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Even When I Was Crying For Help, My "Friends" Blamed Me For Being The Victim

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

I have always been the girl who nobody took care of nor bothered thinking of. My father looked at me with complete disappointment as I was only an average student. My mom didn’t want people to see her with me as it was an embarrassment to have a child with obesity. My sister didn’t like me either.

In school when my crush started liking me back, the entire school started laughing because I was fat and ugly.

In all this, I met a guy in college who proposed to me. I was happy thinking there is someone who loves me for who I am and so I said yes. Later, I realised all he wanted to do was to make out and have sex with me. When I was not okay to have sex with him, he threatened to break up with me. Later, I found out that he was double dating.

"I want to have sex with two women on the same bed. Ask your best friend if she is interested," he said.

I left him. Four years later, I was molested twice. Once by my rakhi brother and the other was my best friend. On sharing this with my close friends, I was accused of behaving like a prostitute. "Tune aisa hi behave karti hain as if aao mujhe touch karo and I won’t say a word", my close friend said. I was heartbroken and completely shattered. Meanwhile, I met a friend. He was not that good looking but he made me happy. I was so in love with him, I couldn’t control it and I proposed to him. It was 6th November 2016, a cold foggy night, and the full moon was above our head, fireworks were bursting far away, and standing near Gorai beach I confessed to him how I felt. He said yes and we kissed. We were so good together. I loved him with all my heart. In a very short time, his mother came to know about us, and we had to break up. His family was my dream family, they were always together and hanging out with each other.

I loved them. I cried a lot.

I still cry over him and I never shed tears for any other thing, not even for my sister's vidaayi. So I repeated my first mistake again. I said yes to my office friend. He too had a bad breakup and was heartbroken. I was ready to forget my only true love and move on with my office friend. But he turned out to be the same as my ex. All he wants is sex. I am all grown up now. I know what's right and wrong (I am still a virgin). He keeps complaining and comparing me with his ex and his friends’ girl friends. I am done and tired. I am stress eating and gaining more weight.

Jab koi life main nahi hota hai tab chalta hai par jab koi hoke bhi nai hota tab mann dard karta hain. I tried breaking up. He doesn't want me to go. He doesn’t love me, for sure. But he doesn't want to let go. I am stuck. I am dealing with this all alone. I am left out by everyone and I am lonely. Sometimes I get scared, thinking I might go into depression. With all this, and my health issues, the only hope I have is my job, and a few people in my office who bring a smile on my face. I try to keep them happy too. All I have realized is that I am on my own, nobody will come to my aid if I need help. I have got to lead my own life.

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