I met her on the first day of my current office in Bangalore. Initially, I didn’t pay attention to her but little did I know the changes she would bring in my life.

We had the office orientation in the first week and got put in the same group. That’s the first time I really noticed her.

She wasn’t hot or eye-catching but her eyes were; light brown with slightly golden flecks in them.

I could have stared at her for eternity. Exploiting the fact that we were in the same group, I introduced myself to her and also had a great time chatting with her.

It didn’t take us long to get comfortable with each other.

By nature, I am an introvert and have a hard time mingling with people due to negative experiences from my school and college years. But this time, I had promised to start afresh.

I never realized how quickly the week went by. On reaching the office, I saw that we were also in the same training. That was too much of a coincidence!

It seemed that fate was literally pushing us together.

I was practically on cloud nine. A few days into the training and I realized she was better at the work than me. This gave me an opportunity to approach her and learn from her.

We didn’t hang out after office but those six hours of the day were super special for me.

I learned that she was also an introvert, and found it difficult to open up to people. I had noticed that she didn’t interact much with the people around her and usually kept to herself.

I had heard opposites attract but it seemed that the only opposite thing between us was our gender!

In the second month of our training, we were separated but kept in touch through Skype. During this time, I made quite a few friends who became my fast friends. During this time, I also met many girls and some of them were extremely hot, but I had eyes for no one.

That was the time I realized that I had fallen hard and fast for her. But I had a gut feeling that it wasn’t a good time to tell her.

I wasn’t wrong. She had made a group of friends and I knew a few of them. Through one of our mutual friends, I got to know that she was in a relationship with one of the guys in the group.

I was heartbroken, to say the least, but I didn’t get discouraged.

One could say that I decided to bide my time. I chose to remain friends and moved on.

I’d been single for 22 years and staying single for a few more months was no big deal.

Meanwhile, our whole group of new recruits was moved to different projects in various parts of India. By some miracle, both of us remained on the same campus while most of her friends had been allotted to other offices or had to move to other cities. We had barely maintained any contact in the past days, so we started hanging out together.

I could sense the chemistry from my end but wasn’t sure about her.

Due to my earlier experiences, I stopped myself from making a move. However, I would bend over backwards to help her out at any time. During demonetization, I barely had 500 rupees with me, yet I gave her 200 rupees so she could go home, which she still hasn’t repaid.

When her boyfriend cheated on her, mine was the shoulder she cried upon.

Whenever she had any coding problems, I would go out of my way to help her. I did all this because I cared for her, without expecting anything in return.

However, whenever I’d ask her if she was free on the weekend to go for a movie or hang out, she always said that she needed to go to her family. I could understand sometimes, but every damn week?

Then one day, my school friends had a reunion and all of us got drunk and high. Emotions and stories flowed like water, (and alcohol!). Another friend of mine was also crushing on an unrequited love. Both of us made a (drunken) pact that the very next day, we would confess our feelings to the respective girls.

I had never proposed a girl and was very nervous. I wanted to meet and tell her but she was busy through the day. So I decided to text her.

I know it was a cowardly move but I was desperate.

I had held back for 8 months and couldn’t anymore. So I took a swig (more like half a bottle) of vodka and texted her everything.

She was shocked and didn’t know how to react. She asked me what I’d expected her answer to be. I said, “Naa sunne ke liye toh nahi bola hoga.” But she didn’t feel the same way for me.

I felt like a bolt of lightning knocked me out! It took me a week to realize that she’d said, “No, never ever.”

Being a gentleman, I knew that ‘no’ meant no.

I decided to stop pursuing her. But a heart wants what it wants. Since I knew that she wasn’t attainable, I started socializing frequently and partying more often. I also thought that since I wasn’t very good looking and athletic, she had rejected me.

Maybe she had, maybe she hadn’t. I didn’t really care. But I signed up for a gym and started working out like a man possessed.

I changed my dietary habits and started pursuing hobbies too. I began travelling and joined a couple of book clubs.

All this while I knew that I cared about her, and could return to her at a snap of her finger.

I knew I had to remain in control. So, I started ghosting her and behaved like a jerk to her. As I write this story, I have blocked her from all my social media and WhatsApp too.

I can’t afford to become weak or be seen as a weak person.

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