I have never felt that I deserve to be loved. It often feels like charity. When people show me affection, I wonder 'what is their ulterior motive?'. It's not commitment-phobia, but I'm often too scared to open myself up to someone. It takes me months, sometimes years. I'm afraid of feeling emotions. So I usually shut myself off from people after a point. My interactions are shallow, my relationships are non-existent.

And then sometimes, I grow tired of being so guarded all the time. I let my fears go (first mistake), gather some hope (second mistake), and become vulnerable (aiyyo, why!).

Obviously, I didn't go around falling in love with just anyone. I recently met a man on Tinder (let's call him Sam). He was in Hyderabad when he had swiped right on me, but he was back in his hometown by the time we matched. He was in between things and he said he would come back to Hyderabad in a month to start his new job. I didn't over-think it. I have weird work timings, so I don't have much time to talk to my Tinder matches anyway. But this guy somehow kept cropping up (maybe because he was sitting at home and he could keep track of my schedule). Eventually, talking to him at night just after dinner became part of my nightly routine. I would fall asleep with a smile on my lips, thinking of something sweet he had said.

I got to know him a little better every day, and we would genuinely build conversations. It was obvious that we were attracted to each other but we would express it with more poetry in our words. I was tired of cliched compliments, so this was welcoming.

And then, who can forget his voice? The tone of his voice was deep and still like a lake, and whenever he spoke, it would gently ripple into my ears. Sam fed me stories, small talk, intellectual stimulation, and sensuality. At first, I began to become more sure of the fact that I liked him, then I liked him more dearly every passing day.

I still haven't met him, and I've become so attached. For me, that is highly illogical. But I allowed myself to feel good when he said nice things to me. I allowed myself to miss him. I allowed myself to think of all that we would do when he arrived- songs we would dance to, books we would read together, breakfasts we would cook in my kitchen. "Baby ji," he would say "Main jaldi aa jaunga na? Mujhe toh aana hi padega. Aap thoda sabar rakho."

'Sabar ka phal meetha hona' is a whole other thing, and quite possibly incomparable to how sweetly he would convince me. I hadn't felt this kind of longing for anyone since I was a teenager. Letting him permeate my thoughts was easy. Being emotional around him was simple. Wanting him in my life wasn't as scary.

But why the hell is adult life so hard? It's practically impossible to have a life when you're an employee somewhere. Corporate life sucks the soul out of everything. And in the beginning of whatever romance I had allowed in my life, there came a villain. The HR folk in his new company called him up to tell him that their Hyderabad vacancy got filled up and asked him to go to their other branch instead. It was 800 kilometres away!

The old me wouldn't have cared much. He called to say that he would have to go to some other city (one that he personally doesn't like very much). And I just said "Fine," because who was he to me? Just some guy I was talking to. I'm a strong girl, right? These things don't affect me. So many fish in the sea and all. Who cares, really? And when I hung up, I went back to our WhatsApp conversation and scrolled all the way up to the top.

To my utter, UTTER shock, we had been in touch only for TWELVE days.

What kind of a time frame is 12 days? Who feels so much, that too on the phone, in a dozen days?! It had felt like forever! I was so emotionally invested- I am still so emotionally invested- that it doesn't make any sense to me. This is not the girl I am. I don't make stupid mistakes like these.

I haven't been proactively speaking to him since then. I pick up the phone when he calls me, if only to give him one-word answers. I'm afraid of telling him that I miss him because I don't want it to become real. I'm afraid of saying anything at all because I'm always on the verge of tears. The last thing I want is for him to think that I'm some sentimental psycho. I mean, I'm sure he has things in proportion- I'm just some Tinder girl he likes talking to. It was only twelve days. He's an intelligent, handsome man who won't have any trouble finding female company, so why would he feel all the things that I do?

I'm actually heartbroken, but I'm mad as hell. How could I be so stupid and hurt myself over nothing? And why is it, that even when I have the smallest wish, it backfires on me like this? It's one thing that I'm convinced that I don't deserve love, but does the universe really think I shouldn't hope for it either? Or am I just some idiot who can't be objective in life anymore?

But then he called me again and broke my silence. He poked a hole in my silence and shouted out "Aap itna sad kyun hote ho? You're only one flight away from me, idiot!" It's not that I don't know it. It's just the way he says it! Usho! So much sweet comes off.

So he has promised that he will come see me. And I know he will. He put me to sleep again and I had a feeling that I might have sweet dreams. They may not all come true, but I could try Tinder again and give love a chance. 

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