Why do we remember the memories we don’t want to? God knows, I tried. I tried to forget you, tried to erase your flashbacks, but if it was that easy to move on, it wouldn’t be worth it in the first place.

People remember their first date because it’s a first of everything.

First time you hold their hands, the first time you walk together, the first time you laugh while making fun of the other couple in the park, the first time you look in their eyes, the first time you hear the way they breathe, the first time you order something for them, the first time you care about how your hair looks. While walking down the park, you secretly try to push them on the sideways or maybe trying to tip their shoes out. First time watching the glimmer in their eyes when they share what they like about you, and you do the same. The first dates are cute and it should be because you don’t get another chance to start over. If you’re lucky, maybe she’ll agree to meet you again without her best friend hovering over you.

Days will pass and your inbox will be full of her messages, re-reading them thousands of times would be your favorite past time. Waiting for her to come back online, hearing that ‘ting’ sounds make you jump on your feet. Yeah, that’s how it feels to love someone.

But what if there comes a time when you cannot love them, when you choose something different over them, and you've got to leave being with her first thing in the morning? How do you sleep that night when everything around falls down, not gradually but all together? How do you bring the courage to tell her, that you won’t be talking to her anymore, over the phone like a coward? What reasons will you give, how much truth will you tell? And most importantly, how will you hold your tears back and sound determined because if I’ve learned a thing in my life, it’s that relapsing happens.

It’s easy to spend a couple of days without talking, but then life happens when you get hit by the memories, and it’s not just the memories of your kisses, but the simple memories that never had substantial meaning in the past. The memories, the flashbacks, the gifts; no school taught me what to do about that. The fear feels real, the fear that your life would never be the same again, the fear of self harm, the fear of what they’d do after that, the fear that you’ll be texting them again when you’re down, the fear they might not respond, the fear that they might respond. What do you do then? Do you think motivational videos or Pinterest posters work? None of that s*** matters when you're down.

The only thing that will get you through is - why you're doing that, why are you choosing a life without her? And if you can't answer that then probably you don't understand life, especially love because life is nothing if there ain't any love. You need to have a solid reason as to why this is better and stand by it, even when she's silently screaming in her head that you're making a mistake.

If you think that she would understand the logic? She won't and she shouldn't even. Girls aren't made to think logically in the conditions of the heart, they are made to love unconditionally. They'll love you even when you don't and that's what makes them beautiful and dangerous. Nonetheless, loving you was the most exotic experience of my life, I might have loved many women before you came along in my life, god's a witness to that. But I have never loved anybody the way I loved you. And when people say, no love is the same, they're right.

Loving you made me a better man, I owe many parts of my life to you.

But leaving you was the decision that had to be taken. Somewhere you know it, somewhere you knew it all along that the path that we took together wasn't the path that was meant for lifelong. And as much as I try to understand the pain I caused you, I'll be a bit relieved because I've faith in you that you deserve someone who stays by your side all seasons, someone who has the guts to fight for you, and someone who can love you the way you're meant to be loved. And about me? Don't worry. I'm here and I will always be. Just like the color yellow.

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