our status. It’s hell. I’ve been there. When you finally go ahead and drop the F-bomb, we are inconsolable.
We start pondering about the meaning of life. But a voice deep down within us tells us not to lose hope and at least to stay in touch. We do.
Then one fine day, we let slip our thoughts about another one of you whom we find cute. Because hey we are friends now aren’t we? And then you say things to the effect of, “This just increased your chances of landing in the Friend zone mate!” sending us into a massive tizzy! (“But wasn’t I already in the friend zone?” “Did I screw up my only chance with you?” “Oh man, why did I let my guard down?”)
Sometimes we end up offending you with some comment which to our stupid mind is considered a joke. Ladies we are truly sorry about that. Believe us please!
But you go the extra mile and stop talking to us and refuse to answer our calls/text without any further ado. Our world comes crashing down in a matter of second and we find ourselves sleepless with only two questions in our mind. What aspect of our comment made you cease talking to us? How can we make it right?
When you finally get over it and start talking to us it’s like Bambi finding Faline! We thank our stars and continue to be enamoured by your charm. So ladies, please have a heart and spare a thought for the ‘nice guy’ around you. You know not the powers that you wield over us. Use it wisely. I think it can’t get more ironical than this.
I ended up writing this story for one pretty lady who ‘jelly-fies my knee joints!’ I skipped lunch and have been pounding away at my computer for three hours straight. She asked me to write. How could I say no to her? So you see ladies? All you have to do is to flash us one of your smiles and we’re like putty in your hands. Use us at your will. We’ll never refuse!
A Nice Guy.