divorce husband and wife dysfunctional family married man

I'm About To Leave My Children Behind But I Won't Be Guilty About It

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

29-05-2020
New Delhi

For those who do not know about me, let me introduce myself- I am a regular AkkarBakkar and my stories are published as well. But today, I decided to write about my life and more importantly about tomorrow; it is a big day for me, which will change the entire course of my life and my younger ones.

There are many unpublished articles in my drafts which perhaps, will be approved sooner or later. Well, I cannot wait until that day when you get to know about my life in the past decade.

How one decision of my life changed the entire perspective of how we all are living our lives. I have been married for ten years to a school friend of mine, who happens to be my father’s friend's daughter too. We studied together from our fourth to eight standard and thereafter, during our graduation.

Well, I cannot say I knew her, but I cannot deny the fact, that I do not know her completely. And this was the biggest mistake of my life - when I said 'yes' to her for marriage.

I had thought marrying someone unknown will be a bit risky but getting married to the one you know and are comfortable to talk to will be a good decision.

But who could have imagined - it will take my whole life to strike a balance with her and I will not be able to connect with her through my heart till today? We had our first fight in the courtship period, and I decided to call it off because I had realized, we both have very different personalities and could not live together at all. Voila, when you have something written in your destiny you cannot change the course of it, everything was sorted out and we were meant to marry each other.

But did anything change between our first fight to marriage? No. We both drifted apart and never felt like marrying each other. Again, after 15 days of our marriage, we fought, and we were made to patch up as nothing could be done then. Years passed, we fought, we made up, and chose to live together somehow for 10 years.

I think we both are giving up on each other because we both know that if we could not fall for each other in the last decade, we will not be able to in the next few decades either.

We have two boys aged 8 and 3, now I really do not want to raise them in such an environment where they both grow up seeing their parents fight day and night. It is better to call it quits than raising them in such a toxic environment.

I know many of you will not agree on this but trust me, I have no option left as I cannot live with her anymore.

I am tired of this non-intimate relationship. Can you believe we have not eaten a single meal together at home in the last decade? We have not gone on a single evening walk together, we have not done anything together that can ignite the intimacy between us?

People will say, "Hey you've got two kids and still you are complaining about the intimacy? Well for those people I want to say, physical intimacy is not everything. After a certain age, you need intimacy to feel alive, you want to share everything with your better half and they may not be emotionally available because they are busy talking to their friends, playing games on the mobile phone, but do not have time for you. Then you are forced to think of a better tomorrow.

You want to live for yourself, you want to feel alive once again, you want to be heard, you want to be felt. There are many emotions a man can have that he wants to be understood and felt. Like women, men need to be pampered and we value intimacy. 

And that is how a beautiful family comes to crossroads where two individuals decide to live for their own happiness and pleasure without thinking of their younger ones. Dying is easiest for everyone but there are very few of us who chose to live and experience the struggle first-hand. It is not their wish, but they are not left with any option.

They have cried unimaginably on many nights sleeping on one corner of the bed in the hope that the one they married will come and hug them with love, desire to be kissed on the neck and shoulder. They have always been the need of those terrible nights.

But that never happens; those sleepless nights turns into another day with the soaked pillow who has given them that much-needed comfort. You don't realize that there are feelings that can only be shared with you. 

Tomorrow is the day when I will be deciding the fate of myself and my younger ones for a better tomorrow.

There is no point correcting someone for one more decade and then fighting for your freedom. I do not want to be a loveless man when I say goodbye to this world. I want to feel alive and loved back equally. If it is not her then it is okay, there will be something more exciting stored for me in my destiny.

I will be leaving them under the roof which I thought will be the home of my dreams. It will be me who will be leaving the home without saying goodbye to my boys because I will not have the courage to face their question “Where are you going, papa?”

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