I Realized That Being A Wife Was A Thankless Job Only After I Married Him

Anonymous Anonymous in Culture Shock on 28 February, 2018

I asked him, “Do you know what I want and miss all the time?”

He said, “What?”

I said, “Freedom!”      

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It has been over three years now. I can't even visit a friend's house or go out to attend a function unless it is hosted in your house or your relatives' house. I did not even realize that such changes were taking place in my life.

I can’t be with you or go out with you whenever I want to.

The list of conditions is endless. For how long can I shut my mouth? But I don’t have a choice so I just smile silently. In fact, I am even getting used to it. Maybe one fine day you will realize the intensity of my pain. But it will be too late for you to do anything about it at that time.

Such words would have meant a lot to you if I had continued to be your friend. But you don't care about such things now because I have become your wife. So you think you can take me for granted.

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Being a wife is one of the most thankless jobs in this world.

No man will ever thank a woman for being his wife because he knows that she has been jailed for life now. Yes – marriage is another name for imprisonment.

I realized I had to stand alone when you did not defend me against your mom’s words. My heart missed a beat when this happened. After that day, your entire family has managed to create fear in my mind.

You had nothing to say when I told you such things. So I continue to live in fear every day.

No, my life is not scary. In fact, I am accustomed to the fear now.

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You don’t give me the liberty of being independent.

I remember how I had to fight with all of you when I wanted to attend my first interview. For a long time now I wanted you to help me set up my own enterprise. I wanted to cook homemade stuff and sell it to others. But you were not even willing to discuss it.

You did not even ask me if I was ready to take on the responsibility of becoming a mother at the age of 22. You just declared that you wanted kids. But after that, whether it was organizing things for the kid’s birthday or saving money or waking you up or fighting with people who hurt me – I had to do it all alone.

Why was I alone responsible for all these things?

You did not even bother to ask me what I wanted. You don’t even ask me out anymore. Often I have to force my opinions on others. I have to shout at you to let you know how hurt I am feeling. Do any of you even have any idea about how all this affects me? Why does all this continue to happen?

I had to bear all the pain to give birth to our kids. Yet, you didn’t even bother to ask me to choose the names of our children. Why do I have to fight for the right of naming our kids? When I ask you such questions you will never have an answer.

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So I continue to adjust. But I just cannot tolerate all this any longer.

You cannot win my heart if all this continues. Just because we live in your parents’ home, doesn’t mean you can’t speak up for me. You need to respect my thoughts too.

I did not ask you to change your name or your food habits or your lifestyle or ask you to learn your mother tongue when we got married. I realized how much I had given up for you only after I got married to you.

I transformed my individuality for you but sadly I no longer respect you.

I have no right to decide anything. No one supports me and I can do nothing about it. But when you hear all this – you just tell me that you are sorry. You then tell me that you love me. And all I can do is arch my eyebrows and say, “Really? Do you even know the meaning of these words now?” You say that you cannot live without my presence in your life. But that is not 'love.' 

Love means respect. Love means giving freedom to the other person. Love means knowing the other person and accepting them the way they are.
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Yet you managed to change me. Today I am what I am only because your family changed me. I am no longer the girl I was 4 years back.

Have you ever tried to learn my mother tongue? Did you stop smoking after getting married to me? What were you doing when your mom scolded me? Why did you not do anything to protect my self-respect? As usual, you will have no answers to my questions.

I have put in so many efforts to prove my love for you. I gave up the world that I was born and brought up in for you. I wanted to win you over with all the love that I had in my heart for you. But I am sorry I could never do so. It is my fault. Maybe you could not prove your love for me by doing any of the above-mentioned things.

At the very least – you could have let me be myself.

But I understand things clearly now. I cannot really blame you for any of this.

Love has to come from within. It happens unconsciously without our knowledge.

I have no right to say that you are a culprit if you don’t have any such feelings for me. All of us experience love at some point of time in our lives. Maybe I am not worthy of your love. I am sorry for wasting your time.

Editor's Note:

We have to make our marriage work – every single day for the rest of our lives. Both partners need to co-operate, compromise, adapt and shoulder all the responsibilities equally. Let’s remember that different people express their love in different ways. When we accept such realities we learn to complement each other. Do share this story because this young woman too has the ability of making her marriage work.