My story has more close endings than anything else. At a young age, I started to realize that this world is too much for me to bear, as if I wasn’t supposed to be here. At the age of three, I was hit by a car and had to be retaught everything. At the age of seven, I was hit by another car while riding my bike. At the age of nine, I was molested. At the age of eleven, I was given up by my mother and went to live with a relative till I was eighteen, and I was mistreated the whole time.
Every day was hell on Earth and for years, I struggled to find and accept myself for who I was.
Then eventually, I started having kids and became a father. Two months before my third son was born, I was shot in the face. This made all the demons come out of the closet and consume me at once, all at the same time and I was still trying to maintain a somewhat normal life.
Then one day I woke up and my world was flipped, my third son passed away unexpectedly.
Why him, why not me? That's when I really started to wonder why am I being punished and what am I being punished for. Why didn't I get to go instead of him? To this day, it's an everyday struggle just to find the energy to eat, sleep, and to try to live normally. I just had a daughter (with a different woman) and it's hard living this life wondering what's going to mess up now.
It can't get any worse than what I've been through already, I'm just waiting for the day I go for a walk and come back home to find my bags packed.
And waiting for the day this life will end and I'll be free of this messed up life, the pain and the worry and the hurting, I haven't even reached my mid-thirties yet so I know I'll have a long life full of pain. I guess you can say I have something to look forward to but every time I think about ending my life, I get goosebumps and an extremely great feeling comes over me/ I'm ready to go right now to end it all, and maybe someone out there will be happy for me.