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I Gave Love A Chance Again But He Only Makes Me Feel Like I'm Asking For "Too Much"

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

I am a girl who is still in search. I guess we all have watched Dear Zindagi and are familiar with the concept of the chair or kursi. So here I am sharing my chair experience. As girls, from a very early age, we start romanticizing about our true prince charming. Bachpann se hi shaadi ka concept dimaag mein fit kar dete hai. So I am 5'6”, a healthy girl and to say it subtly, I have a good amount of right material at the right places.

So whenever a guy would approach me, I would think of it as love/attraction/liking. But it would not always be so.

I started falling in love with a guy during my teenage years, I really loved him. Our relationship was a long distance one. I would do all the right things for him. I would wait for his calls and messages as I was in college and he was working I used to be so understanding and loving. I would trust him blindly always. I would see him on Skype calls and be happy. We had planned everything related to our future, marriage, thinking that maybe he was also serious, the way I was.

Slowly our chats changed in nature. He started asking for pictures and not the normal ones.

I thought that it is love and shared it with him, without a second thought. No he didn't misuse them, not at all and i respect that about him. But slowly he lost his interest and said that I am not mature enough to be with. I totally lost myself because “pehle pyaar ka pehla breakup". Aise kahin breakups aur patchups hue humaare beech but wo kabhi life mein rehne ke liye nahi aaya tha. Phir aaya kahaani mein naya kursi. After letting go of the burden of my past I moved on after a good 2 years. This time I made sure I would be mature enough, loving, understanding. I took the risk, thinking may be this guy would not be only interested in being physical with me but guess what, I was wrong. He played with me, my feelings, he already was in a 2 year long relationship with a girl. When I asked him what happened and why he came and destroyed my life, all he could say was,

"Behak gaya tha." Kitne asaan the wo words uske liye, meri puri zindagi hila di usne.

So as for the concept of kursi, yes I tried different chairs. Why shouldn’t I? What is my fault if I was born fat or busty? Does my appearance give anyone the permission to play with my feelings? I still wonder whether I believe in love or not, maybe yes, maybe no. Deep down, I want someone to love me the way I am, the way I will be with him, the way I speak, carry myself, not the way I look. Maybe I cannot trust again but somehow I also want someone to hold me and tell me to trust him. He will silently kill all my insecurities and hug me tight.

Because I am just bent, not broken yet.

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