Depression, depressed, being sad… are the things which do not have any solution for its cure! Here I am, 29-year-old fighting it from the last 5 years. I was a happy person until something unusual struck my life and left me paralyzed mentally. The first time I felt it when I lost the love of my life. It felt like I lost a very important part of my life and the second big thing happened was when I lost my dad. These were the two incidents that changed my life completely. Now I am just breathing and there is no life inside me.

Coming back to my college days, the fest was on and all the arrangements were on the swing.

The volunteers were running and screaming around, the crowd was chanting the victory songs, road shows were happening and the sound of bikes and cars performing stunts could be heard and seen. People were fighting over silly issues and many other things which happen during an engineering fest were on actions. Amongst the crowd, I saw a girl with specs wearing a white salwar and my heart skipped a beat. I was a guy who always had a second face.

 At home, I was a decent, well behaved and a perfect example for my parents to call me an ideal son.

I never let down my parents and my dad had a lot of expectations from me. My only aim was to fulfil his dream of becoming an engineer. At the college, I was known for my good and bad things. I survived in the college only because of my academic status. I was good in studies and my grades were always high. Hence, the faculties could not take any action on me for my bad things. I was always spared with a warning. I was famous for indulging in college protests, fights, and creating nuisances and other bad things. My college was 150 km away from my home city and hence, I was staying in a college hostel.

My activities in the college hostel included smoking up, drinking, creating disturbances for fellow hostel mates and ragging the juniors.

I was also a guy who never liked the theory of being in a relationship. I was never in a relationship in my life, as I felt it disconnects from the real world and friends. Or maybe, I did not find anyone of my choice. I don't know what my choice was until I saw Sana on that fest day.

Yes, she was the one who could complete me now and help me to discover the new world.

Though she was in the same college for 2 years, I never saw or noticed her before. She was in an aeronautical branch and I was in computer science. After I saw her, my eagerness to know her increased and felt that I had the challenge to make her mine and only mine forever. Days passed on and we both got to know each other very well. In a matter of just 6 months of knowing each other, we both were in a relationship. We had become the new topic of gossip in the college. We were the talk of the college for both good and bad things. She had become my new travel buddy; we both used to travel on my bike every morning when coming to the college and evening when going back to the hostel.

As she belonged to the same city as mine, we traveled home together whenever there was any leave or vacation.

By this time, I had completed my sixth semester and she was done with her fourth, now it was time for the vacation. Sana was mad about road trips; she liked bike rides a lot. Hence, before heading back to our home for the vacation, she suggested that we should go on a long road trip and so we planned to go to Kodaikanal.

Both were very excited as it was our first long outing in one year.

We started our journey in my bullet from the college hostel and headed towards Kodaikanal. On our way, I gave the ride to Sana in highways. She was a beginner but a good rider. When we reached the ghat section, Sana gave the ride to me as it was raining heavily and the roads were slippery. As in the ghats, the roads are curved and bent, one such hairpin bent my bike and we slipped. We both fell apart, injuring ourselves seriously.

The things went blank after this and when I woke up, I was in a hospital bed surrounded by my family members.

I was informed that I was unconscious for 10 days as I had a head injury. I asked about Sana to my dad, he told me that she was fine and her parents took her home. I badly wanted to meet her once I got back home. After 20 long days at the hospital, I was finally discharged and went back home. As soon as I reached, I tried to visit Sana's home but dad restricted me. He said that doctor had advised for 3 months rest and so I couldn’t go out for next 3 months. It was frustating for me to not go out. 

I could not reach Sana on her phone as well. The feeling of losing her forever always scared me.

I missed my seventh semester because of the accident and by this time, I was mentally sad by just being at home and not seeing Sana for all these months. Through a friend, I got to know that Sana had stopped coming to the college. On knowing this, I tried to leave the home and dad stopped me again. I knew dad was hiding something as he was not the person who would stop me from doing anything.

I forced dad to tell me the truth and finally, he told me that I had lost Sana in that accident.

After 3 months, I went back to the college to complete my final semester, everything was changed by then. I was changed and nothing seemed the same like before. I was disconnected from all. Nothing seemed perfect whatever came my way. I went to Bangalore for my project work for 2 months and while I was working there, the tragedy struck again when I got a call informing me that my dad had a cardiac arrest on his way to Kolkata for a business trip. I felt my world has come to an end after I heard this news, I was totally devastated and felt like killing myself as I had no other reason to live now. I was informed that Dad's body would fly to Bangalore from Kolkata and hence, I stayed back in Bangalore to receive my dad's body.

Once it reached Bangalore airport, I could not control my feelings as soon as I saw dad in a coffin and I broke down at the airport.

We took dad in an ambulance from Bangalore airport to my home. Once we reached home, I saw a huge crowd gathered to receive my dad as he was very popular among the locals and officials in our city for his good work against the society and environment. But nothing could satisfy my personal grief.

After few days, I completed my college but I had still one semester to complete which I had missed due to the accident. During this time, my family was facing financial problems and I thought of working in a call centre until I completed my pending semester. I worked in a call centre for six months and completed my engineering at the time.

I got a job offer from a company in Bangalore but I thought of not working here because the bad memories would haunt me.

I contacted a friend and he arranged for me to travel to Dubai. I started to work for a construction company initially, but I was not happy. I was a changed man, my looks were changed, and I cursed myself for the things happening to me. At this time, I realized that I was being a victim of depression. I wanted to change for good, so I thought of changing the job and started giving interviews for new jobs. Finally, I got an offer to be an IT Auditor for the Government Entity in Dubai. But still, I could not get over my depression, I went to counselling but nothing could help me. It has been four years since that incident and I am still struggling to come over my depression.

Memories of Sana and my dad still haunt me.

I have made the depression a part of my life and I know it is going to kill me someday. I am well settled in my life now but this disease is permanent.

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