She Didn't Love Me Deeply Enough To Fight For Us, And I Can't Even Find The Words To Bring Her Back

Anonymous Anonymous in Your Story on 27 June, 2018

It all started when I started taking tuition classes in my locality. I was very young and quite friendly. So all my students would treat me like a friend.

They knew they could count on me to solve all their problems.

One of my students was younger than me by 6 years. She was impressed and motivated by my teaching. She was just a teenager but she was getting attracted to me. I was stunned when I realized this so I started ignoring her. Earlier I would solve all her personal and family issues. But when I realized that she was getting attracted to me I stopped doing this. I said, “I am your teacher. I am just doing my duty sincerely. Don’t expect anything else from me.” She became angry when I told her this and her attitude changed.

Advertisement
I felt bad for being so rude to her but I had no choice.

One day, I felt guilty because I felt I had been pressurizing her a lot academically. She was not able to take it. She burst out in anger and said, “F*uck off!”

My ego was hurt. I had my pride after all. So I asked her to discontinue from my classes.

I had been teaching two girls in the same room so far. They were cousins. Now I had to go to the other girl’s house to teach her. This girl was quite good. I liked her. She was very weak in academics because her family never supported her properly. But as a teacher, I felt it was my duty to work on her development.

Advertisement
She was smart, clever and understanding. She had very good qualities as a human being. I was getting attracted to all these aspects of her personality.

One day when I was admitted to the hospital, she sent me a message saying that she was missing me. He mom called me to inquire about my condition.

I felt they were treating me like their own son. I loved them when they expressed their love for me through such gestures.

She was a Muslim and I belonged to an orthodox family where we were not permitted to maintain any kind of relationship with beef eating people. But I believed that all of us were good human beings. I did not believe in a concept like ‘religion’. I believed we had given names to different religions and framed the rules for each religion.

I knew that there was only one God.
Advertisement

One day, I was angry with her about something. I was just leaving her house when she held my hand and asked me not to leave her. I could see the love in her eyes. She started crying and in a soft voice said, “I am not like my cousin!” I realized that she too had started liking me. I wanted me to give her a second chance. So I just apologized to her and things were under control again. When I returned home that day, I was just thinking about her. I wondered if she was doing the same thing that her sister was doing.

But I liked her and thought that there was no harm in becoming her friend. She then shared all her family secrets with me and I too did the same with her.

I started spending long hours at her house and became close to her mom too. I loved them a lot and treated them like my own family. I thought of her as my second mother. A few months later I realized that she had fallen in love with me.

She would always become jealous whenever I complimented her sister’s looks. I noticed her behaviour for a while and one fine day I realized that I too was mesmerized by her charm and had fallen in love with her.

I drew a sketch of her face and gave it to her on her birthday. I then proposed to her within a couple of days. She was astonished but she was quite happy too. It took her three days to accept my proposal. We now started our relationship.

I now became her lover, her best friend and her teacher too. I was playing three roles at the same time and loved this phase of our lives.
Advertisement

One day, I said, “What will you do if your family does not accept me? I am a Hindu. Will you run away or will you fight?” She said she could never leave her family. I accepted her answer and told her to end our relationship because we had just started it.

I felt it would be easier for us to back off now without hurting each other. I left her house that day assuming that our relationship had ended.

When I went to her house the next day, I just treated her like my student. She didn’t approve of it and said, “I want to die because my family will never allow us to get married and I can’t live without you.” I assured her and told her not to worry. I told her that I was always there for her.

I told her that we didn’t know what the future had in store for us so we just needed to focus on the present for now.

So we continued with our affair and our bond grew stronger with time. I would spend 6-7 hours teaching and gossiping with her and her mother.

She was not really the girl that I wanted for myself. She was very rude and egoistic at times. But I didn’t care about such things because I believed in loving a person unconditionally. I never expected anything from her. I just wanted her to love me always.
Advertisement

I never stalked her or doubted her or shouted at her. Sometimes I got angry with her but my anger lasted only for a couple of minutes. I would get butterflies in my stomach whenever I saw her and whenever I hugged her I thought that the world was in my arms.

She would cuddle me, tease me and make me do all her work for her. She would make me do all her projects and ask me to do all her household work too. I would do all this without a second thought.

Sometimes I would get mad at her but when I saw her cute face and heard her baby like voice, all the negativity would flow out of my heart and I would be full of love for her again. I made her feel secure about herself. I was always there for her whenever she had any questions about her career. I was always there to love her whenever she needed me.

But I was the one who raised the topic of our future.

Whenever I told her that I was not going to see her anymore or was going to break up with her she would start crying and say that she wanted to die. So I would keep changing my decision for her. One day, I got angry with her and told her that she should die.

I too did not have the courage to break up with her because I loved her a lot.

But one day we really had a very bitter fight and she cut her wrist with a blade after that. I was shattered to see so much blood flowing from her wrist. That was the time I planned to do the same thing too. But I couldn’t do so because I had to take her to the hospital. So I controlled my emotions but was crying on the way to the hospital. All her family members gathered around her that day and they started doubting me. She got stitches on her wrist and I still curse myself for all this.

I was not afraid to show that I loved her and I didn’t care a damn about other people. I knew I had not committed a sin by falling in love with her. But that day I realized something. I had always been there for her but she had never been there for me.

I don’t know what her family told her that night. She finally ended up breaking up with me. She left me saying, “We don’t have a future and I can’t betray my parents for you. I would have gone against my family had you been a Muslim. I am leaving you for your own good. This is it.” I started crying in front of her but she turned her face and refused to accept me.

I just smiled and walked out from there. I could not stop her tuition classes as her final exams were just around the corner. I was still emotionally hurt at that time but I continued with the classes till she finished her final exams. She told me that she would miss me. I just smiled and hid my tears.

There were many questions that I wanted to ask her but I just kept quiet. Why did she start a relationship with me when she knew she would break it in the end? What about my family? Did she even ask me if my family would accept her? Why was she so mean and selfish with me?

I wanted to ask her so many things but somewhere down the line, I needed to accept the fact that she never really loved me. So there was no point in asking her any questions after she had already passed the verdict.

I didn’t even take my fees from her. I was so heartbroken that I just wanted to run away from that place. I have been depressed for the last 4 months and want to commit suicide.

My life doesn’t feel good to me anymore. I miss her. I miss her words and her accent.

One day, she called me out of the blue to tell me that she had passed her exams but was finding it difficult to get admission. I rushed to her house because I still loved her. But she was no longer the girl I knew. She had changed. She was happy and confident about herself now. It killed me to see her like this.

I just smiled, helped her and walked out of her life. Deep down I took an oath that day that no matter how pathetic the situation was – I will never go to meet her again. Right now, even when I see her, I walk past her like as if I am a stranger.

She is looking out for a new friend now. I know she moved on from me a long time back but even now I cannot accept the fact that she has left me. I finally realized that one-sided love causes a lot of pain. Love brings us happiness only when both partners love each other.

Author's Note:

We say that love is beyond religion, caste or creed. But the real fact is that such things matter a lot in real life.

Most people who fall in love don’t even know what love is all about. We just relate it to the Hindi movies that we watch and convince ourselves that love is dosti, saath, baat sunana etc.

But the fact is that nobody is perfect. Everybody has some good and bad qualities and we just need to accept them and move on with our lives.

Editor's Note:

Often we are so blinded by love that we choose to ignore the reality. The reality will not change just because we have a different set of beliefs. Let's learn not to get carried away by all those lovely fairy tales that we read and the movies that we watch. Let's share this story and read such real-life experiences to know how painful love can often be. Let's then find some practical ways to deal with the harsh realities of life.