There are some things that are perhaps never meant to be okay. Like my anxiety, my parents favouring their "only son" over me, women, in general, being treated as second-class citizens and the deep-rooted belief that only fair is beautiful, among other things.
Or probably, things may change someday.
I am only 24-years-old but somehow, the more I think about this probability, the more hopeless I feel.
So what do I do? I shut the world out!
I stop thinking about the group of boys on my college campus who were shamelessly staring at my breasts, I stop getting mad at the man, old enough to be my grandfather, who groped me.
I stop getting mad at well-educated guys who think feminism is sexism and respecting women only refers to not harassing them physically.
There are other days too. Days such as today, moments such as now, when I find myself crying to sleep just because I am a girl. Just because my father thinks I will never be fit to work in the corporate world or because everyone hates my aunt who works and doesn't cook for her husband.
Isn't this a silent killer too?
Or maybe the noise outside is so loud that people never notice that mute people are also humans and sometimes, they are not born that way but are crippled by their loved ones.
I remember the time when I was at home for a year to prepare for my entrance tests. My mother would constantly bring up the topic of marriage. In a way, that scar still remains.
It comes crawling into my head whenever I am alone, looking for universities in the UK for an MBA. Suddenly I find myself counting how old I will be after three years of work experience.
Would any guy still be interested in me after knowing my age?
But then I come back to reality and start figuring a way through the finances of my higher studies because I know that it will be a huge threat to my father.
Imagine his daughter studying abroad when he doesn’t even like the idea of her going out of the state!
It’s strange but out of all the people that I am related to, only the aunt that everyone hates made me realize how it would feel if “with all your potential you never try and then feel ashamed to stand in front of your brother and cousins”.
Up until then, the idea of standing in front of my brother or that I have potential never came to my mind.
My father would have just replied with a "huh”. Hence, I am bound to believe that all men are chauvinists in some way or at least all Indian men are.
And the girl who once dreamt of marrying and having a family no longer wants it. I don't think I can ever be happy with a man.
I am tired of compromising with everything and everyone. I am tired of my roommate who expects me to keep understand her selfish and childish behaviour, I am tired of this college where motivation and humility is an alien concept and I am tired of all men in general.
Or maybe, it’s not just men; perhaps something is inherently wrong with me.
So how do you love someone who is incapable of being happy?