Your Love Was Supposed To Be In The Place Where Chemicals And Medicines Consume Me

Anonymous Anonymous in Your Story on 23 December, 2017

Why are we so mean to people? Why can't we understand them and why do we fail to make them happy?

All we do is make promises to fill them with joy, but in the end, we hurt them and give them false hope on top of all that. Lies and back-stabbing is the standard procedure of relationship building.

My question is simple- why do it? How do you even know the perfect methods to cause pain? Do you know how it feels when I find out what you're doing to me? Do you know how it feels when I tell you how it feels? I gasp for air. I feel numb. I see myself freefalling into an abyss of blackness while you're hurling knives at me, and one of them pierce through what feels like the heart I used to have.

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In one final quivering moment, I give in again. I give up fighting for my happiness and I relapse into my depression. I know how to get out of it, but then again, what's the point? Happiness is not out there in the fake world with fake bodies. Trust, love, care, and attention- it's just some supporting vocabulary for your charade. You make up meanings as you go and none of them has the truth.

I've become so damn insecure because of this. I can't even squeeze a tear out of my eye now. On the outside, I'm an extrovert. Of course, how could I not be? I have dreams and I love my dog. I want to explore the world and experience a positive human life. But human beings love putting me down where I belong. They not only fail to understand me, they put me in a state of mind from which it's impossible to operate. I can't do things for myself, I ruin everything, and in the end, I deserve nothing at all.

Really? Don't I deserve to be heard? Don't I deserve to be loved? All that's left to me is a soul-sucking heartbreak, bandaged with lies and fake promises.

It's not news to anyone that I'm dyslexic. I don't get humour or understand things at that exact same moment, and maybe that's my mistake. Realizing these mistakes or working on them is not easy for me, but I try harder than anyone to be a better person. But you HAVE TO ruin it each time I take a misstep. With you around, it's one step forward and ten steps back. Why won't that happen when you generously judge me and belittle me every time I struggle?

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I spend endless days that turn into endless years, trying to fix myself for your whims. In the end, it's all undone because of something I did 4 years ago. Then you dump me like garbage and pile your judgement and tantrums all over me. It's suffocating me so much that I have nightmares, and all I want to do is find ways to kill myself. The only way I can block the voice in my head is if I over-eat and over-sleep, and now I also have PCOS because of it.

Now there are nights in the hospital, and the pain is in my body. The love that's left my body is replaced with chemicals and medicines. The one person who cares about me now is my gynaecologist and I have to pay to know that she's there for me. She gives me a different kind of tough love in my weight loss program. If your torture hasn't ruined my completely, my disorder will certainly finish the job for you. My life is at risk but why should you go through the trouble of understanding?

It's really upsetting to believe that you do the same things every time even after knowing how it affects me. I am only 19 and my life is already more of a nightmare than it should be. I have actually lost my best friends for you.

There were people who really cared for me and now I truly miss them. I seem to have lost them forever, though I'm certain I never intended to do that. I ignored them because I was focusing on something else. Or was I distracted by something else?

I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for removing myself from my friends' lives. But I really hope that their lives are happier than mine. I really want them to be more successful than me. I hope your mess is sorted now. But you've let me down. My own parents, my ex-boyfriend, and my lost friends- I took your mess. I took your hate. So, this is my life now.

Editor's Note:

Share this story if you believe that nobody should face this much cruelty at the hands of people who 'love' them.