I Was Raped When I Was 13 And It Just Happened Again

Anonymous Anonymous in Your Story on 8 February, 2017

I was raped when I was 13. They were 5 of them. It happened in my neighbourhood, the place I was born in and where I had spent most part of my childhood days.

It was horrible. I didn't know what was happening at that age. At least not fully but I knew enough to know that it frightened me and shook me. I couldn't say anything to anyone, not even my parents.

I came home, changed my clothes, managed to take a bath and then I felt sick, I had a cramp in my stomach and high fever.

My grandpa gave me medicines and I fell asleep. I was unable to walk properly for the next few days but everyone assumed that it was because I had fallen down the other day, I was klutzy always. I tried to move on with my life but I really couldn't. I somehow suppressed those memories. I kept living in denial because something like this could have never happened to anybody.

Not a soul knew about what had happened and by the time I realized what I had been through, it was too late to take a stand.

Once I had a fight with my ex and he forced himself on me, which basically meant he molested me to prove that he was capable of having his way with me anytime he wished to because he is a MAN. It broke me, he later on stooped to the level of even blackmailing me. He made my life hell and humiliated me. Even after all of this, I tried to block the thoughts of these men for a few years.

But then it happened again in the train last year, I was molested on my journey back from Hyderabad in a train.

It happened when I went to the bathroom at night. I felt sick and disgusted. This time I fought, I really did but those drunken b*****ds were too hard on me. You won't even understand the physical and emotional pain that incident caused in my life.

I still couldn't say anything because I had fought way too hard to get where I am today and I didn't want to give my father a reason to take that away.

I could never tell my parents or family about what happened to me when I was 13 because I was way too scared of the shameless men who did it. I thought there was no use searching for them. I still get nightmares about that day, I have tried so hard all my life to leave it all behind. But this recent incident triggered all the things I thought I had left behind. I can't get away, I know that now.

It feels like I'm poison, I ruin everything. Relationships are not my thing. I couldn't even have a proper relationship with my parents. I can feel the negativity I surround myself with.

I have tried all these years to leave those memories behind but I'm incapable.

Where did I go wrong?
Why did it have to be me?
I was coming to Hyderabad for a new start.
What did I do to deserve this?

I've started taking therapy and counselling now. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, clinical depression, and bipolar disorder plus I often get anxiety attacks. I quit my college few months ago and I am trying to take this time off to get better mentally. 

The physical scars healed a long time ago, it's the emotional scars that are here to stay. I am trying to get out of it but you never know when the depression bug bites me suddenly.

Why don't these men realize that just to satisfy their libido or ego in the moment, they end up ruining a perfectly normal person's life.

I used to be an assertive and confident woman. Now I can't even take a small decision in my life on my own.

I can't go to a social gathering without feeling claustrophobic. I can't interact with the same warmth with my friends. I have become a shell-of-a-person. I really hope that someday I can move on in my life.

I am hopeful and when that day comes, I will be happy once again.
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