It Wasn't Just A 'Phase' Because Suddenly, I Wasn't Even Laughing

Gowtham Bhashyam Gowtham Bhashyam in Life In The Times Of Corona on 22 July, 2020

In the last month of my life, I was emotionally down for a whole week. There were personal reasons and professional reasons for why that happened.

I was stuck with one thought. All I could think of was why did people around me change so much? They were definitely not the people I once met. Of course, we never know who or what the person is about. It’s all about the day. New day, new emotions, new person. Maybe that’s the reason why people face problems with each other when they start living together. Knowing the person closely is the most tolerable thing, I guess.

Even they wouldn’t know stuff about themselves until that deep-rooted emotion is triggered somewhere. All the things which were bothering me during that week have been in my life for a few months. Maybe I didn’t notice them at the time or they didn’t bother me that much. Maybe I have changed as a person (for better or worse). I was completely conscious of my feelings. I knew how I was feeling.

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I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to find peace in sadness. But I've observed that a lot of people are peacefully sad. I worked on my emotions and feelings. I have analysed them.

You shouldn’t be like "Haan, ok, it will go away. It’s just a phase. It will pass."

All that’s bullshit. Work on your emotions. Why are you feeling all of that? So the point here is every bad thing I thought of happened to me or may happen had come to me at the same time. It's like a large pile of negative emotions on my head. I wasn’t enjoying anything. Not even my favourite things like cooking, watching movies, laughing at sitcoms, or practising yoga.

I wasn’t laughing.
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I couldn’t give a damn about what my roommate was telling. Everything was just dull. Then I realised I was either worrying about the past or what might happen in future. And then I looked at myself in that moment and I was like, I am fine.

I'm completely fine. I am healthy. That’s all matters. That is everything you can do. Keeping yourself healthy. All those negative emotions caused due to the things that happened or thoughts of might happen weren’t in my control. Just keep on doing what you do.

An example of that is on the professional front, when you realise that one decision has taken you from earning x lakhs per annum to getting into a debt of x lakhs in a year without earning a single rupee. If I am down and worry about how to pay, it definitely wouldn’t help me repay. The only option I have is to do what I know or what I do best.

So start working. It’s as simple as that. I can’t wait for the miracle to happen.

On the personal front, often we are affected by something which we had nothing to do about or maybe very little. So you can not change that. Because that’s what is funny about people. They change... so do their opinions. So maybe later we would realise that we were worried for nothing. Usually what we worry about now doesn’t make any sense or doesn’t matter at all in a few days. Obviously we worry about nothing.

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So, yeah what was I saying?

Haan... I looked at myself and I was healthy. That’s all matters to me right now. So that's how I got back to being myself.

And of course, it makes a lot more sense and feels more liberating than ever. I have started living for today rather than the other way around. It’s the best feeling. This phase might come again. But all we have to do is remember how we used to live earlier. With little changes, everything should be fine I guess.

This is what I am doing and I don’t see any other way.

Go to the job, do what you love, eat what you like or what you have, try to stay healthy, watch a movie, play a sport, pick a web series to watch, sleep.

When/if you wake up, do what’s needed for the next day.