It was in the third year of my engineering course when I first saw her.
I wasn’t the kind to believe in love at first sight. I always thought that I will never fall for someone without getting to know them. She changed all that. I fell for her from the very first moment I saw her. It was her first year in college. I always wanted to go talk to her but never got the chance. I always hoped that I’ll get to see her in college every morning, hoping for the slightest chance to talk to her. She did not seem like a girl who would socialize easily (especially with a senior). But I was unknowingly falling in love with her more and more every single day.
Fast forward 2 years, my college life had ended and I still had not really talked to her. I started writing a diary after college. Initially, it was supposedly about life and future. But at one point, I decided that my love will not be an unfinished story. So what did I do? Of course, I sent her a friend request on Facebook and sent some messages over chat to let her know that I wanted to get to know her. After two weeks, she accepted my friend request and I receive a message from her!
That was it, my love story had taken its first baby steps.
Since that day, we started texting almost every day, getting to know each other. Not a day went by for me without thinking of her. She initially showed some interest in me and those days seemed to be so beautiful even when I got sick. I kept thinking of her all the time, waiting to get a text from her, hoping for a reply. I went crazy every time my phone beeped. Then, One day she told me she had a crush on someone. She never told who he was. Being this positive idiot, I kept contemplating that maybe it was me she was referring to. As days went by, I took it slow and I made her understand I really liked her. She knew that from the very beginning but did not really say anything about it. I thought she wanted time and I told her she can take her own time and I’ll wait as long as she wanted. But after some time had passed, she told me that she is interested in someone else.
That's when everything changed. I had misunderstood what she had said about her crush. I felt a weight in my heart, like something crushing it from the inside. A pain that feels like it will never fade away. I had to back off from her. I wouldn't have given up if she hadn't told me she was interested in someone else. I was honest with her. I had loved her truly and immensely. I had believed that true love always prevails. But now that this core belief has turned out to be a lie, I don't really know what to believe in anymore.
I am crying on the inside and shouting for help and nobody can hear it.
Whether she loved me back or not doesn't change the fact that I was madly in love with her. People who have been through a breakup or have experienced one-sided love can relate to this pain. I smile on the outside but it’s all a how. I locked myself in my room for 2 weeks crying almost every day. Men are said to be emotionally stronger than women. They say that it’ why they don't cry as much as women. It’s all a sham. A lie. It hurts just the same no matter who you are when your heart feels like it has been crushed and played with. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to fall in love again. Because I always wanted to fall in love with one person, love that girl unconditionally and grow old with her. Is it really bad to be that guy? Maybe it is because I don’t want to feel this way. I wish I was able to just flirt with every other girl and move on in life. When will this pain go away? Will it ever? Only time can tell.
I really want a way out of all this. I just want to give up. But, I have promises to keep. I have to take care of my parents. I have to follow my dreams.
But I wish I never met this girl. I wish I never fell in love. These days, I write everything in my diary and I write only about my love. Only about how I feel for her. Only about the pain. A part of me wants to really make her realize how much she means to me. That part of me cries every day hoping for things to change, waiting for her to understand what I am really going through. The rest of me is trying to tell me the truth- It’s never going to work out, that she is never coming back, that she will never be mine.
I feel like I don't even know what happiness is now. But, even if I act like I’m happy, she is going to think she never really did mean so much to me. She is not going to know how much I love her. I told her I'll get busy with gaming and music and that I'll move on and honestly, that is what I have been trying to do it every single day. I try to keep myself busy, but at the end of the day, I end up missing her and thinking of her, crying for help. The dilemma of whether to wait for her to understand or bring in a change is making me crazy.
I am down in the dump and it feels like I’ll never be able to get back up. I have stopped feeling everything. This pain is killing me little by little every single day. I just want someone to love me back as much as I have loved her.
I want to be happy again. I want to laugh again. I want to get away from this loneliness. I want my life back.