All I Got After Falling In Love With That ‘Modern’ Man Was A Broken Sense Of Self Respect

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 31 October, 2018

I am a typical traditional south Indian girl. He was influenced by the western world.  Being modern is awesome indeed.

But I honestly feel that we don't have to give up our culture to prove that we are modern. Following our age-old traditions doesn’t make us old-fashioned.

He was my senior in college. He was very smart and handsome. He had an ocean of knowledge and was the board topper. I was impressed by all this. Initially, we didn't know each other too well. But I got to know him later on through my friends. When I first joined college, I didn't own a phone. So we would chat continuously on Facebook. After 3 months, I got a phone and I made my first call to him. We spoke for an hour that day.

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My grandfather passed away on New Year’s Day. So I had to leave for my native place. By the time I returned, one of our mutual friends had created a misunderstanding between us and had then blamed his bestie for the whole thing. We did not talk to each other for several days after that. I wasn’t too bothered by it. But after a while, he organized our college trip. We met again during that time and started chatting with each other. Our misunderstanding was resolved when we discussed it again now. A few months later, we became very close to each other. One day, he invited me to his house. I was very excited about it.

When I did visit his house, I noticed that he was busy preparing for his exams. Again, I was impressed by his studiousness.

We spoke for a while after which I came back home. A few visits later, I had met his parents, pets, and neighbours too.

Sometimes, I feel I am very sentimental. I am able to forge unbreakable ties with new people very quickly. I could feel the positive vibes in his surroundings and was mesmerized by it.
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A few months later, he said, “Don’t you have a boyfriend?” I said, “No. I’m single.”

Our exams were round the corner now. So I uninstalled WhatsApp from my phone and spent all my time with my books. I stopped associating with all my friends. I wanted to fight with only my exam fear at this time. I knew that if I allowed my exam fear to overwhelm me, it would murder all my confidence rapidly.

Yet, I could not focus on my academics. I had to drop a semester in my course. Now I really started regretting my mistake. One day, he invited me to his house once again. We were casually talking with each other when he said, “What is going on in your mind right now?”

Maybe my fear of falling in love with him was evident on my face. But it took me 45 minutes to say what I still couldn’t figure out about myself. Yes, I loved him and God knows how he got to know that.

I got up from my chair. He too stood up in front of me. And for the first time in my life, I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. Suddenly, he hugged me and kissed my forehead. I was stunned by his gesture. When I went back home, I noticed that I was running a temperature. It took me a month to regain my sense of normalcy. I realized that we had moved forward in our friendship.

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Soon enough it was time for me to clear my backlog papers. My exam dates kept getting postponed. The final set of dates was declared and I was busy preparing for my papers. He had finished his course by now. His bestie, who was a Nepali, had left for her hometown without giving him any contact number or address.

This brilliant guy joined a hospital (We are students of medicine) and started working. He now kept complaining about his workload. Apparently, he had to give medical advice to several patients every day.

He started having mood swings now and I had to put up with all this every day just to support him. At one point in time, I felt that he was behaving like this because something was bothering him. I repeatedly asked him to tell me the reason for his bad mood. He would always give me the same reason. By now our final exam schedule was declared. We had our exams in less than four days.

That was the day he chose to tell me the truth. It was a devilish night and I really wished I had died that day.

He said, “I have met a rich girl in my hospital. She is very attractive. We have our lunch together. I fell in love with her within a week.”

I felt as if I was choking. I went numb when I heard my guy tell me that he liked another woman. I knew he had an ex but he had never told me what had gone wrong between them.

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Now suddenly, I found he had hidden several stories about his life from me. All my dreams came crashing down.

I cried my heart out. I confided in my bestie. I felt better when she consoled me. I now got the courage to move ahead with my life. I finished my exams and passed out with really good scores.

Three days after my birthday, I decided to meet him again in his house. I planned to confess my love to him properly this time. We ended up forgiving each other and also decided to forgive all the other people who had created problems in our love life. He was leaving for California to pursue his higher education.

He was zealous about his career and I did not want to hold him back with my love. So I really couldn't express my feelings or my love to him that day.

Time waits for no one. We decided to meet at his house one last time before he left. I gave him a gift and a farewell card and returned home. The next week, we met again with my seniors at KFC and he gifted me some perfume. I cried my heart out that night. I felt so lost. I felt everything was over between us.

I somehow felt I had lost myself in my love for him.
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I asked him to meet me a day before he was supposed to leave. I was standing a few metres away from his house. He claimed that he was not feeling well and did not step out of his house. I hated him that day.

It was only after he left that I realized so many things. He always accused me of being childish and immature. He would often tell me that I was a bad decision maker. I had been so deeply in love with him at that time, that I had done my best to mould myself.

I wanted to fit into his life perfectly but failed miserably when I tried to do so.

I cried my heart out for the next few weeks. But I knew nobody would appreciate my sadness.

I had really put in a lot of efforts to make our relationship work. I loved wearing traditional clothes. Basically, I am a homely girl. The entire world would adore me for such things – except him.

He would always demotivate me with his words. Slowly, in his absence, I could sense my love towards him subsiding. I knew he had shattered the trust that I had in him. A few months later, it was New Year’s Day again. I prayed sincerely on that day and asked God to give me the strength to remove him from my heart and mind. I cut off all contact with him and was focussed on moving on with my life.

Towards the end of the year, he made a superhero entry into my life again and dug up all the feelings that I had managed to bury.

He said, “If you love me, you have to prove it to me.” For a moment, I was dumbstruck by his words. I somehow couldn’t visualize myself doing crazy things to prove my love to him. I simply said, “I really love you.”He said, “I am not impressed by your words.”

Well, I was no poet. So I did not know how to use fine words to impress him. I just hoped that he could perceive the love that I had for him with my gestures.

I had sent him a birthday card (all the way from India to the US) so that it reached him in time on his birthday but such small things obviously did not mean much to him. So, at the end of it all – all my efforts proved to be futile.

I realized that I was much too outdated for him. I knew I would always remain out of fashion for a modern person like him.

I had done everything that I could to get him. And all I had got at the end of it all was a broken sense of self-respect. All my close friends were blaming me for my actions.

We met one last time after 7 months. I confessed that I still loved him. But he, as usual, claimed that I was still a kid and things just wouldn’t work for us.

I had no reply to his words. In fact, I didn't want to reply to his words either. I had just wanted to tell him about the immense love that I had for him. I had done that. Now, finally, I am happy to be on my own.
Author's Note:

Dear readers: Don’t go after a person who doesn’t bring out the best in you. All of us are unique. Just ensure that the person you fall in love with is your best choice. He/She should never be a person who tears you apart. Above all, trust your instincts more than you trust anything or anyone else.

Editor's Note:

Every experience in life touches us in some way. Maybe only when we interact with people who are completely different from us, we realize how ‘simply cool and chic’ we are in our own unique skins. Often it takes years for people to accept us just the way we are. But we do discover hidden aspects about ourselves when we interact with our soul mates on a daily basis. Let’s share this story and learn to look at the inner beauty of a person.