I am a 52 year old single mother of a very enthusiastic daughter. It wasn’t easy raising her, and I always knew that she was extraordinary. So I never set any limits or boundaries for her. As far as parents go, I think I qualify as “cool”. At least that is what my daughter has always said to me. That is until I found a pack of condoms in her wardrobe one day. I became very angry and I lost my temper with her. I rarely do that. That was the day my daughter decided that I was not that “cool” after all.
In the argument that we had, she said “You should be glad that at least I’m having safe sex”.
I look at my very responsible 24 year old girl and I wonder where I went wrong in raising her. My daughter and I have been very close and she has been honest with me about what she does with boys. I know if she goes out with a man alone, even if it is for an evening of alcohol and dancing. But I was very foolish to assume that she would leave it right there. I, like any mother, was not willing to consider the possibility that she may be having sex.
My daughter’s defense is that she is having “safe” sex. And I am vehemently opposing it. I tell her that she is wrong and she should stop doing whatever it is right away. We did not communicate with each other for a few days afterwards because she was stubborn that she was right and I was too angry to properly explain why she was not.
My point is simple. She may be using condoms, but I don’t think she’s having sex the right way. I know many people who are reading this, especially youngsters, will say that I am being narrow-minded and orthodox. But I must request you to not jump to conclusions before I finish making my point.
The reason why I wasn’t able to explain myself to her clearly in the first place was because I was overwhelmed with the thought of “What would my husband say?”. It is always an effort for me to stop myself from blaming him for leaving us too early, because when things like this happen, I feel insecure that I may have failed as a parent. It is a mother’s responsibility to instill a sense of right and wrong in her children. I have been even more worried about that because I have to protect my baby girl in a place that is becoming increasingly unsafe for young women. This is a country where people take the liberty to rape a woman if she is alone with a male companion after dark, and for no other reason. So it makes me even more scared to know that my daughter is sexually active.
My daughter might feel like a rebel or a revolutionary, because she is always talking about breaking stereotypes and being in control of her own life. But she doesn’t realize that she is not in control of anything. She thinks she is controlling birth, or the transmission of a sexual disease by using a condom, but she is wrong.
She is not controlling her sex life. FEAR is controlling her sex life.
Whatever pleasures that her pack of condoms is promising her is a lie. Real pleasure only comes from sincere love making to the man you are with. I didn’t know how to explain this to her emphatically. Then I read this “love letter”. Like the article promised, I did want to throw up. Not with disgust, but with genuine sickness. When I faced more details of this “hook up” condition, I realized it was time for me to open up to my daughter, and many other people her age. Don’t brush me off as old school. I do mean well.
I ask you one question- you young people who feel so independent and powerful, are you truly happy? Are you happy in a way that it doesn’t need explanations, boundaries between you and the other human being you are having sex with? Are you happy in a way that you are not in constant fear of being emotionally threatened by another person? Can you give and receive without your so-called “complications” that would actually not matter at all, if you were with the right person? Can you truly love?
I am quite certain that the answer to all my questions is a resounding NO.
You youngsters are so delusional to think that a thin sheath of rubber is protecting you. But it is actually destroying you from the inside out. Tell me, if you are human, how can you let yourself be in a situation where you are frightened of making life? Why do you need the unpleasantness of maintaining a distance with another person when you’re going to sleep with him/her anyway? And you think it is not “complicated” relationship? A non-relationship with so many ifs, buts, and nots is more complicated than a real relationship. A real, long-lasting relationship has its challenges, but it is still full of love, ability, will power, and most importantly fearlessness.
You follow your low-carb diets, your gym routines, and your beauty routines to be healthy and glowing. But when it comes to sex, you will not let it be healthy and glowing. This is because you barricade more than you accept. You are limiting your experience of sex with fear and extreme frivolousness. In all other ways, you try to be healthy, but not when it comes to sex. You refuse to care for your emotional health. Tell me now- is using condoms an act of self-preservation?
With each encounter of casual sex, you become less and less human. You consciously inhibit your urge to emote because you don’t want to be “serious”. But being emotionally attached is a natural side-effect of physical intimacy. You are stunting your own internal growth as a human being. Even ANIMALS are intensely attached to their mates and mourn separation. What is happening to us? What will happen to the future of our species?
The need for sex is extremely natural and I have nothing against it. But I feel like holding you by the shoulders, looking into your eyes, and saying “It is okay! Don’t hurry for life to happen, because there is plenty more yet to come. Don’t destroy your youth by damaging yourself on the inside. Don’t be AFRAID to love. You are human, you are capable of giving and being emotionally strong. It is not okay to have the kind of sex that withers you inside.”
You were all made with love by your parents, with the intention of being a family in its fullest sense. Don’t be loveless and destroy that intent. I have been widowed for the past sixteen years and I can tell you that love (and good sex) does indeed last a lifetime, and relationships that are even not marriages can be the most beautiful thing in your life.