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To The Man Who Almost Married Me: Here's The Real Reason Why Divorces Happen

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

Where do I start from? I was shocked when he started behaving inappropriately. I was shocked when he said things I didn't understand. It all made me ponder and I wept like a baby.

I guess that's the reason they warn us and we never get it. Born and raised by a single parent in Bombay (yes that's when they called it Bombay back then and not Mumbai) an 80's baby privileged enough to see everything openly.

As a child, I went to church frequently and loved dressing up for sunday mass. Although we followed christianity, my mother always taught me to respect every religion and for me, it was always, there is one God, we just name God differently. I visited Temples, Darghas, and Gurudwaras.

I've read the Quran in English and now I'm reading the Bhagwadgita. I grew up to be, not very studious but an average student and turned out perfectly well as an adult; beautiful, caring, loving, passionate and a responsible woman.

Although responsibility came later, only when I lost my father. He wasn't there much when I grew up but later was my best friend, during my adolescence. So I could always talk to him. He trusted me more than mum. When he passed away, it struck me bad as before that I was footloose and fancy free, I loved being me but later, I had to choose not to be me and do what I had to.

So I ended up getting serious about life and had other things to do, like get food to the table because before that I didn't know the meaning of anything. His death was a tragedy, an accident away from homeland with a legal battle. It all happened late, but they say age is just a number but time waits for no one.

Marriage didn't happen and I had even stopped socializing as I was learning to not only stand on my feet but also earn and save. I met someone, it didn't work and then he came back promising the moon and sun, right from day one. It was difficult to believe it all at first. I had met many men earlier but you know when you grow older and meet men almost the same age as you, you want to believe it's real despite the odds as you assume maturity comes with age, which maybe partially correct.

Maturity comes with independence, not age.

I saw him at a friend's 2 years ago and he had tried talking ever since but made unsuccessful attempts as he didn't have my number. He tried Facebook and LinkedIn later on and I rarely checked Facebook as I had migrated to Instagram. So exactly after 2 years during the lockdown, coincidentally when he messaged on messenger, I responded and that's how it started.

Our first meeting was cute, he stood as a true gentleman. Pulled out the chair, opened the door, brought flowers, open conversations and dropped me back home. He proposed right after and asked for my hand in marrige but yes, he didn't know me and I still had to be sure.

I knew he was divorced and a Hindu, Gujrati, and was the eldest child, and that's it. He was footloose and fancy free, had a lavish lifestyle, loved partying and living in the moment. Some close friends had warned me about him but I chose to see and believe what I wanted to.

Some other friends always said, "Babe, not a divorced man ever, they are a lost cause." But the independent woman inside of me with independent thoughts tried to be non-judgemental.

Every time we met, he asked for my hand and made promises that of course went in vain, I realised only later. Time passed, we spoke for hours, and many times a day and then he'd ask again, I finally said yes, as I was in love but by then I had realised that his lavish lifestyle wasn't what he really could afford as it had been long that his business wasn't doing well and he didn't have work but I was love struck so I was okay with it. It didn't matter. He even admitted in front of me that he had no savings and it didn't matter, materialistic things never mattered much to me. He told me, he'd tell his parents and I had butterflies in my stomach. He asked for my date of birth and timing and I gave it to him.

We didn't and don't belive in astrology, as in my family, apparently he did and I never knew until that day. And then the real picture was revealed, he called and said that his father had told him I had doshas, I didn't know what it was. I had tears running down my eyes, apparently he told him, I was divorced when I wasn't ever married and then he said that I knew I'd get divorced and so I never married, which was a lie.

He said, "If we get married, because of your age you may never conceive a baby or have a child with down syndrome" and I cried but silenced my tears.

"We will get divorced if we marry because the kundlis doesn't match and you have a dosha."

I couldn't think straight and I'm an educated workoholic, established woman earning well for myself. When I spoke to him later, I asked then, do I only have the dosha, what about you, don't you have a dosha? And then he hesitated and said 'yes'. "We have a nadi dosha, that's what they call it."

So, his father had predicted my future with him without realising he had a divorced daughter sitting at home but I wonder whether he had predicted hers too because he said to me, "Baby my first marriage, I got married to the girl and took her home and told my parents. On the second day, when my father matched the kundli, he said "I wouldn't have allowed you to marry her if I knew earlier, you will get divorced in 6 months, there's a nadi dosha"." 

"But you see, I didn't believe my father and we got divorced on the same date he told me," he said.

I wanted to scream aloud, that man had poisoned his son and was the reason for his own son's downfall and had made me feel terrible too. He had already fed his son's sub-conscious mind with rubbish.

If it's pushed into your belief system, then you believe it. I was shocked to see how we follow blind fate and believe the unknown. I'm sorry I may say so because none of the religious books, neither the Bible, Quran or Bhagwadgita speak about astrology in this light.

Astrology is a science but hey, people get divorced because they don't want to make it work when partners give up.

A marriage is beautiful and not easy but making it work is only upto 2 people who get married.

When there's interference from friends or family, there's trouble in a marriage. So, here's an educated man at 40, telling an educated woman, that he got divorced because his father warned him, and not because of his own doings, I mean really. And the same man now believes his second marriage, if he marries me, will break too but I forgot to say, his father didn't have a problem with his son marrying a Russian divorced woman with a child from her first husband earlier, years before me, after his first divorce why? Because his son wanted to start a business in Russia and believed it had more scope than India. I mean, I don't know what to say. But things like this happen, they break you, a man rejects a woman for what? Like really, for looks, color, education, height, weight and kundli dosha.

All this got me thinking about those women who get rejected in arranged marriages day in and out, and even love marriages don't happen because of the same reason, by Indian parents, often. After his father poisoned his son, he had the audacity to predict my future and say - she will travel abroad, you should tell her, she has a good fortune. I mean really!

 I thought I should speak out and convey this, "You don't get divorced because astrology said it or says it, had that been the case we wouldn't have marriages breaking like they do these days. Marriages break when two people aren't ready to communicate, listen and understand each other. They break when there's interference, when the interest to make it work and live happily isn't the goal. They break when Ego and Pride takes over and arrogance comes in. They break when you allow it to break and do nothing about it. Please don't be stupid and ignorant. You make your own destiny, when you don't make your own destiny, it's called fate!"

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