I cannot forget that day. It's crystal clear in my head and it seems as real today as it was that day. You were looking outside the window of the car and a drop of tear rolled down my cheek. It has happened. I didn't want it, you did. You walked away without saying a thing. I still don't understand why you were so selfish. I'm still trying to figure out if this happens often. If two people in love drift apart like this. Just because one person got cold feet, the other person has to suffer. Why?
Because he was in love and she was too. But she decided to leave for a reason I'll will never understand.
This is what true love feels like you see. I don't belong to Generation Y, I wish I did. For me, keeping her happy is still more important than surviving this isolated feeling. Leave aside happiness, I don't know if I'll be able to survive this at the first place. Commitment is a funny thing, isn't it? You fall in love, you fall out of it. But, a formal agreement to this feeling can make anyone lose his or her shit. That's what happened to her... I know.
She loved me a bit too much so she could not say No to me because of the fear of losing me completely, but what happened later closed doors for us permanently. She should've thought it through. I don't know why she didn't. It would've saved us both endless tears. I sometimes feel responsible for all the displeasure and detest that she holds in her head. I want to blame myself because it makes me feel better, it gives me peace. It gives me comfort in thinking she didn't leave me mid-way for nothing, I must have gone wrong somewhere at least. I still remember that day my love, when you left.
Questions galore kept lurking around my head. The more I focussed on finding an answer, the tougher questions arose and nothing but a delusional numbness took over me. Situations were changing; people came close, said something and went away. I replied to them but couldn't respond to my own questions. I smiled outwardly but inside not a speck of happiness was there for you were nowhere to be seen anymore. It was our wedding day. The day we'd been waiting for oh-so-eagerly. A few hours back, with all the celebrations and traditions, I had exchanged vows with God as a representative of her.
Those four vows (Laavs) were expected not only to tie us together in a mutual everlasting relationship but also to put us on a spiritual path leading towards unison with him. Trudging through those circles of life long togetherness, I heard those vows being recited in Gurudwara Sahib in front of Guru Granth Sahib.
I could understand what they meant and how I was probably heading the opposite way. The first laav urged us to commit the path of righteousness and to renounce sinful actions. My mind asked - are you not committing a sin right now? I say probably yes, but the lovelorn heart pushed back the answer. I started looking down upon myself, hating the situation I had put her in. I tramped through the rest of the circles and she walked beside me, connected by the pink stole of promises but disconnected at her heart. She dived deeper into dark depression and almost fainted, with a deep fear for what future will bring to her. I was then returning home, with a load of relatives giggling, smiling, happy for us. But none of it mattered to me. I looked at the stars, smiled back at them hoping they could reflect some of it onto her. I was still praying to God in my head that what she had whispered in my ear at the end was a farce. How I wish they were sweet nothings and nothing more than that.
A slight shimmer on her face, a light of hope in her eyes, a small stretch of smile on her lips – please show me something. But nothing came by. She finally left, as soon as the post-wedding rituals ended. She left. Nobody could've stopped her because she had my support.
She wanted to be a free bird, at least that's what I assume and there's no harm in that. I just wish she could at least give me a chance to fly with her if that's what she really wanted from her life. She didn’t want to marry me for reasons which I don’t like questioning. It is her life and she should get to choose the actions which decide her future. Sadly she couldn’t, and I failed her in not standing by her side. I loved her then and I think I still do.
If she could understand my position back then, may be overlook, forgive and look ahead, we can probably bring back the girl she was and the guy I was. Guru Granth Sahib says "They are not said to be husband and wife who merely sit together. Rather they alone are called husband and wife, who have one soul in two bodies". Will it ever be true for us? Maybe maybe not. Wishful thinking and hope can make things work but they can also be tragically disheartening and crippling! It’s four month down now and I am still waiting for her. I close my eyes and try to remember her face.
Sometimes, I can't remember it correctly. I try desperately to bring back the image of that smile.The picture fades abruptly, and so does my hope.