It all began when I was pursuing someone who wasn't right for me. That's when the right girl came along and changed my life. But we fell into a vicious circle of hurting each other. It wasn't my first relationship, but it was the most fulfilling relationship of my life. She taught me that loving someone isn't enough to make a relationship work. You need to fight for it.
I was stupid and immature and often hurt her in many little ways. But she would always adjust and submit, till one day she got tired of it all. I decided to let her go, but oh I loved her so much.
I remember the day I broke up with her, I went back to my hostel and asked my roommate to whip the shit out of me with my belt. The pain felt nice.
But I didn't know then that my roommate, my best buddy, my brother will break my trust. I trusted him and let him be friends with my ex. I was secretly hoping that he would help me get back with her. But slowly I felt him push me out and get closer to her.
If you think breakups are painful, get your roommate involved with your ex. I'd see them talk on the phone for hours, I'd see them go out alone and my heart pumped acid instead of blood into my body. My brain boiled and charred like coal and yet I decided to choose my roommate and his friendship over her and let her go completely from my life.
I blocked her off from every social media account. My dear roommate took this opportunity to get closer to her. He claimed to the world that they were just friends. But I knew the look in his eyes. I knew the look he had when he'd get ready to go out with her when he'd pick up the phone to call her.
Somewhere, I started blaming her. And in order to deal with my hurt, I started dating recklessly. It helped temporarily. But she was always present in my thoughts and when I was with someone else, I missed her terribly. But the thought of her being with my roommate would make me so angry that I'd continue dating more often. My character was in ruins. My personal life was in ruins. My emotional peace was in ruins.
Then during our college fest, we came face to face but couldn't say anything to each other. When I returned to my room after an excruciatingly painful day, I saw long texts from her. She wanted to patch things up between us and wanted us to be friends at least. I had waited for this moment for months. She always had the guts to follow her heart. I didn't. Thanks to her efforts, we became friends again. Our second innings started with a beautiful friendship and a jealous roommate. We came close again. We went on training together and they were the best moments we spent with one another. She was the kind of girl who could bring out the best in me.
Was I falling for her again? Touching the same fire that burnt me, again?
I started thinking about my roommate. He was in my place now and I knew exactly how he must be feeling. I didn't want to hurt him but my heart yearned for her. I was scared. I was confused. How could I still love her? The girl who left me and went out with my roommate? As days passed, I came to know that when we had broken up, all her friends had ditched her too and my roommate was the only friend left with her. That's why she spent all her time with him.
She never had any feelings for him and when he developed feelings for her, she pushed him away. It was my roommate who had destroyed everything and I had held her responsible.
Meanwhile, she knew of everything I had done when I had been dating other girls, but she still wanted me back in her life.
Yet, I couldn't bring myself to enter her life again. I had wronged her. I had defamed her. And what about my friend? I couldn't be with her after knowing that now he too had feelings for her. In the middle of this mental and moral chaos, I panicked. I panicked big time. When my friends confronted me about my present situation, I lied to them and made it seem like she was the one who wanted to get back, not me. The lie got out. All I remember from that day are her cries and her words, "why did you mess it up, again?"
I know she still loves me, but she doesn't trust me anymore. I don't know if I deserve another chance to get back with her, but I love her with all my heart.