The laptop was still open in front of me and I couldn’t believe that it was my husband who was chatting on an online dating site for 'Call Girls'. My whole world came crashing down on me that day. The man I thought was more than perfect was actually someone else.
My husband and I had a love marriage. We both were working and staying away from home. We got introduced, fell in love and then started living in together without the knowledge of our parents. We did live together for more than 3 years before finally tying the knot in front of our family and friends.
But the journey from live-in to marriage was a roller-coaster ride. His family was dead against our marriage since we came from different states. On the other side, my parents were not against marriage but they were continuously pressuring us into settling down. Since his family was against marriage, my parents thought that eventually he would also dump me.
But at that time, he stood like my pillar of strength. Sometimes I thought of giving up but he never lost hope. His commitment and love towards me was unconditional. Finally, he convinced his family and we tied the knot. Life was beautiful post our marriage, till the day I got pregnant.
After marriage we began our new journey. Our married life was just perfect. Yes, there were some ups and downs but that is in every marriage right? He was an ideal husband. He used to help me in every household activity – cooking, cleaning, ironing etc. Everything was our work without any gender specific division.
He was so understanding towards my work that I never felt like I was a married woman. Our friends were jealous of us. We were a perfect couple. He was not interested in any other girl, to flirt or to befriend. He was only mine.
Even when his family came to our house for some days and tried to create problems between us, he stood with me. Only because of this, there was always tension between him and his family. Then after 5 years of marriage, I got pregnant. It was a planned one as we were taking time to settle in our jobs and other things.
Suddenly his behaviour changed during my pregnancy in the first trimester. My sixth sense could feel it. He used to be tensed and didn’t come close to me. Whenever I asked him what had happened and whether he was ready for a baby, he smiled and told me that it was because of my pregnancy that I was overthinking. I believed him.
I wanted to have sex with him but he was not ready for the same. He said it could harm the baby and he could stay without the same for 9 months, not a big deal. I felt ashamed that I was the one who was pressuring him into it. We used to know each other’s Facebook, Gmail, bank account details and passwords. So there was no room for doubt.
Then when I was in my 6 month of pregnancy, I opened his Gmail for some reason. I noticed that he was using an online dating portal. I saw some of his messages with call girls whose services he had used. All this started when I was 3 months pregnant.
I checked one of his bank account details and then saw several of his transactions. In these 5 months, he used their services 2-3 times. Once messaging and 2-3 times escort services. I was completely devastated.
I lost my cool instantly, I shouted like a mad woman and confronted him. He didn’t acknowledge the same initially and said he had arranged the girls for his boss. I didn’t believe him. I called one of his colleagues who I trusted. He told me, he will get the CCTV footage of the hotel my husband had recently visited and would also call his boss. Then finally my husband accepted that it was him.
The most shameful thing he did was that he blamed the whole incident on me. I had a boyfriend in college who was also my sexual partner once upon a time. I didn’t tell him this previously but when I got pregnant, I told him the truth. He now said – he couldn’t digest the fact because he lost his virginity to me.
My husband told me, "I know it’s not your fault but I had to take some steps to reach a middle ground and that’s why I went to call girls to take revenge. Although I went there 2-3 times, I had sex only once. And I would've told you this after your delivery”.
He cried and said sorry to me. I was speechless, I had nothing to say. I couldn’t believe that one past incident from your life could affect your present so badly. That too when you had confessed everything just for a fresh beginning.
I wanted to investigate more. I later found out that he had been using the service before he even knew about my story. I confronted him again but as usual he didn’t acknowledge the same. He asked me to trust him and forgive him.
I was shattered and hospitalised. I didn’t eat or sleep properly for so many days and stress was taking a toll on my health. I was completely fine but then suddenly this news had brought several complications to my health. Doctor advised me to take bed rest.
Now I was at complete bed rest. He took good care of me, same as before. I can never forget the things he said to me then, "I love you more than before. No one can ever take your place. Love and sex are two very different things if you're not emotionally involved."
I was continuously juggling between my mind and heart. My heart wanted to forgive him, wanted to give one last chance to our 8 year old relationship. But my self-respect and brain continuously stopped me from doing the same. What’s the guarantee he won’t repeat his mistake again? He can’t control his sexual urge for some months knowing that I am carrying his child. What is the guarantee he'd control himself in the future?
At the same time, when I thought about divorce, the face of my unborn child came in front of me. But one thing will haunt me for the rest of my life, that because of this child, my husband went away from me. Should I give him one more chance only for the sake of my child? At last, the choice is mine and I have to take the decision. I am an independent woman who can take care of myself and the child very well.
It is very hard to take the decision when two people are staying together and acting in front of everyone as if everything is normal. It's the worst feeling in the world when you love someone deeply but don’t want to stay with him anymore.
Somewhere in my mind, I guess I have decided to give him one last chance. You may say that I am a coward and I don’t have the courage to start a fresh. I am not denying that but I am not taking this step only for my child but also for myself. I love him truly and only I know that.
It hardly matters now whether he went to other women for pleasure or revenge, he had sex once or more than that, the fact is that he went there. May be those things will haunt me forever. Life will never be the same again, it's only hope that's keeping me in this relationship.
One song I can remember today that I read in my childhood,
When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of a storm
There's a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark
Walk on through the wind
Walk on through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown
Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart