This is an unsaid letter to the love of my life.
A vent of emotions, an ocean of mixed feelings. Tea vendors, sandwiches, chips were moving to and fro. As I sat near the window pane of Pune Ernakulum Express, my eyes gazed at a group of three students on a bench at Panvel station.
My memories started racing faster than the wheels of the train.
The hooting of the train continued, so did my mind. Time and again, life had amazed me. With the twists and turns and the unexpected people in it, I had always felt that life was a roller coaster ride. But till now, one concept of love never seemed to fit within my "understanding zone.” Like every teenager, it always bothered me what love was. The overhyped love and the feeling of togetherness made me sit and think most of the time, “What does it feel like to be in love?” But then it happened.
The angel of love finally came to me. He was tall and wore spectacles. He had eyes which were an ocean of emotions. He rarely talked. Here and there, there used to be a smile on his face. He was serious most of the times; sometimes naughty and sometimes angry.
When I tried to think back, I couldn’t exactly remember what I liked about him.
Was it those eyes that made me fall for him? Or was it the way he fought with me? From a stranger, he had already become a friend, probably more than a friend. I used to act all weird around him, all the time talking and being impulsive. In my school days, I was an ‘anti-pyaar’ person. I always used to think how someone can love strangers more than themselves. The genuineness of love touched me when I met this guy, and little did I know that my perspective of love would change forever.
It wasn’t a crush or infatuation. It was far more above that; a feeling that can’t be forgotten. It was true and felt pure.
A kind of emotion that one person could feel for another only once in their lifetime. And I had felt it. My eyes would start dreaming the minute I thought of him and it would bring a huge smile to my lips. I had a vast and never-ending love for him which couldn’t be expressed in words. It was like the love I felt for him would never end and nothing in this world mattered more than his happiness. I could even get him stars and moon to make him smile. He was my dream, my hope and all my happiness. He was the one who would come to my mind while I was asleep or awake.
He would haunt me at night and make me smile during the day.
It was a kind of serene feeling that couldn’t be expressed. It was there deep in my heart. Every beat in my heart echoed his name. But they say true love is like Santa Claus. He would come but only the lucky ones got him. This was my Christmas too and I was waiting for my Santa. My tired life needed a partner and my broken heart longed for love. After years, I had paid attention to myself and I was completely exhausted from the life I was leading. I was only confined to planners and diaries. I was in the irony of disliking hypocrites and being one myself.
The outside world knew me as a happy-go-lucky person, but in reality, I was getting torn apart.
The volcano of emotions that were buried inside me needed to come out. All they needed was a lovely soul whom I could confide in. This is when I felt the need of true love. Finally, I was introduced to the harsh realities of life from a beautiful dreamland. The fairy tale I was living in all these days didn’t have a prince. There were love and a princess, but the prince was missing. I didn’t know what he felt about me. I still don’t.
The silence between us was never broken. The feelings were never conveyed.
I wasn’t accepted, nor was I rejected. Being in between was the most difficult part. I was getting annoyed and frustrated which started showing up. It was like the cycle of life was reversed. We again went to become a stranger from being a best friend.
This letter is to the guy I love the most, to the best thing that happened to me.
I loved him the most and I believe not everything has a reason in life.
"There was no reason why I met you or why I am not with you. All I had for you was lots of love, care, and a small wish to lead a life with you. Even if the journey wasn’t long, the walk would be memorable forever. Sometimes we need to give up because no matter how much we would want it, we are never going to get it.
You were like a star in the sky and I was gazing at it.
There were no hopes left in my eyes. After all, stars always stayed up in the sky, out of the reach of people. There were a few things I wanted to tell you and that’s why I wrote this letter. The things I could never tell you otherwise. Every time you smiled, it made me happy. Every joy of yours was my source of celebration. I never told you this but every moment spent with you are forever etched in my heart. I remembered every small detail about you, from shoes to the colour of the shoes you wore. Those beautiful moments have taken the form of a treasured memory that runs at the back of my mind every time I feel low. You would not know this but holding your hands was the most romantic moment for me. I felt the warmth and a sort of assurance of our togetherness.
In every step of my life, you were my inspiration and no one can ever replace you in my heart.
Even now, when I get scared at night, I think of you and sleep. It was your smile that made me go forward in my life and achieve heights. Every moment with you was the happiest and I would forever preserve them. You were the person I loved the most and I would still want to spend the rest of my life with you.
As I write this now, I have tears in my eyes, my breath is heavy and a feeling of emptiness in my heart."
There’s a tinge of sadness, an anxiety yet a feeling of serenity. Not every relationship in life works out. My love angel came to me but it never stayed. Instead, it taught me a lesson for life. It changed my perspective towards love. I no longer consider it as a fancy, overhyped feeling but rather a beautiful thing that happens only once in life. And I couldn’t be gladder that I got to experience it.
Yes, of course, overcoming the pain of losing him wasn’t easy and it made me into a completely new person. But I don’t resent it either. It made me more matured and strong. Everyone loses something in their life, and for me, it was my first love. Did it hurt? Yes, like hell. But it didn’t mean the end of my life.
Life is not always about getting what you want. It’s not always about living in a castle with your prince.
It is also about facing adversity, struggling through it, and then succeeding it. Till this day, he remains my inspiration and my heart still skips a beat whenever his name crosses my mind. But I haven’t stayed in my past. I have moved on to a better life. I have dreams and ambitions to be fulfilled. And most importantly, I still have love for all around me. I believe that a beautiful life awaits me.
The hot cup of coffee in my hand has already become cold and I am still holding that unsaid letter in my hand. They say ‘Hope’ is the soul of life. As the train hooted through the dark valleys of Mumbai, I felt a ray of hope coming towards me. Somewhere in the deep chambers of my heart, I felt myself hoping that he would read this letter and I smiled.