I believed in God. I thought God would always be there for me. I assumed that if he took something from me he would surely give me something in return. But I was wrong.
I realized this only after I went through this experience. I was in class 8 at that time. Every night I would have tears in my eyes when I went to sleep because my parents would fight and hurt each other. I always pretended that I did not know the reasons for this. But deep inside I knew this was happening because of my father’s affairs. He had several such affairs one after the other.
My father was rich but he did not have the money to pay my school fees. My father was rich but he did not have the money to send me to college. But he had the money to go on trips with his so-called friends.
I would shout and cry every Diwali when I saw my other friends celebrating Diwali with their parents.
I would look at the sky with tears in my eyes. I thought my grandmother had become a star after she passed away and I would talk to her while looking at the stars.
I never let my mom know that I was dying from inside. I wanted to ask her to help me. I wanted to tell her that I couldn’t take it. I wanted to plead with her but I kept quiet.
I couldn’t hurt my mom. I cried in front of my father so many times because I wanted to make everything right. But nobody was bothered about me.
One day, about 7 years back, my dad left my mom and me without telling anything. I somehow managed to get a scholarship and started studying in a college.
And that is when something magical happened.
I met a girl. I was a person who stayed alone most of the time. But I was also very popular. I never knew that someone would like this quality of mine and would propose to me. I did not accept the proposal at first. I told her that we could continue as friends. But later on, slowly, we became closer to each other and then I said, “Yes.” We were so happy.
I told her about all the nightmares and how I had suffered in my childhood. She was the only one who knew what I had gone through. I was relieved to get a person like her in my life. I could share everything with her. She loved me a lot and promised to be with me always.
I treated her like a princess. We would go out for movies, have dinner together and go out on trips and long drives. She had never been to a restaurant before. People would say that she was not classy and would ask me to stay away from her. But I never listened to them. I fought with others in my college for her. I made sure that everyone loved her and respected her as a person. I would pick her up and drop her every day. I would always protect her. I loved her parents – especially her dad.
I had always dreamt that I would get a dad after we got married.
I would tell her all these things. I would tell her that I did not love her alone but I loved her family too. I wanted to be like her dad.
He was the nicest guy I had ever seen.
And people would say that girls wanted their partners to be like their fathers. This was not the case with me.
I studied hard and got a job in an MNC. I had to move to Bengaluru. But she couldn’t do so. I was very upset because I had to leave her and go there. But I didn’t have any other options too. She was crying because she had not yet got a job. But her family knew me very well by now. I met her parents and lied to them saying that our college did not have placements that year. I would always motivate her. But she was losing her confidence because all her other cousins were working and she was still at home.
I moved to Bengaluru for my job. She would cry every night. And I was not able to take it. So I made a plan. I told her to tell her parents that she had got a job in Bengaluru. I asked her to come here. My plan was to bring her here and then somehow find a job for her. I had a few contacts. I told her to come quickly and assured her that I would take care of everything. She couldn't ask her family for any money because they thought that she had got a job over here. I liquidated a few of my investments and we moved into a small apartment so that we could stay together. It would cost us less money this way. Finally, she came.
I was so happy. We set up our house and our kitchen just like it happened in movies. And then she got a job too within 3 months. Wow! Everything was perfect.
She had gone to attend a training session in Mysore for a month. I dropped her off at the station. It was her first job and she was so happy. But suddenly things changed after she went to Mysore.
She did not have time for me. She was always busy with her friends.
We spoke to each other for only about 10 minutes in a day. She would fight with me saying that she was busy. I felt bad but did not say anything because I knew that all this was new to her. A few days passed. And one afternoon I got a call. She was crying. I came to know that she had failed her training exams and there was no one to support her. All her other colleagues had gone out for lunch without her. She told me that she could not stay here anymore and asked me to take her away from there.
I forgave her for all that she had done to me in the last few weeks and told her that I was on my way to pick her up.
I left the office immediately and went to Mysore. I reached at 1 a.m. in the night. I called her and she told me that they will allow her to leave the campus only after 4 a.m. So I had no other choice. I had to wait. I did not get any hotels to stay in and for the first time in my life, I stayed on the footpath.
I loved that too. I never complained.
I brought her back to Bengaluru. After we reached home we hugged each other and she confessed that she used to spend all her time with a colleague over there. She said that he had tried holding her hands one day.
I was shattered when I realized why she had not been speaking to me. She kept telling me that she was busy. I cried all day. Both of us did not have any other place to go to because we were living in the same house.
She told me that she had made a mistake and she would never repeat it again. I thought over it and decided to forgive her because she had been loyal to me.
Slowly things became normal. We took a break and went to a place by the beach so that we could work on our relationship. She still did not have a job and I continued to support her. And finally, after two months, she got another job. Everything seemed so normal again.
She made some new friends in her office and would go out with them. She was happy. But slowly other problems started cropping up. She knew all my family problems. I expected only one thing from her. I wanted her to spend special days like Diwali or Christmas with me because I did not have anyone else in Bengaluru. But she used to fight with me and would always go to her cousin sister’s place or go out with her friends.
I never imagined that she would change like this. All that mattered to her was her happiness and she expected me to understand every time.
I would work hard so that I earned more money. I wanted to get married soon because I had only two people in my life. One was my mom and the other was the girl I loved.
All through my childhood years, I had cried during Diwali because of my father. But even when I was in Bengaluru, I was all alone because she wanted to go out.
In spite of all these things, we planned our marriage. Her family loved me a lot. And to be very honest, we had been together for 6 years now. After a year, they met my mom and all of us were very happy.
I thought that all my problems had ended and I deserved my share of happiness now. But all my plans, my dreams, my love, my confidence and my trust were shattered that day. That weekend, she went to her cousin’s place. On Monday morning she called me and asked me to come home early because she wanted to tell me something. I came. She entered the room and sat down. She then told me something that I can never forget.
She said, “I am leaving you.” I was clueless. I wondered what was wrong. I had never uttered a bad word. I had not lied. I never went out with escorts like my other friends. I did not know my mistake. I never went out for lunch or dinner without her. Trust me; I did not do this even with my friends. She did not answer any of my questions.
She told me that she will be leaving the next morning and started packing her clothes. I felt as if someone had stabbed me from behind. I was finding it difficult to cry or breathe. Again – why me? What had I done? I cried like anything. She was like a baby to me. I tried hugging her. But she stopped me.
Wow – this was certainly not magical.
She told me that she had reached this stage in her life only because of me. She said that she would never forget what I had done for her. I had loved her more than I had loved my parents. I asked her why she was doing this to me. But she did not have any answers.
I clearly remember asking her not to leave me. My dad had done the same thing to me. But she just requested me to stay in my friend’s flat that night so that she could be comfortable with what she was doing. I went without saying anything. The next morning, I found the flat door closed and the keys were kept under the mat as usual.
Now I can define pain.
I thought of ending my life. But I couldn’t do so. I still had to take care of my mom. I couldn’t leave her alone. I had to do my part for her. I am still a part of the crowd. The people around me think that I have moved on because I have never shared anything with anyone.
I am back to square one again. I have come back to the day when I was left all alone after my dad left me. No one knows the truth. And the truth is that - I am fighting to breathe.