Why are we so mean to people? Why can’t we understand them? Why do we fail to fill them up with happiness? Why do we promise to do things for them and then not do them? Why do we do things that hurt them? Why do we give them false hopes and lie to them? Why do we stab them in their backs?
My question is why do you do it? Do you know how it feels when you do such things? When I get to know about your behaviour and the way your mind works, this is how I feel. I gasp for air. I am numb. I just see myself falling into a black void. I feel knives are being thrown at me. And those knives pierce right through my body and hurt the human organ that we call a ‘heart'.
It shivers and I relapse into depression again. And I have to try to get myself out again. Do you know that ‘happiness’ does not really exist in this fake world with fake bodies? Words like ‘trust’ ‘love’ ‘care’ and ‘attention’ all seem fake to me because a person like me has become so damn insecure that I just find it difficult to even cry a tear out of my eyes.
I was an extrovert. I had bigger dreams than this. I love my dogs. I wanted to explore the world. I wanted to live a positive life.
But human beings have failed to understand me.
They have created such a state of mind in me that I am not able to do things for myself. I just ruin everything and sometimes I feel I don’t really deserve any of this either.
I feel I don’t really deserve to be heard or deserve to be loved. I don’t deserve to be happy. Maybe I am just a person with a broken heart. Maybe this happened because of all the lies that people told me and fake promises that people made to me.
Yeah! Maybe I am dyslexic. Maybe I do not have the alacrity of understanding things quickly. I am trying to do so. I know it is my mistake. I have also realized the mistakes that I committed.
But I am improving on my mistakes. I am changing myself. But why do you ruin me by saying something or the other again? It hurts me. Every time I take a step forward, I take 10 steps backwards when you judge me and put me down in such a condescending manner.
It takes me uncountable days that turn into weeks and then into months to become normal again and after all this effort you finally blame me again. You cast me aside like a piece of trash in a trash can. You hate me and judge me for the mistake that I did 4 years back. You remind me of every single thing that I did when you throw a tantrum.
It is suffocating.
Do you know that I have suicidal thoughts and feel like killing myself? I get nightmares. I oversleep. I get stressed and end up overeating. And then guess what? I am diagnosed with PCOS.
I land up in the hospital one night and that pain – ugh – it hurt so much. Now there are endless medicines and I have to meet the gynecologist every second day. I have to start a weight loss program to keep a check on the disease so that it does not pose a problem in the coming months or years.
It’s risky, isn’t it? But you won’t understand any of this. Why would you?
It’s really upsetting to believe that you continue to do this every time even though you know how it affects me. I am 19 and have had a really difficult time so far. I lost my actual friends. Those were the people who actually cared for me. I miss those guys so much that it hurts to know that they are not around me anymore.
I know I have messed up but it was not intentional. I was just too focussed on my own needs that I ignored you guys. I AM SORRY.
But all I ever want for you guys is that you be happy and lead a successful life. There are many people who have failed to understand me. My parents, my ex-best friends, my ex-boyfriend belong to this category. They say I have a sorted life.
But do you know how sorted the mess in here actually is? You don’t know – right?
I am still lost in the pathway amidst light and darkness. I feel left out. I don’t have a true friend. So I feel it is better to be alone. I am my own individual friend to my soul. I do not want to complicate my life with any stories or disappointments. It is a long road to recovery. The scars and the flashes of memories are too many.
I just want to be successful and rich so that I don't need people. But I want to help people with the money that I have.
I want to build a foundation or set up an NGO and work for companies that support LGBT people. I want to help the uneducated, the poor, the elderly citizens and victims of depression. I don't want to lose my hope and believe that I will be successful someday.
I then want to become the light of hope for other people….