My story is filled with anti-depressants on the roadway to unwanted celibacy. I was a very bright student, good at school plays and in extracurricular activities. Everything was good until one fine day the monster entered my life - Anxiety. It would often come along with my periods. Though my mother is a physician, she herself could not understand why I was getting anxiety attacks so often. My anxiety would get more severe especially before my exams. A girl who was confident and fearless when it came to exams and studies now had a phobia of exams.

It was not just the exam phobia, it the anxiety and mood swings and negative thoughts that were worse.

Somehow I managed to live with it till my 12th grade. I was born and brought up in Saudi Arabia. After finishing my grade 12th board exams, I finally came to India for my higher education. My anxiety became severe day by day. I did not know of any other alternatives to overcome my anxiety. When I was in Saudi, we did not even have the Internet connection at home. My dad had done something over the Internet which my mom disliked and she just cut off all the Internet connections. I did not know of any new self-help tips. I came to India and got an admission for BBM.

My mom noticed that my anxiety had become severe and the only way she thought of that would help me was taking me to a psychiatrist. That one mistake changed my life and I am still suffering to this date due to those medicines.

Those medicines took away my sex drive. Oh, by the way, the ghee to the fire is that I belong to a Muslim community where women have no freedom or rights in bed. I discussed my problem with my aunt as I could not tell my mom. She said, “So what if you have no sex drive, you can still have kids”. Such is the typical thinking of Muslim women. I bet that majority of Muslim women who are married have never even had an orgasm or been satisfied in sex. Later I even told the psychiatrist and my mom about the problem and the medicine’s side effect not going despite being off it for a long time.

But my mom believes the psychiatrist. I have researched about it online and found that majority of the people who have taken the drug are facing the same issue. Now all these people won't be lying right? So, I told my parents that I don't want to marry at all. But being in a Muslim society, even if my parents don't tell anything, the society won't let me live alone. So I suggested that they should marry me to a guy who is impotent. But I read that there are medicines to cure impotency or sexual dysfunction in men but not for women.

So chances are that tomorrow even if I marry an impotent guy, he may use viagra and fulfill his desires but I will be left alone.

So the moral of the story is that no matter what happens: Women in the Muslim society are meant to just lie on the bed and let the guy f**k them and enjoy, while they bear kids for him. But they are not to enjoy the joy of lovemaking and feel a connection with their men.

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