I Knew I Loved Him But I Had To Keep Refusing To Meet Him

Anonymous Anonymous in Your Story on 27 February, 2018

Read the previous part: The Universe Really Wanted To Make This Love Story Happen And It So Things Started

It was a late night in the month of November. I was about to sleep, and Nik was busy with his studies. I don't know what got into him and he texted me randomly, "P, I love you and no matter what you say, I would never take my words back." I didn't waste a single second and dialled his number right away. I was having a panic attack. I asked him, " why did you say something like that? What is wrong with you?"

And his epic reply came, "Babes, when is your menstrual cycle due?" He thought I was PMSing. Sigh! I hung up in anger.
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By the way, I did get my periods that night itself. And that night itself I rescheduled my flight tickets so that I could spend the Christmas with Nik. Nik wanted to spend that Christmas with me. Something got into me to that night and I rescheduled my date of journey.

It was towards the end of November. I woke up one morning and as usual was greeted by his text. He wrote, "P, I am sorry. I am freaking out. This online dating app thing. I don't know what I was thinking. We should not meet. I cannot do this. I am really sorry."

I replied, "it's okay. Chill. If your heart says, it's not the right thing to do. Do not do it. You need not feel sorry." He thanked me, and we stopped talking. Honestly, I didn't feel anything. I was busy with my work and kind of happy thinking, it was gone for good. It was weird, but I was not hurt. Unexpectedly, after two weeks, around mid-December, Nik texted me again. He was expressing his apology and asked me if he could come to the airport and pick me up. Now my pride started to respond. I refused him vehemently. He said sorry so many times. I told him clearly, "I am not sure if it is my common sense or pride speaking but I know one thing, I cannot be friends with such a weak person, let alone be in love with him." He tried many times to win back my trust and heart.

I loved him, I knew that but I wasn't sure if he was bold enough to acknowledge his feelings. He might freak out again. So I kept on refusing to meet him. Ultimately, he gave up.
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I got back to Kolkata a few days ahead of Christmas. I was surrounded by family and friends, I was in a happy place but somewhere deep inside I kept on feeling this twist in my stomach. I felt lonely. I was not enjoying anything. I love this city of joy, the people, culture, food scene, everything. But this time, I was all alone, and there was an emptiness inside. I refused to accept that it was all because of Nik.

I missed him so much. I knew he was just 25 km away from me. I knew, I could drop by his work place and rekindle our bond. I was scared.

It was Christmas Eve. I was enjoying a party at my place with my friends. We were so drunk. I retired to bed around midnight and just before snoozing I did something terrible. The sole cause of all agony. I drunk texted him. I wrote, "why the fuck can I not stop thinking about you?" Nik left three text messages, called me thrice. I was asleep. It was Christmas. I didn't feel like getting out of my bed. I had a bad hangover and the dreadful thought that I was supposed to spend this day with Nik. My phone beeped. I checked. Oh, my good lord! There were texts from Nik and a few calls too. I tried to recall what I had done. I slapped myself twice hard, as I read my text message.

Nik had texted, "you wanna meet?"

My phone rang. It was Nik. I picked up and without even greeting him, I said, "I am really sorry dear. I was drunk and you know, kind of went out of my mind and blah blah.." He interrupted in between and said, "Merry Christmas. How are you?" I held myself together and said, "I am doing good, how are you?". He said, "I am doing okay. Parents were here, spent a lovely time with my nephew. I will be leaving for home day after tomorrow." We spoke for an hour or so. He asked me again if I wanted to meet him. 

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Even before I could answer (yes), he said "Leave it, P. We do not have any future, anyway. I will leave for home and have to get engaged to this girl of my parents’ choice. Let's not meet and let things get complicated."

I smiled (it was tough), wished him all the luck and hung up. I went straight to the washroom and cried, lying on the floor under the shower. "I love him, why this push and pull?" I shouted out loud. I gathered myself and said, "it's okay. I have been to this place before. I am strong." I went to the kitchen and started preparing breakfast for everyone. At around 10 am, Nik called again.

Without thinking much I picked up and greeted him in the most cheerful way possible, although I must have sounded fake. He said, "Let's meet tonight. We have planned this long ago. Exactly, two months ago. Please let's meet." I agreed.

He came straight from work and picked me up at around 6:30 pm. All the roads were jammed, as it was Christmas after all. So we decided to go to his place. We had dinner at his place, watched a movie and spoke for hours. It felt so good. We left behind all the bitter pushes and pulls and spent a beautiful evening.

Around 2 am he dropped me at my home. We kissed passionately for one last time, he kissed me on my forehead and said, "P, you are awesome. I really respect you. You have a very bright future. We are not meeting ever again, after today. Take this as a beautiful experience. No regrets, nothing. It has been the best Christmas ever. I am in love with your freaking mind. It's so beautiful. You are fucking brilliant."

I hugged him tight and didn't look into his eyes as I got out of his car and moved towards the main gate. I could not resist and turned back to look at him one last time. Nik was waiting inside his car till I opened the gate and got inside. My knees felt weak. I collapsed near the gate. I heard his car's engine racing away.

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I looked up with so much anguish and rage inside. I was wondering, why the Divine was doing this to me.

It was the new year, I sent personalized text messages to all my near and dear ones. I sent one to Nik as well. He didn't reply. I thought, maybe he had moved on, but no he always keeps checking my WhatsApp statuses. I could not keep calm and texted him. He said, "P, I am getting married, I do not have enough time to move on. Let's not stay in touch anymore. I am sorry." As usual, I wished him good luck and prayed for his well-being.

I was not crying anymore. I knew I had to let go. I was very good at it or at least I thought so.
Read the next part here: We Could Not Be Together In This Lifetime But Maybe In A Parallel Universe I Am With Him 
Editor's Note:

Share this story because it beautifully narrates selfless love.