A Letter To My Ex Lover Who Forgot To Tell Me About Our Break Up: I Forgive You

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 16 June, 2017

Dear Ex/Present,

I know you aren't there with me right now. We broke up. Did we? I don't even know that. You don't love me. Do you? I'm not at all sure on that, though I always thought that even when the world deserts me, your soul will walk hand in hand with mine. Unfortunately, you chose to severe all ties when this universe was honoring my victories.

Everyone was raising toasts to me, and I, I was looking here and there, running blindly after the mirages of hopes to find my lost self, to find you. Victory is nothing, when I don't have you to celebrate it with me.

One fine day when I woke up in the morning with my signature vivacity, I didn't receive your call. I waited. But all those emotions wasted. You didn't call me. I, despite of being the most impatient person in the entire universe, I tranquilized my excitement, telling my brain, "Don't be distressed honey. He must be busy. He must be craving to converse with you as much as you want to converse with him. And he will certainly give you a ring on your phone as soon as he finds time."

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Yes. I was an understanding girlfriend after all. Wasn't I? But you turned my inferences into fallacies. Yes! You didn't call. It was now late afternoon, when I were to board the train that took me to your city, our city. As soon as I got into this rail, I was all surrounded with pink thoughts of being near you, after 36 hours. Emotions of getting to embrace the love of my life tickled my heart every now and then. Yes. I was just a few hours away from you, after all.

Finally, after controlling my urges to talk to you, I finally made a desperate decision to give you a call. Phone rang. You picked up. Said nothing. Phone disconnected.

Followed by that very moment, my heart commenced to thump faster than even the speed of light as it sensed the high alerts. You were indifferent, silent and ignorant. I was concerned, insecure and fearful. My body was heating up like any utensil kept on the stove. 100 degrees Celsius. 102 degrees Celsius. 104 degrees Celsius. My body temperature was boiling just like my emotions that were flowing down my cheeks as hot tears. Tears of dismay. Tears of rejection. Tears of loss. Tears of grief. Tears of denial. But, I composed myself, forcing all my senses to believe that you must be caught up in some job, and will come back to talk to me as soon as you felt relieved.

"I'm surely going to vent so much on him, as soon as he'll come to meet me," I told those hopes in me.
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Finally, journey came to an end, I was here standing on the ground of the town where you lived. I felt happy. I felt light. Because I knew now my worries will soon be coming to an end. For, we'll see each other and forgo all the distances. But, I was wrong. Three days passed, and I wasn't even getting a trace of you. I was dying from inside. But I wore my masks of happiness too well.

My pillars of hopes were beginning to tremble. But I held them firm. I lost on my habit of sleeping at night. Still, I got up with a new ray of aspiration each morning. But you never came. I kept on waiting and faking. I kept on hanging out with friends. People thought I'm moving on. But I did that just to have a chance at catching a glimpse of you and you know what, God never fails true lovers.

I saw you. I caught your glimpse. I was standing right in front of you, but you didn't even glance at me. I was staring at you but you didn't even care to look up. Those expressions on your face explicitly spoke for your decision, they pushed my deep love to fall in its very own abyss.

With each passing day, my faith in you was fading, and I was getting even weaker. Being the most cheerful lass of the lot, who insanely believe in the miracles and the fairy tales, this was coming to me as some deep anguish. But, I didn't let myself fall apart. I held each and every bit of me together, regardless of how difficult it was to do that.

It has been a little over a week now, and I am beginning to accept the fact that you're gone. You're gone without breaking up. You're gone without bidding me a final "goody-bye". You're gone with leaving me clueless. You're just gone.
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Was deserting me a piece of cake for you? Was letting me go the only thing you had in your mind? Was disappearing this way the most responsible act you've ever performed? And finally, did I really deserve this? You knew that I would've happily let you leave my hand and walk your own path, if you proposed a breakup. You knew that I never caged you like a possessive girlfriend, rather I always let you fly freely in the skies of life. You knew that I always gave my emotions a back foot to treat yours well. You knew that for me, your happiness meant more than my liveliness.

Wouldn't have I allowed you to go and live your way? But no, I know deep in your heart you have a reason to do that. You won't be tying knots with me to turn this affair into a sacred relationship called marriage. You will be opting for an arranged marriage. Good one. I respect your obedience towards your family. But, wasn't I worth giving just one single effort?

An effort to politely let your people know that you loved me. An effort to make them realize how apt a match we were. An effort to give this relationship a new life. It's okay if you yourself didn't want to be my better half forever.

You know what, I've been a blind believer of miracles. Many have happened to me. YOU have happened to me. And even SRK has said, "Agar kisi cheez ko sacche dil se chaho toh puri kaynaat usko aapse milaane ki koshish mein lag jati hai."

Whenever we discussed our future, I never stressed myself out as I always thought that we'll find a way out and dissolve everything if we reached that stage in life. But, now, my faith in my own theory has started to stumble. I mean, yea, I still believe it, but I fear you don't.

I always wanted a love story that would set examples in the world. That would inspire the world to fall in love, as everything and anything is possible in love. And yes, I've always got a fair chance to build a totally impossible story too.

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But call it luck, the boys I dated have always been too cowardly to jump into the ocean of uncertainties. And so is the case with you. It is not love if it's not worth fighting for.

And to fight doesn't mean to be a rebel but to hold the doors open for possibilities. If you believe in 'Nothing is possible', then only you can be a true lover. Because lovers never fall in love for a certain period of time and plan to part ways once things go wrong.

Instead, they struggle till the last breath, just to spend their lives with that one person who means more than seven lives to them. I never expected you to marry me, but I always had a very small hint of expectation.

I accept that you lacked courage of taking a stand in front of your family and letting our love bloom for the rest of our lives. But I never thought you won't be able to gracefully call it quits, and will act as cowards by escaping. You escaped but you still maintained a good deal of silence when people asked you if you broke up. You left no stones unturned in leaving mixed signals for me. You didn't breakup, you didn't hold my hand either, but you just ran away through the back doors.

Do you remember the dream that I shared with you, when we talked last? The dream in which you ran away to save yourself by leaving me in the most difficult and insurmountable situations. You made it reality of my life for me. Yes! You might've said that you can never do that to me in reality but you slapped me with transforming my nightmare into reality. After all, any girl would crave a guy who can make her dreams come true. 

I just want to end this by letting you know that you may have chosen the easier way by escaping but I'm bold enough to walk the crooked roads myself. I'm all here for you to abide by the promises I made to you. I might not be your girlfriend anymore, but I will stand by your side through your thick and thins.

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When life will splash hot water at you, I'll stand in front of you burning my skin just to let you shine in that very moment. You may have strangled that loyal beloved of yours but friend in me, a human in me, a bounteous girl in me still knows how to live by her ideals and keep her words.

Know that I'm always here for you, ready to extend a hand towards you whenever you find yourself stuck. Escaping is not in my blood, generosity is. I forgive you.

- From the lover who you gifted a violent death.