I Loved Him But I Was Not Brave Enough To Face My Mother

Anonymous Anonymous in Culture Shock on 18 April, 2018

What can I say about love? There are many things buried deep within me, which I was unable to express to the right person at the right time.

Between his thoughts like “She will not understand” and my decision to “Never say anything to him”, our love story never started.

I always knew that he was in love with me. But I avoided him by making stupid excuses.

Advertisement

Let me tell you about myself. I was an extremely quiet girl. I never spoke much with anyone, not even my own relatives. I was too shy and scared to talk to people. There were just a handful of people with whom I felt comfortable.

I never wore makeup or dressed up fashionably because I was waiting for a guy who would give importance to my character over beauty.

I’d once read that a special guy is destined to enter every girl’s life by the time she turns 25. It was true in my life.

He belonged to a different state and came to Mumbai in search of a job. I had already joined the same office. When I saw him, I assumed that he was a fresher and did not have much knowledge about the world.

Advertisement

A few days later, I started talking to him. Communication was a major problem between us because of the language barrier. Though I stayed in Mumbai, I had not learned Hindi. This communication gap gave rise to several misunderstandings. Luckily, our colleagues helped us by translating the conversations.

Earlier, I did not have any musical sense, but when I heard his ringtone for the first time, I fell in love with the song. In fact, I had never watched any Bollywood movies, as I was unable to understand Hindi. However, after meeting him, I started listening to Hindi songs and watched Hindi movies too.

We were in the office from morning to evening, but we never spoke much as we were always busy arguing with each other. He silently cared for me, but I always misunderstood him. He was patient, but I had one bad habit. Whenever I was angry, I would stop talking to him altogether.

I felt that if I spoke, we would fight more and that would create further misunderstandings. So I preferred being silent.

But he'd get desperate to talk to me. He always said, “I don’t want anything else but please don’t keep quiet. I cannot bear your silence.”

Advertisement

No matter how much we fought in office, he would always call me after office hours. There were many times when I didn’t attend his calls. But he kept calling till I answered. Somehow, he would convince me and also explain the reason behind our fight, like a parent explains to his child.

He always said, “I will change you.” But I never gave him the chance.

When our colleagues started telling me that he was in love with me, I could not handle it. He never confessed his love, but I made the mistake of believing our colleagues.

Before he could say anything, I began avoiding him. However, in this process, I didn’t realize when I started falling for him.

He was good-looking, responsible and knowledgeable; all his characteristics made me fall for him. I was also comfortable sharing my problems with him. We often discussed our family issues. He was the first guy whom I interacted with so often on the phone and in person.

Soon, my colleagues started teasing me about our relationship, and that irritated me a lot. They would always tease me in his absence. Using this silly reason as an excuse, I kept avoiding him.

Advertisement
He always told me not to listen to others. He said, “I haven’t said anything to you nor have I expressed that I’m in love with you, then why are you letting others affect you? Please don’t be quiet.”

However, I gave him the silent treatment. Ultimately, he left the company. On his last date, he wanted to speak to me, but he had reached the threshold of his self-respect. Earlier, whenever we fought, he was the first to take a step and convince me. I never called him even when it was my mistake.

I always expected him to call and he felt that even if he called, I would not speak to him.

He was fed up with my behaviour. And that is how things ended. But that was not the end of the story. They say that ‘opportunity doesn’t knock twice’. However, in my account, it knocked again.

After he left the job, I started missing him a lot. The colleagues who once teased me started ignoring me. They created unnecessary problems for me.

I began to realize his importance in my life.
Advertisement

After a few months, I received a marriage proposal. No, I didn’t get married and settled down. In fact, I refused the proposal by saying that I wanted to work and earn money. I explicitly told them that I wasn’t interested in getting married anytime soon.

I had one desire to fulfill before I got married. I wanted to speak to him once.

I got to know that he went abroad after leaving the job. I would frequently go to a cyber café for project work, and whenever I was there, I’d check his Facebook profile.

One day, I received a message in my inbox. It read “Hi” with my nickname. I was delighted, but I did not respond to him. The next day he sent me another message, “Hi, How are you?”

