They Made Me Choose Between Them And My Love, Now I Have No Respect For My Parents.

Anonymous Anonymous in Culture Shock on 9 September, 2018

I don't know where to begin from, or what to even say.

I always thought that I had "cool" parents.

In fact, so many of my friends who have met you believe the same. So when some of them got to know about the situation, they were just as shocked that things didn't work out between her and me, given how cool my parents seemed.

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When I say "cool", it, of course, means that my parents are people who, thanks to their education, realize that there are so many things that society forces upon us, which are simply wrong, and should not be considered. When I say "cool", I mean that my parents trust me enough to at least consider my feelings when I talk to them about a woman I love.

Never have I been so wrong. Never have I been so disappointed.

I am disappointed that you chose to look at a person's face, and see her dark colour, and make up your mind. Are dark women inferior? Please look around our home, and among our relatives. We're Indians. We're at best brown-skinned.

The irony that we are racists makes me laugh and cry and rage all at the same time.
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I am disappointed that you chose to see where a woman comes from. You made up your mind only because she was from the far-off city of Mumbai? What were you afraid of? That she came from a family of thugs? Just because you don't know her family, doesn't mean that her family is rotten!

Does knowing someone's family mean that they would never ever create problems?

I proposed that you guys meet her. She was willing to come down to meet you’ll. But what I was treated with was not only a rejection but also a haughty silence. As if I was an idiot to even think about it.

I am disappointed that you looked at someone's caste, and made up your mind. Or let society make it up for you.

What is this society that you worry about? Are they going to live your lives for you? Like the aunt's family who started a war because someone did not go to their party? And let me not even get started about the issue itself. You have given me an education. An education that always taught me that the caste system is wrong; it is inhumane and it is outdated.

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So much have I been taught against it that my mind does not register caste as anything important at all!

I asked her about her caste just a day prior to talking to you because I knew it would come up. Guess what, even she had to think for a moment before telling me!

That is the value of ‘caste’ to my generation - zero, just like it should be!

But somehow, for whatever reasons, you have to make it a point. For reasons that even you don't know! Probably because our traditions would be different? To hell with such traditions!

I am disappointed with the mentality that you know better, and that whatever you tell me is what is good for me.

That I am not supposed to question or talk rationally or speak to you like an adult. That I cannot even ask the reason for your rejection except what I can infer. Sure, she was older, and that led to exceptional circumstances. But I didn't say that I wanted to marry her then and there. I asked you to consider her for the future.

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Which reminds me that I am also very disappointed - no, not disappointed, angry. I am livid with rage that not only did you refuse to consider her but you talk about her with contempt.

At that moment, I was ashamed to call you my parents, because the parents that I knew did not disrespect people by using words that I was slapped for using as a child.

Anyone. And least of all, the woman that their son loved. Not only that, at every turn, you made it seem like she was pressurizing me. As if I did not have my own brain. It was a sick tactic to try to make me think that I was being manipulated by her.

I was asked why did I need to consider anyone as more than a friend. Why do you think? Are we supposed to be robots? Is that the purpose of life? Get good marks in class 10 followed by class 12. Get into IIT / AIIMS. Get good grades. Go for higher studies. Get an MS or a Ph.D. or become an IAS and not care about corruption.

Get married to a stranger that you don't know anything about, but it's okay because your family knows their family, and pyaar ka kya hai, hota rehta hai.

Car khareedne se pehle kitne mahino tak cars dekhi? Ya pehle promise kar diya car khareedenge fir usko pasand karne ki koshish kari? And woh toh car hai, insaan nahi! (How many months did you ponder before buying a car? Or did you promise to buy the car, and then try to like it?)

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You asked me why was I "more than friends" with her. Because romantic relationships are just as important a part of life as any others. Maybe you guys didn't have those in your lives, or maybe you had, but you accepted what your parents said, and so you believe everyone must do the same. Maybe you just didn't care at all.

I'm angry that instead of standing behind me and taking on the society, you stand with the society and attack me.

And most of all, I'm angry that you made me choose. You made me choose between the people who gave birth to me and the girl who loved me despite all my flaws. If I choose you over her, I will forever know that I am a coward. If I choose her over you, every part of my body revolts in guilt.

Should I be unfair to you, or to her? I suppose the only solution that I found to be fair was to be unfair to both of you.

I can't possible elope with her, because that would mean you would hate her for the rest of your lives. So, I have broken up with her. Yes. We decided to separate because neither of us would like her to become the reason that soured my relationship with you.

So, it is not because of her, but for myself, that I have not been talking to you. I hate the both of you. No, not hate. I feel disgusted and ashamed.

The two people I liked the most proved to be the biggest hypocrites.

You're living in the 1990s or 80s in an age of bigotry and racism and patriarchy. And all those things affect me very much. I'm tired of it all. I am also tired of carrying this anger. A wise person said that anger harms you more than it harms others. And I don't want to keep carrying it in my heart, especially since I'm living alone, and I don't want to spend more money going to a therapist like I did for the last two years ago.

The last few days at home were so hard for me because every time I would hear one of you approaching me, my whole body would tense up to make sure that I don't talk to you.

It wasn't easy. So, I had to get away from there.

I guess one day I will talk to you. One day I may come home. But I want to make one thing very clear - I have lost all the respect for you’ll. I may talk to you, sure.

I won't abuse or talk disrespectfully, because that was not how I was raised.

But will I take what you guys say seriously? You know the answer to that. Things have changed permanently, and as much as it is a brick in my stomach, I have realized that I am on my own. I owe it to my principles.

Severely Disappointed,

Your Son

Editor's Note:

You love them and respect them. And you're forever thankful for the life they've given you. But there are times when the parents whom you've looked up to all your life let you down. Let's share this story because it's exceptionally hard to stand up against the people you love the most, but sometimes, that's the right thing to do.