Dear Mom, You Taught Me Everything But To Live Without You

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 28 August, 2017

My Dear Mom,

I still remember the pain you went through when I was in your womb for seven months. Yes, I came out early mom because I wanted to see you smile, I didn't want you to feel more pain. And mom I still remember the pain you went through when I was five and fell from the stairs.

You didn't allow me to fall, instead you hurt yourself by holding me on your shoulders. When I cry, people say you are watching me.

But are you really watching me mom? I don't trust people so easily and you know that. If you were watching me, you would have stopped my tears, isn't it mom? Because I know, you can't be that stone-hearted that you'll see me crying and won't even console me. People force me to eat food, but how can I swallow it knowing the fact that you aren't with me anymore?

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On your 30th anniversary, I was really excited mom. People here are following rituals of the 3rd day of your death. Do you remember when I asked you about the gifts you wanted on this day and you said, "just be happy, beta," do you remember our talks mom? You always wanted me to be an engineer. See, I became one and will you come to my graduation day, mom? Remember how we dreamt of hugging each other at my graduation ceremony? Can you fulfill this dream now, mom?

You always wanted me to be successful. If I turn out to be successful, will you come to see me, mom? Will you be there to share my happiness on those days? You always wanted one kanchivaram saree from my first salary. I will get you as many sarees as you want but will you wear them for my sake, mom?

It doesn't need your whole body to function, it just needs you to breathe. 

Can you just breathe? Can you just see me earning my livelihood? Do you remember mom, whenever we went for shopping, you always asked me to get the costliest things for you. I will buy you everything you want, will you just see me once, mom? Why don't you answer me? This is so cruel of me. I'm still asking you questions when I know this time you can't answer me, for the first time in my whole life.

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When I went to live in a hostel for the first time, you sobbed the whole day. When I was in the hostel and you prepared good food at home, you used to call me just to inform me that you missed me. Now I won't go back to the hostel, mom. Can you prepare some food for me now? And now, for how many days should I cry? Till you come back to see my success? Or till I'm dead? Did you hear people speaking, mom?

Everyone from father's side was praising you today. They said, "She was (it hurts to use the word 'was') the kindest of all daughters-in-law in our family. She was the best," they said mom. And mom whenever you had fights with dad for minor reasons, you used to say, "My youngest son will take care of me, my youngest son will take me to his home."

Yes mom, I will never let you cry in my new house. I will take care of you. Please come back.

Please? I still remember mom, when I had a ligament tear on my knee 2-3 months ago, you helped me; To sit. To stand. To walk. To brush. To sleep. You even helped me bathe. But why didn't you teach me to live without you? Remember you used to tease me when you saw my pictures with girls? But you left me without seeing my bride, mom. Without selecting the girl for me or without accepting the love of my life.

I don't think I will smile ever again, like I used to. Laugh like I used to. Roam around with friends like I used to. I have many complaints from you for leaving me like this, mom. I had fresh wounds in my life and your loss made it worse.

I can't type more, mom. I can't deny the fact that my tears are rolling down my cheeks while I type this. But, you aren't there to pick me up. Please teach me to be strong, mom. I beg you.
Author's Note:

The one reading this, please don't console me. Mumma, taught me to take care of myself. I will beg you to pray for her soul. And one more request, please share your feelings with your mother, no one can predict the future. Please go and tell her that you love her. No one is going to question you about it. People say, may her soul rest in peace but I won't say that, I still believe she is around and that's the reason I'm alive, isn't it mom? I love you so much mom.