He was my first love and we were committed for 8 years. The first four years of our relationship went well as we were in the same college. But things started going wrong when he shifted to another city for further studies. I had an intuition that he was lying to me and was probably talking to some other girl, as well. But I kept ignoring my intuition. Then, I came across some pictures of him on a trip with a girl, a trip he told me he had planned with just his guy friends. I couldn’t believe that he could lie to me and was so depressed that I started losing weight rapidly.

I used to cry all the time, and even my parents started worrying about me. He told me that the girl was just a friend, and he lied to me about it being an all boys’ trip because he said if he had told me about that girl coming along too, I would have asked him not to go altogether.

Somehow, I got convinced and it was a huge mistake. After sometime, I moved to Hyderabad for my job. I kept insisting him for marriage and he kept giving me excuses.

Sometimes he would say that his mom won’t agree as we belonged to different castes. Other times, he would tell me that our kundlis didn’t match.

So after moving to Hyderabad, I stopped talking to him and tried to focus on my work instead. But then, he told me that his mom had agreed for our match and so even I told my parents about him. I was 27 then, and in my caste it’s quite an for a girl to remain single, till then. I somehow managed to convince my father about waiting for my boyfriend to get convinced but once again, he started giving me excuses like his mother was not okay with the match – that because of us, she'd had heart problems.

One day, he even irritably asked me on what basis he should convince his parents to get him married to me, for he was their only child and they had high expectations from his marriage and I wasn’t even that beautiful. That’s when I decided not to marry him.

But it still took me two long years to learn to live without him. Last year, on my birthday, he called me casually and somehow, we started talking again. One of those days, he told me that one of his friends had proposed marriage to him but he didn’t want to get married to her because if love marriage had been allowed in his family, he would have married me for he still loves me.

Last October I called him on his birthday and felt something was amiss. I asked him if something was wrong. He said he was getting married and I simply congratulated him. The girl he was getting married to was beautiful and I think that was enough for his mom. But that day, I lost my faith in love and marriages. 

I don't think I will fall in love with another man because I have trust issues and in our society, 32 is a taboo age for any girl to get married. My parents are insisting that I meet men through an arranged marriage set-up. But, I am not ready for it because I don’t want to get married just to satisfy the society. Neither do I want my parents to pay dowry to the boy’s side. Instead, I am learning to love myself and enjoying little things in life. I am learning to enjoy my own company.

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