I Sacrificed My Innocence At The Feet Of His So-Called Love Until It Destroyed Me

Anonymous Anonymous in Your Story on 28 February, 2018

I don't really know where to begin telling my tale.

I was in the 11th grade in 2010 and back then I was a person who was considered as a tomboy. I looked confident and cool but
had a huge inferiority complex because of childhood sexual abuse, which I never understood and blamed myself for it
I also blamed myself for not being fair skinned, as our society conveniently justifies it to be the ladder to success (I am sharing this detail because it's needed to understand why I did what I did).

I met him in college, he (let's call him Akshay) used to be my classmate and soon became my friend. It started from the day he asked me for my book, in which I was writing notes during chemistry class. in spite of me telling him that he wouldn't understand my handwriting, he insisted on borrowing the book.
Maybe he was hitting on me & I was way too innocent to get the hint.
From that day onwards we became friends. Akshay portrayed himself to have issues in life, which further got me closer to him, as I loved helping and like a sweet girl, I thought I could help him. In no time, I and Akshay got very close and termed this relation as best friends. 

Though I always felt a little more, than that of a best friend to him, I agreed to this as we were from different religions.

I realized I felt more than just friendship towards him when he confessed that he loved my other best friend and I felt so jealous of her. I started ignoring this friend of mine so that I don't have to face her nor will Akshay get to meet her and thought maybe that would make him love me. We kept getting closer. One day,
he told me that what he felt for me, was not love but lust.

Back then, I was studying at an SSC convent school and didn't even understand the meaning of Lust. As he was from ICSE, I didn't want to ask him the meaning and be seen as stupid. So all I understood that time was he didn't love me, but he did have some feeling for me called lust.
I wanted that and thought that he would eventually fall in love with me (how stupid right?!). 

So with this, I kept getting closer to him, I even shared my childhood incident with him, about which I had never spoken to anyone and he was the first person I had opened up to.

I got closer to him. On the 5th of Sept 2011, we were sitting on marine drive, when he gave a peck on my cheek (I was in love with him! This was just the best thing that could happen) I responded with a peck on his cheek. He asked me to do it again and suddenly turned his face, in such a way that I'd kiss him on his lips. Surprised by this move, I stopped immediately, while he turned his head and started looking forward!
Just then, I had a thought "this is the guy I love! why should I not kiss him? Just do it!." I held his chin, turned it in my direction & kissed him! to which he responded equally.

That was my first kiss!

After that, he asked me if I was 'wet' and told me he had 'grown', which I didn't understand at all! (As stupid it sounds, I didn't know what he was talking about!). He tried explaining what he meant, as he clearly knew how innocent I was.

Here was when my unnamed relationship with him began.

We behaved like friends in front of everyone, he also called me 'sister' in front of people at times. But I loved him, so much that the name of our relationship didn't matter at all. There were times where he would say that what we are doing is wrong and unethical as he didn't love me, but then he would say that he felt that I was like his wife!

He would make me feel guilty for the lust he had, he kept touching me inappropriately in the library, auditorium, in the cab, anywhere we went and then, he would call me his sister.

All that while, I understood nothing or rather, was blinded by love and wanted to understand nothing. It started getting difficult for me, as he would kiss me and then blame me for luring him. He would come up to me and tell me that he had keys to his spare house, force me to come along and when I'd refuse to, get all emotional.
All this kept going on for a month or two, until one day, when I was in the physics lab and he called me out. He took me into a classroom and tried to force himself on me, I wanted to hit him, but couldn't because I was way too scared to hurt him.

That day, I cried a lot!

When I met him in the evening, I finally gathered all the guts I had and asked him, "Akshay, do you really love me?". To which he instantly replied, "No Julie, I don't really love you" (this was the most honest sounding thing that I had heard from him).

That moment my heart died a thousand deaths.

He kept quiet for a while and then started touching me, playing around, trying to kiss me and when he understood I wouldn't reciprocate, he said "I do love you ya", to which, like an idiot, I gave in. That night, I asked him to drop me home after we made out, but he refused. On my constant insistence, he came but sat in the train ignoring me and when I asked him why he was not talking to me like he earlier was, he said we were doing other things as well and left me stunned when he asked if I wanted to do the same in the train. I wished I had not insisted on him dropping me.

That was the end, of my meetings with him.

It was difficult to move on, but my self-respect was important too. All I understood was that he was clear about what he wanted and I had let my insecurities grow so much, thinking he was the important person.

I had no value for myself and so, he didn't value me.

I isolated myself from my friends and hence, nobody could put sense into me. I don't blame him either, he was a teenager with raging hormones, but he did play me, to get what he wanted. I have never felt that deeply for anyone and haven't dated anyone too, but now I am a strong and independent woman. I want teen girls to know that they need to love themselves enough so that they don't get played by boys.

He played me because I let him.
Editor's Note:

Share this story if you too know how it's like to have been played.