I am a thin girl with large beautiful eyes. People say that I have an innocent look on my face. I have always been pampered by my family. They have showered me with so much love that I never even thought of making someone else a part of my life.
I was an innocent child who was blissfully ignorant of the ways of the world. It took me years to understand that all the people out there in the world were not as good as I thought they were.
My dad was building our house at that time and it was close to one of my cousin’s place. I was in class 6 at that time. We had invited all our close family members because we wanted them to be a part of our happiness. But I could sense that my dad’s relatives were not at all happy about our progress. Sometimes, I think they were the ones who cast their ‘evil eye’ on our family. I often feel this has affected the quality of our lives. One of my dad’s relatives introduced me to a guy. He was 3 years older to me and he said he liked me.
I have always found my share of happiness by doing little things for others.
So I was jumping around with joy when he asked me to get into a relationship with him. I did not even know what ‘being in a relationship’ meant. I just agreed to his proposal because he would give me chocolates and gifts every day. He would visit us frequently because he also happened to be my brother’s friend.
When I changed my school the next year, he too joined my new school. He would come to meet me during the recess and after school too.
I still did not know what ‘true love’ meant. I would just be with him whenever I was free.
Once we ended up having a fight. Actually, my best friend had an argument with him and matters took a turn for the worse.
So I ended up saying that I didn’t like him at all. Without waiting for even a second, he slapped me when he heard me say that.
All this happened in the school. So my mom came to know about it immediately. She scolded me and asked me to explain things to her in detail. So I told her everything. My dad did not get to know about this because he was working in Dubai at that time. But I decided to break up with him after this.
Anyway, I was not really in any kind of a relationship with him. I knew I had never felt that kind of love for him.
In fact, I started hating him after that day. But he would come to me and ask me to forgive him. After a few months, we decided to settle down in Dubai because my dad was now well placed there. I created my first Facebook account after going there. He started sending me messages from India.
I was an introvert and I had not yet made friends there. But I was scared of getting embroiled in another relationship. So I didn't bother too much about his messages.
When I reached the 10th standard, my sister’s friend’s cousin, ‘F’, started liking me. He openly admitted this.
I still did not know what ‘true love' was. So I did not react to 'F's' remarks.
But my sister's friend was very fond of him. She would keep telling me that he was a great guy. She forced me to forge a bond of friendship with him. After a while, I thought there was no harm in accepting him as my friend. He was a good guy. But sometimes, he would make fun of my thinness. I would feel hurt if he commented on it frequently. I would often cry when he did this but I never told him anything.
When my brother came to know about our relationship he was not very happy about it.
'F’s' friends had told my brother that ‘F’ was not a good guy. They told him that ‘F’ smoked. So I broke up with him. I then promised myself that I would never get into a relationship with anyone else.
That is when ‘S' my ‘true love' entered my life. He was my batchmate. We started talking casually and became good friends. We shared a great bond of friendship for over two years but when he proposed to me I rejected his proposal.
I knew I had never been lucky in my relationships. Anyway, I just wanted to be friends with him because I never thought of him in that way.
When I came to know that one of my friends really liked him, I tried to bring them together. She knew that ‘S’ liked me. Their relationship did not work out because ‘S’ was really into me by that time.
I did not reciprocate his feelings but he was my best friend.
One day, he mentioned his interest in another girl. I didn’t really like it. I realized that I had become possessive about him. I knew that I cared for him and had started loving him.
It took me some more time to realize that I had really fallen for him. ‘S’ was so happy when I shared my feelings with him. He promised not touch me till he talked to my family about our relationship. I knew he was a great guy who loved me and cared for me. Sometimes he treated me more like a child than like his future wife.
Things between us were progressing beautifully. We had late night chats and talked to each other secretly. I would wake him up in the morning during exam time. We would study together, flirt with each other, take pictures together and go out for birthday parties together.
But we stayed within our limit. We thought we would always be together.
Unfortunately, when we were appearing for our 12th standard exams, his family was going through a bad phase financially. So his parents had to move back to India. He left for India after we finished our exams. But he promised me that he would return. That day he kissed me on my cheeks and hugged me.
All I could do was just stand there and cry. I asked him not to go but I knew he had no choice.
