I got married five years back. I had just done my masters and my parents fixed my wedding. I was too young to figure out my life then and so went with the flow.
It was an arranged setup. Initially, everything was beautiful. I could relate to my husband and we both had the same likes and hobbies. Everything was dreamy. I was from an extremely conservative family and had no guy friends or boyfriend, precisely. So having someone in my life was beautiful and I felt wanted. A month passed after our engagement and things started to change.
I realized that he was too dominant to handle and got angry very easily.
Also, his mother, whom I had met many times, seemed very particular and a showoff kind of person. I thought every girl has to adjust after marriage and so again went with the flow.
There were many incidents when I found my fiancé very rude and I would return home crying many times. Even during New Year’s Eve, he was so busy with his friends that he hardly noticed me and sent me back to my place without realizing that I hadn't eaten anything. He hadn't ordered anything. I was shattered and broken from the inside.
We had become physical to an extent (he made the move) and I was too terrified to break the engagement mainly because of this reason.
I discussed it with my mom who said that breaking the engagement would spoil the family's name. I had sleepless nights and cried incessantly. Something was breaking inside me constantly.
People were celebrating, feeding me good food and I was crying deep inside.
Marriage was on the cards. In a few days, I was going to be at someone else's place. That would mean new rules and a new life. I had no hope. His brother and father seemed a little sensible and were the only people I thought I could rely on after marriage.
I had made up my mind that I will try my level best to change my fiancé.
After marriage, I felt completely unwelcome in his house and my brother-in-law was extremely ignorant. In fact, I even saw a completely different face of my father-in-law too. He was too rude and brash. I had no idea what to do. I was just existing and not living.
My husband used to leave me and roam around all the time with his friends. There were days when there was no one I could talk to. Another blow came in the form of his grandmother who was again very rude and angry all the time. A year passed and my husband gradually changed but then I got a disease which had held me for four long years now.
My husband had changed but the environment remained the same; same old all-time nagging in-laws.
I even went to my parent's place in between but came back, as my husband promised me that he would do things right. But nothing happened. They even forced me to do some small work in my extreme physical pain. I did it for 4-5 months, crying in front of my husband many times but he always said that it was okay and that I would be fine. I am fooling my husband and myself. I wanted to leave this house and live with my husband. I had hinted at him many times as well but he couldn’t leave his house. Besides, I also felt that his parents had much more rights on him than I did.
Five years have passed and I feel completely lost. I am now being constantly pressurized for a child but due to my physical pain that is still not cured, I can’t do anything. I feel sceptical about the future too. I want to give a happy environment to my child but with constant fights and rude behaviours, I don’t think it will ever be possible. The doctors said that unless I am mentally happy, my medicine won’t work.
My parents have so many responsibilities that even if I went back to them, my life would be a bigger hell. I wish life was a bit easier. I wish my husband could understand what I go through every single day and it’s not a healthy environment for me. I wish he could take me more seriously.
I am so tired of living a life where there is no respect.
I want my life back.
My husband has changed drastically over the years. He has become caring and loving but he wants me to adjust to everything that happens in the house, be it the most wronged things. He can see my cry all day but won't utter a word to his mom for her wrong behaviour. I feel trapped. I miss the 'happy me.’
Never knew my happiness would last only for such a short span of time.