You Have Been Married For A Year Now But I Still Love You

Anonymous Anonymous in Your Story on 20 January, 2018

I don’t know whether you are my buddy or my soul mate. But I know that I love you. I love you from the core of my heart. I love you so much that often my sanity deserts me. I love you insanely.

I loved you when you were always so full of life and wore your most beautiful smile. I had never seen someone with a smile like that in my life. I loved you when you listened to me and supported me but never judged me for even a second. I loved you when you looked so clumsy while working out. I loved you when we chatted over Whats App for a long time.

Every time I look at you, I fall in love with you. I know I am head over heels in love with you.

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But sadly I also know that I can never be yours – not in this life at least.

I would have given up anything to spend my life with you. But it was a twist of fate that I met you at the worst possible time. Like all Bollywood love stories, I met you when you were getting married to someone else in a month. Yet I couldn’t stop myself from falling in love with you.

I still love you though you have been married for almost a year now.

There was a little turbulence in our friendship but the most beautiful part of it was that you knew the truth.

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You knew how I felt for you but you never left me. You decided to be there for me and support me like a friend.

Sometimes the way you balance your job, husband and a nagging friend are truly commendable. I know I am always full of despair because I lost out on you but I respect you all the more because you chose to stand by me.

I offer you everything along with my friendship but you give me just your friendship and nothing else.

Yet you care for me and connect with me as a friend whenever I need you. Obviously, I know you can't be with me because you are married and I'm glad that both of us respect marital integrity and chose not to cheat on our relationships. To love someone and to care for someone is the most beautiful thing in the world. But when it is one-sided, it is the worst thing that happens to a person.

One sided love is damn difficult to deal with.
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I had always heard of it but never thought that I too would have to endure this pain someday. It is so difficult to love someone when you know that your love will never be reciprocated with the same fervour. Love means responsibilities, expectations, emotions and a lot of other complex things. I know all this but am still unable to accept the fact that you can never be mine in this life.

But I also feel happy every day because you are a part of my life in some way or the other.

I miss you. I miss those moments when we spent time together. We laughed; we shared and fought over those small things. I feel my life is complete when you are there in it and feel totally lost when you go away. Every day I try to start afresh. I want to live my life again. But I find that I am always back to square one. 

I can neither get over you nor can I live with you.

Our story is strange indeed. We met for the first time on the day ‘Ae Dil Hai Mushkil’ released. We discussed the movie and also how you had the same attitude as the actress in real life. I never realized that in a few months I too would be leading a life like the protagonist of the movie.

Sometimes, I question myself and wonder why I met you in the first place. Then I pacify my heart saying that something is better than nothing. You always want me to be happy. You always ask me to live my life to the fullest despite knowing that doing this is impossible without you.

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Maybe you don’t know how difficult it is to be happy when your lifeline is taken away from you.

I still smile for you. I support you when you need me and I try not to crib about myself or about the things that can’t be changed. I do this so because I want you to feel that I am not sad. I want you to be relieved about this.

But deep down I know that I am dead and done.

I am burning in my own pain and regret the mistake that I made. And this burning pain takes away everything else with it.

I look for you in everyone else. I try to find our bond in the other bonds that I forge. I try to get our friendship and our understanding in other relationships but I don’t find it anywhere.

Maybe I am slipping into depression because I can always feel something raging within me. But I also feel a kind of emptiness within me. I can feel the sadness and the pain within me.

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I am a rational guy. I am a strong guy. Yet I give up on this battle between my heart and my mind every day. I know that the only silver lining that I have is our friendship. Deep down I know you can never be mine but still, I want to be your other half. I want to make you my wife. But I am scared because I don't want to lose out on you.

So I learn to compromise and am content with the bond of ‘good friendship’ that we share.

I know there are days when you can’t text me or talk to me. I can’t even tell you that I am missing you. Those days are the darkest ones for me. There are days when you are on leave and days like Sundays when you have to take care of your husband and in-laws. I miss you so very much on these days. 

I don’t know whether I can continue to live like this.

People and my parents say that I brought this on myself. So I must suffer for this or move on. Some say that I should see a psychologist because they think that he might help me. But how can a doctor sort out my bloody a**h*l* of a heart? It doesn't listen to anybody. I have tried to convince it but I have failed repeatedly. So I have stopped trying to do this. I hope that someday, somehow or the other you will be mine.

But the goodness of my soul plays its part now and I want you to lead a happy married life with your kids. I wish you lots of happiness even as I slowly fade away from your life. I will wait to meet you in some parallel universe where we can be more than friends.

My friendship will always be there for you even if I am not there around you physically. I can’t live without you. All I know is that life with you is bliss and life without you is incomplete. We share a strange story of love and friendship where ‘love’ is our hero and ‘friendship’ is our heroine.  It is beautiful and painful at the same time.

If there is a thing like a ‘next birth’ I will never let you go in our next birth. Never ever because I truly believe in these lines from my favourite movie ‘A walk to remember’:

‘Love is always patient and kind. It can never be jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offence and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes.’
Author's Note:

I lost the battle – the great battle that was taking place between my heart and my brain. Every day, every night and every moment my brain does its best to slay my heart but doesn’t succeed. I feel my brain cannot fight anymore with my heart because it is tired. I am tired of fighting and losing the battle repeatedly. So I just wanted to pen down my feelings for you. I hope I am able to rest for a while after I do this.

Editor's Note:

Share this story because love can often cause us soul-searing pain but it unfailingly brings out the goodness within our souls too.