After Waiting For 9 Months, I Don't Know How To Leave This Hospital Empty Handed

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 29 April, 2018

With their death, a mother was born. They came unannounced and left as quickly as possible leaving us shattered and traumatized. The memories of them are always present in my unconscious mind. I neither cuddled them nor touched them as I was impure at that time because of postpartum bleeding. I often dream of them wrapped in white kafans. This is the story of my first twin babies who were born prematurely.

Like every couple we were also excited and happy when we found out about them. This journey of motherhood started but it didn't go as smoothly as I thought it would be.

It was nevertheless a never-ending journey for me with mixed emotions of pain and joy. Many sleepless nights I would spend to feel their moves in my belly. When we were alone, I used to talk to them in the hope that they were listening to me. After my first trimester ended, I went to stay at my mother's place. But as soon as the second trimester started, by the end of the fourth month, I started having complications. For others, these problems were not an issue as it is encountered by most of the pregnant women. But for me, it was affecting my day to day life from walking to sitting, everything. The biggest problem I faced was by my sense of smell, everything including my own body’s smell which made me sick feeling nauseated. Because of smell, I gave up on most food. Even water tasted bitter. On 17 April 2017, I went for a scan and came to know that one of my babies was ill. His urinary tract was blocked, and his kidneys were swollen. As the doctor was doing the scan and watching the monitor with scrutiny, she told me about this, and a tear rolled from the corner of my eyes.

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My biggest fear came true. In the dead of night, I always feared that something would happen to me or my babies. I don't know why but I always feared.

During that time, I avoided any fights or arguments with anyone keeping in mind what would happen to me if I die next day after the fight. But then also I had heated arguments with my husband and we wouldn’t talk to each other for 3 days. The doctor was concerned about me and my babies’ wellbeing, so she advised me to go back to Hyderabad as medical facilities are far better there. I was also having the problem of water discharge which was lethal for my babies, so I was advised complete bed rest. The never-ending fights with my husband started from here itself as he wanted to take his mother along with us to Hyderabad and I wanted my mother to accompany me. My husband didn't want my mother to come. I had my own reasons for taking my mother or sister along with me. I was diagnosed with liver abnormalities as my sgpt alkaline phosphatase were high and also there was a risk of gestational diabetes. With these two, I had to cut off many things from my diet to keep my babies away from danger. My mother in law is old and barely does her own work. How would she take care of me when she was unable to take care of herself? This question kept coming to my mind.

And I knew no one on this earth can take place of my mother, not even my husband. After so many discussions, arguments, sleepless and crying nights, I was ready to go with him and my in laws.

My husband came to take us along with him. On 6 may 2017, my husband and I again argued about going with in-laws. But as always, he was not ready to listen to me. He turned away from me and slept. During that time, for the first time in one and a half year of marriage, I asked myself, “does this man really love me or I was just hallucinating?” That night I cried in pain, both physical and emotional. This was the man for whom I left my home, my parents, my ambitions, my dreams. I left everything behind which I used to love earlier for the sake of his love. And I got this reward in return.

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Rather than understanding me, he was not ready to listen to me also. For him his family was important and for me the wellbeing of my babies was important. I had labor pain that midnight and I was taken to the hospital.

There I delivered two premature baby boys, as it was the end of the 6th month, weighing 600 gms and 800 gms respectively. When I was in labour, I had a glimpse of them, both so blue, small, tender, their hands and legs so well formed with round heads. I didn't know it was the first and last time I was seeing them alive. But deep inside, I knew it's very hard for my immature babies. Soon after their birth, I asked one of the attenders about their gender. He told me that both are boys. I again asked him if they will be able to survive and his answer was, “pray to God”. It was so heartbreaking to hear this when I was still on that labour table.

The delivery was a normal one, along with 4 stitches down there. My babies were immediately shifted to neonatal ICU. But they were unable to catch up.

The fate was against me. One of them died after 1 hour of birth and the other one died 41 hours after birth. I was so devastated, so broken, so lost, so much in pain. Losing a child is the parents’ worst nightmare. It's an unimaginable, inexpressive, irreconcilable pain with which you must live with somehow. Nothing on earth can lessen this pain. I miss them a lot. I feel so empty, hollow inside as if someone snatched a piece of me from me. When I see couples around with their children, it reminds me of my emptiness. I often dream of them, or other children, or my nieces. In the dark, late at nights, I just stare at the ceiling or fan in my room recalling everything from the beginning. During my pregnancy, I had a sleeping problem and it's still persistent. I can't sleep and when I sleep, my dreams are very disturbing. Sometimes I get nightmares that don’t let me sleep, my eyes stay wide open even at midnight. At such times, I long for secure hugs from my husband but as usual, he is always sleeping. I don't know whether he feels my pain and disturbance or not. But his actions have always proved the opposite.

These few lines from a song caught my attention. ‘I have died everyday waiting for you/ Darling don't be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years/ I love you for a thousand more/ And all along I believe I will find you/ Time has brought your heart to me/ I have loved you for a thousand years/ I love you for a thousand more’ - A Thousand Years by Christina Perri.
Editor's Note:

Share this story because this pain is too dark to be spoken about, it needs to be shared because it is too much to bear alone.