This time, I could not stop myself from responding. I was so excited to speak to him. But I never told him. I just answered his questions. After a few days, he called on my mobile, and we started talking again.

I had always thought that he left the company because he was getting less salary. But he revealed that I was the reason that he left.

I could not believe it! He went abroad because he had to manage his family responsibilities. But he could not be there for long, as there were issues with his job there too. He was always worried and shared his problems with me.

When he returned to his native town, he told me to look for a job for him.

But I was scared that if he came back to Mumbai, we would start fighting again.

He was in a situation where he had to stay in his native itself. So he found a job there. We would call each other often and have long conversations. He kept saying that he wanted to tell me something. My heart believed that he was going to express his love for me, but my mind had other thoughts.

I’d already misunderstood him once and knew that he was not in love with me.

But he kept insisting. Finally, he confessed. No, he did not express his love for me. Instead, he told me about his past love story. I was speechless! He said that he had come to Mumbai in search of that girl, as she was pursuing her further studies in the city.

He told me everything about their relationship. That whole night, I was unable to sleep. I was so disturbed. I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

As time passed by, he started expressing his love for me through songs. I was thrilled about the songs he sent. He had good taste in music, and I repeatedly heard all the songs.

I knew that he was trying to express his love but I also knew that I could never marry him.

My mom would never let me marry him because we belonged to different castes. She was very strict, which is why I was always scared of falling in love. I didn’t want to get into a relationship for a few years and then tell him that my parents will not agree for our marriage. It wouldn’t have been fair.

So I never took his words seriously and behaved like he was joking. He kept saying that he was serious and in my heart, I knew that he was serious. But I told him several times that it was not possible. He asked me the reason, but I didn’t have one.

He had already been hurt by his first love and I didn’t want him to get hurt again.

I was clear about my decision. I knew my mother and was aware that a love marriage was not possible for me. Whenever he expressed his love earnestly, I would make fun of him. I would tease him and hope that he'd start ignoring me. But he didn’t give up and insisted on knowing the reason for my rejection.

Honestly, I had no reason to reject him. I was just not brave enough to face my mother.

Ultimately, I gave him the ridiculous reason that I wanted to be my guy’s first love. He believed me, and we started having arguments. How could I tell him that caste and language were the real issues! My family would never accept him, and I was not willing to take the risk.

Months passed, and we continued talking on the phone. Then, for the first time, he did not answer my call nor did he call me back. In fact, he didn’t call me for 2 months, and when I called, he said that he was busy and would call later. But he never did.

After about a week, he sent me some images on WhatsApp. I was shocked to see him with another girl. He had fallen for someone else!

That day, I could not stop crying. After my father’s death, this was the second time that I’d cried so much.

I did not reply to his message. I just kept quiet. A few hours later, he called me, but I didn’t answer. He kept calling. I answered eventually and told him that he should stop bothering me because he had finally found what he was looking for.

I went on and on. He just asked me one question, “What is your problem?” I was blank. Finally, he said, “I will stay in touch with you forever though I know you will never call me.” The call got disconnected as I was traveling.

I started thinking about our conversation. Why had I answered him rudely? It was not his fault.

He had not hidden his feelings. Nor had he cheated on me. I had cheated myself.

I called him again and said that the entire conversation was a joke because I wanted to see how he reacted. He did not believe me because he knew that I was serious. We knew each other very well.

Today, he is married, but we still talk to each other. I’d always hoped and prayed that we stay in touch forever. And my prayers have been answered.

Yes, I do miss him a lot. He was the one who made me so talkative and taught me a new language, which I proudly speak today. He understood me like no one else. He had every quality that I wanted in the guy I love. He was always clear and truthful, but I could never tell him my feelings.

He often said that I made his life difficult and he is struggling to settle down because of me. However, he never understood my situation.

The truth is that this was the best decision for both of us. I knew that we didn’t have a future together, so I avoided him from the beginning.

I never wanted to hurt him. But he misunderstood me.

My intention was always right, which is why we’ve remained good friends. And that is more than enough for me.

Editor's Note:

Share this story if you agree that it is extremely hard to give up true love but sometimes, it is the best thing to do.