Family father and daughter Love

My Only Regret Is Not Knowing How To Be A Better Daughter

( words)
*For representational purpose only.
The greatest gift my dad ever gave me was his faith in me. I have let him down on so many occasions that I have lost track of the number now.

I have blown so many opportunities of making my parents proud. Most people would feel blessed to even get such opportunities. I overdosed on antidepressants twice. It happened in the final year of my engineering when I was in my hostel room. I should have been dead but I believe I was kept alive for a reason.

I have slammed the bedroom door so many times on my dad. Yes, on the one person who believed in me.

I had to drop a year when I was doing my engineering. I wanted to take up medicine in the future so I joined coaching classes to prepare for the medical entrance examinations. Midway through the year, I stopped going to these classes because I thought a professor was harassing me. Then again, when I finally got into a medical college, I opted out of it though I had worked very hard to get through the entrance exams.

I knew I had slaughtered my father’s dreams. I had wept my way out of my engineering degree. I had made my dad’s life miserable at that time too.

I know that my dad is the only person in this world of 7 billion people who would cry if something happened to me. And how did I repay him for all that he had done for me?

I stood up for losers and became the biggest loser of them all. I committed so many blunders in my life that I did not even know why I was going ahead with it.

We are defined by the choices that we make in our lives. I ran behind losers all my life.  Why was I doing this? At the end of it all, I had just become a nervous wreck and a patient with depression.

If you surround yourself with one-sided relationships, it is a dead end. Such people don't care about you and you end up overdosing on medicines to get high. Such relationships only end up breaking hearts, dreams and relationships. They destroy your life. I spent my whole life running after people who kicked me in my face. I am not trying to preach something here. This is the kind of life I lived.

I sometimes wonder why I could not be a better daughter to my dad?

Maybe it wasn’t all that late to make amends. My dad is a diabetes mellitus type 2 patient. According to the doctors, this disease reduces the lifespan of a person by 10 years. Yesterday, I got a call from someone at home. They said, “Your dad’s sugar levels suddenly shot up sharply. Are you happy now? He lost the best years of his life trying to solve the problems of your life. He neglected his health while doing this.”

I was speechless when I heard this. I broke down. I wanted to run all the way back to my hometown to see his face. But I was miles away from him. So I just sat down quietly.

I live in the United Kingdom now. I miss him terribly. I feel like walking down the street. I want to look up towards the sky while I think about my dad. I know he lives in India but this is what I want to tell him: “Dear dad, I have finally become what you wanted me to become. Look at me. I am your daughter. I am living your dream. I am studying bio-medicine at the Newcastle Medical School. I am so sorry about everything. I know you are the only person who cared for me. I was too blind to see that.”

Maybe, someday, when I go back to India I can look at him and tell him this while hugging him.

Certain petty things do not and should not matter beyond a point of time in life. People may block you on social media. Friends may start dating others without telling you. A friend may date your crush. A guy may not reciprocate your feelings etc.

What matters most is the greatest gift of God – your family. We may live a long life but it is these precious moments that we spend with our family that matter the most. 
I just want to tell my dad one thing, “Dad, I love you. Don’t write me off just yet. I’ve made mistakes. No - huge mistakes actually. But you have taught me that it is okay to make mistakes as long as we rise up from them and above them, right?”

“I have finally become the independent girl that you always wanted me to become. The demons of negativity did haunt my mind earlier, but I have stabbed them now and sowed the seeds of happiness, responsibility and gratitude towards my family. Please hug me. You have loved me so much always. Silently. You have always been my biggest strength, my bestest friend and the greatest pillar of support. I was and still am my daddy’s little girl!”

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