Dear dream girl,
I thought you could be mine in reality. But you are slowly drifting away from our real world into the dream world.
A fistful of memories is all that I have of you now. They are stitched through my heart and create an unexplainable pain within me.
I don’t see love in your eyes anymore. Neither can I feel the warmth of your hug when you sit behind me on my bike. I can never forget that moment when I first held your hand. All I can think of now is - How I can be happy in my life without YOU.
If I ask you if we really deserved this in our lives I know even you will reply with a big “NO”. But we had to part ways because of our upbringing and also because we believed in the traditions that our families followed.
Life has changed a lot for me. Things are no longer the same as they were earlier. I have changed a lot too. But I am not able to change this feeling of ‘missing you’. I still remember the day you asked me whether I would miss you in future. You were going to meet and talk to the person your family had selected for you. I had said, “Of course I will miss you- you idiot.”
I didn’t know that my pain would be so intense after you left me. It was spreading like slow poison throughout my heart. It was wrecking me from inside.
I remember how you said, “Try not to miss me and be happy.” I didn’t want to ask you what you would do if you missed me. I only wished that all this had never happened.
You had a reason to leave me. A loving person was entering your life. But I didn’t have anything to ease my pain. I was going to lose you for the sake of our families.
I didn’t lie to you. I didn’t manipulate things. And I would not be lying when I say that I tried not to miss you.
I try not to miss you every single day. But I do continue to miss you. Every day I tell myself that I will not think of you today. But I am incapable of doing this. Every day I push myself to the edge and then come back again because I can’t get away from the memories of the times we spent together.
I cry when I am alone. I feel lonely despite being surrounded by so many people. It all looks meaningless to me now.
I am sure this is happening because of the impact you had on me and on my life. Somehow I ended up realizing who I really was after meeting you. I now know that I am a person who loves you unconditionally. Nothing goes well in the office these days. I am unable to concentrate on anything that I do. The only thing that I want to do is to be able to spend time with you and talk to you. But you are always engaged in your work or are busy making calls to your family or talking to the person who is going to be your special one in the near future.
I still pick you up from your office and on the way, I just wish I could spend one never-ending night with you. But I know that you have to fulfil your responsibilities and keep your parents happy. So I hold myself back.
I can see you drifting away from me slowly right before my eyes.
I respect the fact your family found you a match that suited you well. After I met him I realized that he was someone I could leave you with.
He is a person who will love you immensely.
But then I feel sorry for myself too because the time that we get to spend together is reducing to such an extent that we meet each other only during our music practice sessions. If we are not able to meet each other I know I will always get a sweet reply from you at the end of the day wishing me “Good night.”
I lie awake and spend my sleepless nights reliving all those moments that we shared together.
These days I am trying new tricks to hate you and to hate myself. But I am not able to do it.
I assume the role of a bad boy and explain things to myself. I tell myself that you were nothing but a prop in my life. I had just used you and then thrown you away. I then tell myself that I need to concentrate on someone else now. I even think of getting myself a new girl.
I then put on a wicked smile on my face and laugh to myself. I then think that I am really good at putting on a façade. But the next second I know I am lying to myself. Then all the wickedness disappears.
I realize that I can’t lie to myself. I don’t know how to lie to myself. I try but I fail at this.
I notice that your calls and your texts are decreasing to a great extent these days. I know that I don’t hold the importance that I used to have in your life earlier. You have started talking to me about the person you are going to be with soon whenever we meet. I pick you up from the hostel and drop you to your office every day as usual. I smile at you when you tell me such things but it kills me to know that you will never be mine. I am unable to control my thoughts when you sit behind me on my bike.
I want to convince myself that you have conned me into loving you. I want to assume the role of a victim and make myself believe that you used me and then threw me away when you didn’t need me anymore. But I know that this too would be as big a lie as the first one. Unfortunately, I know that none of us is a villain.
We are just two people who are connected by something called ‘human emotions.’ And right now I hate emotions because they make me feel close to you. I try like hell but I feel so incomplete without you. I love being with you. I want to take care of you like my daughter. I know I will always give you anything that you want. I will do anything to make you happy.
In this context, I am slowly moving away from you.
I hope this at least gives you the message that I am not into you anymore. I can’t hate you. I can’t stop loving you. But the very thought that I will be left alone without you is unbearable.
The world around me is changing. You too are changing too. But the hollowness within me still exists. I don’t know if the void will be ever be filled. But I will have patience with my life. When they say that “Expectations can kill you” they are right. I know I will miss you forever.
With lots of love,
From the person who will always love you.