I Use Drugs Because Only That Can Make Me Forget What My Father Did To Me

Anonymous Anonymous in Culture Shock on 16 April, 2020

The scariest time of my life was when I was 13. I never wanted to come home from school. I wished I didn't have to. In fact, it all feels real even now.

I'm sleeping in my room. My father comes in. First, he touches my leg, and then my breast. I can't do anything. I'm paralyzed. 

Dad used to work abroad and he would come home only during vacation time. So it was mostly easy to forget it and forgive him. I try not to hoard that anger inside me. 

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After 7 years, it happened again. This time, he only grabbed my breasts, but he was so rough, it hurt. Still, I couldn't do anything about it. That was the end of all my peace of mind. It's stuck in my head and it won't go away. Every day, all the time, it's the only thing I can think about. I can't do anything- I can't focus on my studies, speak freely with anyone or sleep at night. In fact, I hate everyone now. I hate my family.

Ever since my father did that to me, my temper has been out of control. I get angry easily and with anyone. But I'm so depressed on the inside. I feel like I don't have anyone. I don't have my family to support me in this.

I've lost myself.

I've started using drugs to escape from this hell. I just want to feel a little happy, and whenever I use drugs, I have some peace of mind. I don't know what else to do because whenever I see his face, I want to kill him. Sometimes, I think of killing him.

I have not breathed a word about this to my mother. If she comes to know, I don't know how the hell she'll handle it. I don't want her to be hurt because of what my father did. 
Editor's Note:

I know that there are many ups and downs in life right now, but no matter what they are, you can write about them here. Your story matters and you deserve to tell the world.