I Hate What He Did To Me But I Still Love Him

Abigail  Casy Abigail Casy in Your Story on 16 December, 2016

I was in Class 6 when it happened for the first time. He was my neighbour, 8 years older than me. Since we almost grew up together, I was made to look at him like an elder brother. I admired him. But I was twelve when he started to ask me to kiss him on his cheek. I thought it was a way of expressing my love but one day when we were talking to each other, he suddenly kissed me by starting to lift my skirt. I pushed him away and didn't open my mouth.

It was not gentle. It was forced, it was harsh.

He did not talk to me for two years after that. As if what he did was my fault. As if I forced myself on him. Then I was 14 when one day he called me downstairs and he hugged me saying, "I missed you" and this time, I pushed him back saying, "No I can't do it we are like siblings" but he told me it was the 21st century and it'll strictly be a physical relationship and not emotional. 

What happened next with our relationship, I also don't know. I somehow fell for his "friends with benefits" offer and developed feelings for him. 

In fact him not talking to me made things worse for me. Whenever my mind would go in that direction, I would push the thoughts aside and carry on with my life. One day, after six months of doing what we were doing, in the middle of everything, I asked him if he loved me. He said no. He said it was just a physical relationship, what we had. His words broke me. I was devastated.

It was clear he just wanted me physically. I don't know why but I kept believing he would understand my love for him and love me back some day. I was hoping he would see me as someone more than just there for him to 'relieve' himself. We started meeting more often after my confession. We would kiss every time we would meet. His actions grew bolder as time passed. 

Then, I started asking him why he did not have feelings for me. Whenever we would kiss, we would end up fighting. When that would happen, we would not meet for months, but it would start all over again. It was a vicious circle.

Then he got into a relationship and stopped meeting me altogether. When she ditched him, he came back to me. When I told him I did not want this anymore, he got angry. I don't know, but somehow I feel I don't have the right to refuse him my body. We started 'doing it' again, but again fought.

He's getting married soon to another girl and I'm going back to acting like his sister. I'm actually protecting him, and I let him use me. I still can't believe I wanted to marry a man who molested me at first. I was just 12 then, what did I know? But, it happened and I feel ashamed of myself for being the one who is miserable today. He got away, being the molester, I didn't.

Editor's Note:

You accept the love you think you deserve. Some people try to weigh the boons and the banes and decide whether or not to continue to be with someone. But a lot of people lose themselves in 'toxic relationships'. You think someone becomes your necessity and you put them before yourself. Although the writer here seems to know that what was happening to her is wrong in all ways possible, she can't seem to let go. Share this story to let her know that she can be strong and she will definitely be better off without this guy in her life.