What It's Like To Be In An Abusive Relationship That YOU Refuse To Give Up

Anonymous Anonymous in Your Story on 22 February, 2017

Life is a beautiful gift of god but unfortunately, some of us are wasting it on something or should I say someone, who is not even worth it.

I am an IT professional based in Bengaluru. One and a half year ago I met up with a colleague. I fell for him so easily, may be because of the breakup I had faced recently. He helped me in consolidating the broken pieces of my heart and made me laugh again. He too was in the same phase so we were falling for each other strongly just in a span of a few months.

We had endless stories to tell each other but he had a repeated story to tell me always that, "My parents are orthodox and we cannot move ahead in our relationship."

But I was happy again, smiling again, living my dreams again so I didn't want to leave my happiness and move ahead. I told him, "Let's be happy in the moment, who knows what our future will unfold?" He too was okay with that thought.

Time passed and we were getting really serious and yes he also said, "I love you and let the right time come, I will try and talk to my parents. I will make so much money that nobody can stop me from whatever I want to do." He was lying.

I caught him chatting with his ex one day. He was literally begging her to come back to him. It left me feeling absolutely numb for sometime, I could not sleep the whole night. The explanation for this was that "he wanted to meet her once and know the reason for why she cheated on him." His excuse didn't make any sense to me.

Our fights went on for a week and I decided to move away from him. He was guilty and was apologising but I was not accepting him back. The fight was being dragged for no reason. He told me that I should leave him alone and break up.

I was okay initially but then my eternal sadness and broken soul made me beg him. I said to him, "Don't leave me, please stay with me with whatever condition you have." That was the biggest mistake of my life, in this relationship.

This episode gave him the confidence to do anything. According to him, he had the power now, he was the man. Seeing a girl on her knees for him told him he could do whatever with me. He said a beautiful thing to me after all that we'd been through, "You are my life's biggest problem, I never wanted to stay with you but you wanted it and you only said to me na that 'keep me however you want' then why are you being so demanding now? Just get lost from my life and let me live happily or else I will disappear, change the city and number to get away from you."

My demands were limited to spending time with him, getting a few surprises from him, remembering a few important days and celebrating them. For him, all of this made me a demanding girlfriend.

I am used to his abusive and aggressive language by now but I can't imagine staying without him. So, I have to forget everything and accept him for how he is. I also beg him every time with a flood of tears and few sleepless nights. He is very clear that he doesn't want me, I also don't want a man like him but I am not able to free myself from him because I have seen his caring and loving side.

I'm completely depressed now, my mind sometimes tells me that I should just end my life. I know it's completely my mistake that I'm still with him even though he doesn't want to be with me. He has told me very clearly that he wont marry me but I don't know why I'm not being able to move on from this abusive relationship.
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