I got married to the love of my life (with heaps of dowry by my own will) at the age of 24. It has been eight years since, after a 5-year long relationship that started in our Engineering college. It was my dream come true. Everything was so beautiful and colourful. I also want to mention that he was the most handsome guy at our college whereas I was just an average looking girl. Every girl was jealous of me and I was proud of my accomplishment. But I had a prestigious government job and he was in the private sector. I was getting a decent salary.
But within six months of our marriage, my father-in-law who was a very prominent personality in his town, succumbed to painful cancer.
It almost shattered my husband who was so close to his parents. As he was the youngest child he was the most lovable, but he had to take responsibility of our household as his elder brother was living abroad. My mom-in-law took charge of our house. I, myself, coming from a family of narcissist people have a very negative attitude and was full of ego because of my job and expensive dowry. My mom-in-law was a mature and calm lady. But I failed as a daughter-in-law.
My parents always told me to give my entire salary to her and I would do that, as they knew that I couldn’t manage it myself.
But soon my ego and bad attitude started overshadowing me. I found my true and calm mom-in-law to be a manipulative lady. I stopped talking to her. But she was ok with it. She never complained about it. I stopped showing her whatever I shopped for myself, I almost kept her aloof. She was all alone throughout the day. And instead of sharing anything with her I straight away would go to my room. But that lady never ever complained to anyone. But I did not stop here. I started talking about her with my close ones.
I thought that I was a victim. I never helped her in any way. I hardly shared anything with her.
I wanted to stay separately even though I knew she was alone. Still, she helped me a lot. I continued to give my salary to her. Then she started getting sick. I was already mentally sick. I was blind enough to not see her pain. I did not change my attitude. I kept on ignoring her. Once at a random party, she asked me to get a food for her as she was feeling sick but I just ignored that as well.
Now she was almost on bed, when we took her to doctors they labelled it as extreme weakness and gave vitamins to her.
But my attitude did not change. Finally, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer and had 2-3 days left. I cried hard, slapped myself, wanted to kill myself for what I did to her. But it was way too late. She was on her deathbed but still in senses. I fell on her feet and asked for forgiveness but she was gone by then. My husband is a very loving person and is unaware of all this.
It has been 2 years since she left this world and not even a single day has passed when I have not regretted what I did to her.
Suicidal thoughts come to my mind numerous times. Now I am a mother as well. I can't die also, as my husband is emotionally dependant on me. I miss her every day and cry every night. I am dying every day. Everything is meaningless to me after her demise. I don't like to apply makeup nor dress up. My house is a mess. I can't concentrate on my career. I am dying of guilt daily.