We now started our long distance relationship. I was eager to meet him again but slowly I realized that he was not going to come back.
But he loved me despite the distance.
Both of us were in college now. His family continued to face financial problems. Meanwhile, my dad left his job to start his own company. The company did not take off and he lost all his money. So we had to sell our house in India to get through our financial crisis. We too were in a miserable condition now.
I had turned 20 by now. And this was the age when girls usually got married in our place. My relatives would keep inquiring about my marriage and this would stress my mom out. I discussed this with ‘S’ but he was not in any position to take a stand at that point in time.
He asked me to wait for him.
He was doing a 6-year course. He said he could consider getting married to me only after that. I told my mom about him but she refused to wait for another 6 years to get me married. She said, by the time he finished his studies and got a job, I would be 25 and that would be too late for me.
I couldn’t do anything either. He too was an innocent person just like me.
His family was still struggling financially and he didn't want to pressurize his parents by discussing our relationship with them. So he just told me that he was not too sure about us now. He said he could not assure me that his parents would accept me. We lived in different districts and he had not yet settled down in his career. So we decided to break up. I was depressed for more than 2 years when this happened.
I had truly loved him. I knew I could never fall in love with anyone else.
I had turned 22 by now. My parents were pressurizing me to get married. I could sense that I had changed as a person. I was always annoyed or angry about something or the other. I was so miserable that I would often end up crying. I was now ready to marry anyone just to make my parents happy.
It was at this time that my ex ‘F' came back into my life and asked me if I would get married to him. He told me that he had changed completely. He showed me all the gifts that I had returned to him when we broke up. I was not really interested in anything at that time so I would just chat with him sometimes.
When my mom came to know about the proposal, she was happy because my dad too knew ‘F’s’ family. They said that if his parents initiated the proposal, they would definitely agree to our match. My mom was excited about the whole thing so I just thought of meeting him once.
I wanted to tell him about my family’s current situation and also about ‘S’ because I knew I still missed him a lot. ‘F’ was okay with everything. When I met him in person I realized that he had changed a little bit.
We talked for a while and then had a light meal from a café. I didn't want to go out in public with him so he got the food packed and we ate inside the car. I could sense him staring at me and then he started feeding me.
I was shocked and touched by his gesture. My eyes filled with tears because I realized that I had always been rude to him. I knew I had been stubborn all this while and now out of the blue, he had touched me with his beautiful gesture. I managed to hide my tears and we spent the day together that day. I didn’t tell him about my feelings though.
When he said he wanted to meet me again, I agreed. I met him and told him everything again. I asked him not to take a hasty decision. But he was happy just to be with me. He hugged me and kissed me on my cheek. I just went numb with shock. ‘S’ had been the only person who had kissed me on my cheeks so far.
‘F’ sensed my awkwardness. I knew he understood how I felt about it.
He asked me if I would meet him again after a week. We were sitting in the car and talking casually. We were teasing each other when he suddenly held my hand even as he was driving the car. He then stopped the car and said he was feeling too lazy to drive anymore. He then hugged me suddenly. I just sat there because I did not know how to react to his gestures. He then started kissing me. I wanted to resist him. I tried to push him away but at the same time, I wanted him to kiss me too. That was my first kiss.
After that, he just lay on my lap and asked me to marry him as soon as possible.
I just took the whole thing casually but stayed away from him. But he grabbed me and looked at me fiercely.
I could see the love that he had for me in his eyes. I couldn’t meet his eyes and somehow this day too passed.
I felt really awkward about being kissed and hugged like that. I wasn't free when he asked me to meet him again. I had to attend several interviews and he too was busy with his work.
I think I have started liking him again. But he seems busy now. Sometimes he just calls me out of the blue. At such times we talk to each other to our heart's content and then he disappears again for a long time. When he does reappear again, I can sense his possessiveness.
I don’t know what he is trying to do. Sometimes I feel he is ignoring me. I don’t try to contact him at such times.
I don’t want to go behind people anymore. If he wants to be back in my life let him take the initiative to do so. If he is meant to be back in my life, he will be back. I had just started trusting him as much as I had trusted ‘S’ but now I feel that he is not ready to trust me.
I am really confused now but I know things will sort themselves out in due course of time. I feel my problems are worsening every day but I know that I just have to be patient and hopeful now.