She Might Be Using Me But I Chose To Protect Her Anyway

Anonymous Anonymous in Your Story on 26 May, 2018

Self-respect is something that I too held high. The girl that I liked was best friends with my friend. I couldn't handle it, so I left. There were more than the obvious reasons. This guy turned out to be not what I had expected and treated her inappropriately. I was involved, but I stayed as her friend. And I opened up to her about my feelings so that she could trust me. I told her that she should tell me whether she had feelings for him.

If she does then I was literally putting myself into a grave. She said she doesn't. My aim was to keep her safe. That was all. And that is all I did.

I liked her and hence was vulnerable. I told her that I would trust whatever she tells me thus she shouldn't lie. If I were to find out any other way, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. She said it was okay for me to trust her blindly. My gut feeling gave me doubts. And I kept on asking her if she was genuine. I told her that I do have these doubts. I wanted my friendship with her to be real and honest. We were not in a relationship as she didn’t see me that way. I was okay with that. It did hurt, but it was fine.

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I wanted to ask her if somehow her parents were to allow her to marry anyone she liked and in such a situation, would she say yes to him? He has done good things for her too. If she were to say yes, then what about me?

I made sure that she didn't have feelings for him before I stood up for her against him. I was completely open. I am terrified to face such a situation, the humiliation and self-hate that would come with it. From the bottom of my heart, I was committed to helping her only. And I did not in anyway make a move on her. I had promised her I would not. Often I would ask her and tell her not to lie. I realised how much I pester her with this but I am giving her chances to say so. So that I could be prepared, and I wouldn't feel used. I can't think of her as someone who would do this to use me.

If she is doing this it might've been because she doesn't realise that she is not letting me know and keeping me stuck in this rut.
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