When I was 24 years old, I was forced to marry a guy. I was emotionally pressurized by my parents.
I do love my parents. They gave me their total support all through my childhood years. I could get a decent education, and I have a successful career today only because of their support. I don’t blame them for anything. But I know that they made a mistake by forcing me to get married.
It was my life. They should have realized that it was important for me to like the guy I was getting married to.
I remember how I had cried all through the day and night before I got married. But nothing worked. All my dreams about marrying a man that I loved and respected were shattered.
I was forced to marry against my wishes. And even today I am not sure about how the whole thing happened.
I tried my best to adjust and be happy after getting married to my husband. But even today I regret my decision. I could never share a strong bond of love with my husband. Our professions are different. Our characters are different, and we both follow different lifestyles. He is a simple and a decent guy. He expects a lot of love from his wife. I sometimes feel he should have married someone else. At least he would have been able to lead a better life.
I often feel we were not really meant for each other. I often wonder if we simply ended up getting married because our families decided that we would make an ideal couple.
Within a few months of getting married, we had to shift to different locations. We now shared a long distance relationship. It was during this time that I met my old friend at my workplace. I was so excited to meet him again. I remembered having a crush on him when I was young. We used to interact a lot and had been the best of friends for a long while. I was so excited to meet him again. During one of our conversations, he told me that he used to like me a lot too. I felt bad because I had the same kind of feelings for him during that phase. I had even dreamt of marrying him. But we had never expressed our opinions to each other before.
And now it was too late to do anything about our feelings because I was already married. I regretted getting married. I regretted ignoring the feelings that I had for him earlier.
We would meet every day and call each other regularly to discuss everyday affairs. We guided each other professionally. We would give each other a lot of suggestions whenever we faced personal, technical or work-related issues. Both of us were busy in our worlds.
One day while we were out, he tried to touch me. I stopped him. That day, I was so confused that I could not sleep. I started thinking.
I didn’t like my husband. I liked my friend but I was already married. So there was nothing I could do about my situation.
So I continued meeting my friend. Over a period, we became close physically too. We did our best to avoid this, but we just couldn't do this.
Soon we developed a strong emotional bond with each other. I started caring for him deeply.
I was worried about his whereabouts and would wonder what he was doing all the time. I was concerned about what he ate. I gave him suggestions, scolded him and cried for him. I took care of him like my baby. I expressed my feelings of having a house and cute babies with him.
And both of us started crying when we thought of our current situation. We had been living like a husband and wife in our own imaginary world for almost 5 years now.
We discussed our future every day. We were tense all the time because we did not know what we would do with our relationship.
My parents are so worried about my married life. They want to see that I am happy with my marriage. Even today, I do not have the guts to tell them that I love someone else. I know that my parents will be shattered if I tell them about my friend.
That is why I stop myself from saying anything. That is why I keep my secret to myself. I am scared to face my husband too now. I know I have cheated him. I feel sorry for it too. I wish I could explain things to him.
I wish I could make the society that I lived in understand how I had been forced to marry. I want everyone to know how all this happened to me. I want to leave my husband so that at least he can live happily without me. But I know my parents will feel sad if I do anything like this.
So I stop myself from saying or doing anything.
On the other hand, my friend’s family has found a girl for him, and they are forcing him to marry her. He feels helpless. He tried to tell his parents about me without disclosing that I was a married woman. But he could not do so. We discuss this every day.
We do not have the courage to end our relationship. I cannot stay with anyone one else now because I am totally addicted to him.
Nowadays, he tells me: "Let’s stay together as friends. It is complicated to live as a couple in this society. We cannot face their weird reactions. Both of us are concerned about our parents too. My parents too will be shattered if I decide to marry a person who is already married.”
“I feel bad for what I have done to you. I think I have ruined two lives – yours and mine too.”
I realize that what he is saying is so right. I too cannot explain my situation to my parents or my husband. I know that the minute I tell them the truth, they will thrash me and will stop supporting me. My parents are eagerly looking forward to the day when my husband and I will live together like a husband and wife. They want us to have a baby soon and feel I have delayed this already. I can’t stay with my husband. I don’t feel close to him emotionally.
I love my friend so much that I cannot love anyone else again.
I have lost interest in life itself now. I have a successful career. I have earned lots of money, but I am not happy. I feel lost in life. So many questions haunt me all the time, but I don’t have any answers for any of my questions.
Sometimes I feel guilty for cheating on my husband. I am a human being. I made a mistake, but it was not intentional. What looks like a mistake to others feels right to me. I have to be true to my feelings of love too. I owe myself happiness also. Just because I am married, it does not mean I don’t deserve a second chance to be happy. We cannot even consider being together with each other because divorce is considered such a sin in our society. It is okay if unmarried people fall in love multiple times. It is OK if they cheat on their partners because they don’t have the tag of ‘marriage’ in their lives.
But if we are married and then find love outside our marriage we will be forced to hide our feelings deep within our hearts. We are forced to cheat on our partners instead of openly telling them the truth.