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What Losing My Father Taught Me About Depression And Death

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

Sometimes life brings such situations in front of you that change you completely. I am not such a good writer, it's just a page from my diary. I lost my father to cancer. I saw him struggling for life.

Till his last day he had the zeal to live. I carry this guilt for not being able to save him but I saw him in my dreams. He visited me till I accepted his physical absence.

Within a few months, the boy I loved left me because of family, society, caste. He was the only escape for me from this misery. I never expected that he will be one of the reasons I cry. I won't blame him anyway. These things landed me to somewhere I won't call exactly depression but I have felt that I could have surrendered myself to depression. So today I would write what it feels like to go through it. Trust me no one will understand what it feels like unless they have walked on this road that ends nowhere.

It feels like something is sinking inside, deep, very deep. I have felt what makes people go mad, what makes people end their lives. I have lost every single bit of self-confidence. I want to stay alone, calm and quiet in a corner but something inside me is always screaming — 'SAVE ME' because I don't want to die before death.

I understand how it feels seeing dead bodies of your loved ones. So I don't want to give that misery to my loved ones. I fight with myself everyday to come out of this feeling. I try to live normally. Normal, routine life. But there are some moments in the whole day where time stops and I just go blank. I cry without any reason. It feels like there is something cold inside. These situations have made me trust less.

I am afraid of getting into relationships and marriage. I am afraid of fate, of death, of attachment. But I have still kept my fight on to come out of this miserable feeling. I pen down my thoughts, I try to keep myself engaged in my hobbies. Hopefully someday I would be better than today. I know I can't expect situations to be right always. But my motive to write all these things is if you are reading this, may be you are going through similar feelings or may be you come across as someone who is going through something.

I would say — keep fighting until you die. someday you will be fine. And if you come across someone facing this and you want to help them, just let them know that you will be there for them. Try to boost their confidence and be soft. I have written some lines to help myself. Hopefully it'll help someone else as well.

Zindagi toh chalti hi rahegi,
Har din subah bhi hoga aur raat bhi aayegi..

Par jab sannata lage goonjne aaspass,
Andar hi andar ho khalipan ka ehsas..

Jab har ghadi lagne lage bhari,
Soonapan aur andhere se jab lage apnepan si..

Jab mehroom sa lage khud ka hona,
Kuch andar jaise lage doob raha..

Toh khud ki ahaton se tu karle dosti,
Khud ki dhadkon ko mehsoos tu kar..

Tutne lage jab saari himmat andar,
Khud ka tu ban humdard..

Jab saath chalne sa lage na koi,
Tu khud humsafar ban ja..

Zindagi toh chalti rahegi,
Maut se pehle tu har pal jee ke bita..

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