I Had To Pay A Heavy Price For Being Honest With My Husband About My Past: It's My Fault

Anonymous Anonymous in Culture Shock on 21 June, 2017

Hi,

I'm Meera!

I will be getting divorced soon. There are a lot of reasons behind this state of affairs.
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The most important reason is that I was not able to manage my relationship with my husband or his family. When I think of my marital life with a calm objective life, I often feel I am the main reason behind this entire sordid mess.

It takes a lot of courage to accept our flaws. Maybe I am courageous. Maybe there is something good and worthwhile within me after all. Who knows? Anyway…… I feel we will be able to simplify our problems to a great extent if I choose to shoulder the burden of blame. At least I try to pacify myself by saying this, whenever all those traumatic memories resurface in my heart.

Here are some of the mistakes that led to the breakdown of our relationship,

I had a boyfriend before I got married and my husband knew about it.
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My husband therefore assumes that I will fall in love with anyone who treats me with a little respect. I trusted him. I had confessed about my past to him before I got married. In retrospect, I realized that I should have been more careful about disclosing such delicate details to him. I was also stupid enough to give him the password of my personal email id. This compounded my problems.

I’m educated and my career was my top priority.

Yes, my work was very important to me. But he too was an equally important part of my life. The day after I got married, I was informed that he was not keen on pursuing his current job. His long term plans were to finally settle down in his village. I did not know much about his source of income in the village. I wondered if his income would be consistent and if we would be able to provide well for a decent education for our yet to be born children. So, I decided to not to accompany him to the village and focus on my work instead. At least it would provide us with a steady source of income. I did not realize that this idea would not appeal to him or his family members.

I have male friends!

Unfortunately, I work for a company where I'm the only female amidst 230 other employees. Maybe my past was haunting him and he was skeptical about my ability to remain loyal to our marital bond. He assumes that I am abnormal because I have male friends even after getting married to him.

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I wanted to take care of my parents like a son does.

I realized how naïve I was in my thinking. I was thinking idealistically but had to live in a real world. I had to conform to norms and so after getting married my prime priority should always be my husband’s family, my in-laws. My love for my parents and my concern for their well being was totally ignored!

My professional decisions hinged on my husband’s nod of approval.

Somehow I always felt guilty about pursuing my profession after getting married. I felt more accountable to my husband and not to my boss. I felt compelled to call him every time and explain why I would be delayed at work that day. I had to seek my husband’s permission before agreeing to go on an official tour. My husband was my boss- both in my personal and professional life!

I am older than my husband!

My parents were desperate to get me married. So they never disclosed my actual age to my husband and his family. I happen to be older than my husband and he knows this fact because I discussed this with him. To be very fair to him, maybe he feels cheated because this fact was not disclosed to him earlier. He now feels he is married to an old aunt and not a young girl!

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My husband is dating someone else!

When I questioned him about this, his reply stunned me. He says if I ‘behave properly’, hand over my salary to him every month, am attentive to all his needs, whims and fancies and am willing to live with him in his village, he will stay with me. Else, he says he is young and is bound to get better offers if he decides to get married. He feels he will be able to lead a happier life with another more suitable girl who is his age.

Maybe I am facing the consequences of all my mistakes. But I think I am paying the price of being honest and for being myself. I don’t really know if a better future is in store for me. Maybe this crisis will actually improve the quality of my life.
Author's Note:

But right now these are the kinds of questions that haunt me regularly.

Did this happen only due to my mistakes? Was I always in the wrong? Is it wrong to believe in something like honesty? Is it a crime to build a relationship with a building block called trust? Should we give up all that we value and cherish, the minute we get married? Is it possible for any woman to change so much after getting married? Should we stop being true to ourselves and put on a façade after getting married? I don’t know……….where I went wrong!

Editor's Note:

Share this story because one burden we need to uproot from our hearts is the burden of feeling guilty whenever anything goes wrong.