I Feel Cheated That My Husband Changed His Colours Like This

Anonymous Anonymous in Your Story on 16 September, 2017

A few days ago, my husband and I were out for some work. My husband was extremely pissed with me for openly speaking to him about our personal issues, the intimacy between us, the frequency of sex since our marriage and so on, which actually is a very normal thing, especially in the first few years of marriage.

Surprisingly, for a mature adult, my husband's gestures and what he was trying to say was to make me believe that sex is not an important thing!

He also said, “Couples don't marry each other just for that!”  He seems to have misunderstood me yet again because I was only referring to something that was not up to the mark in our marriage, and not that I only want sex!

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When asked to look up websites, he said that these intimacy issues are cropping up in my mind because of those sites.

He probably thinks that I don't have a brain or feelings of my own, which is very sad actually!

He wouldn't listen to me, nor did he want to look up websites or visit a marriage counselor. Either he does not believe in these things, or has been so careless or disinterested, probably because of his low libido, that he has never bothered to consider these options.

In all likelihood, he wants to avoid them deliberately to not feel guilty about anything! Or, he is probably afraid to lose his so-called reputation, if we were to reach out to a third person or perhaps because I am asking him to do so and as per him, I don't know anything!

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He did try to understand me, albeit momentarily when I said that maybe my expectations are more than his and we can work it out together.

What I actually wanted to say was that my sex drive is more than his but that would have hurt his male ego as usual!

He took some time to frame his answer and said, “All this is happening perhaps because 'you have stopped wearing contact lenses' (I used to wear them before marriage but not every time I met him), 'you do not dress nicely' and blah blah blah!”

Ultimately pointing out that I was not attractive enough to arouse him, which cannot be the reason as I am a beautiful and confident young girl.

This was very disheartening for me but he was happy, as he was relieved of the guilt now. Anyhow, he drove me home and sped off somewhere without telling me. I too did not bother to ask him because I was broken.

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When he came back home, as usual he said, “You can call me a dog if you want to, because that is what you think of me.” 

Then when he seemed to cool down, we spoke a little, although no precise conclusion was drawn. All he said was that boys look for such things in girls and not the other way round. His exact statement was, “I cannot go and get my eyebrows done like girls do. So I will be like this only.” (duh)

I even told him that I am a middle-class girl and not an actress. Things mellowed down for some time. But then came the real blow. My mom called and spoke to him about family planning, which he conveyed to me in a very normal tone at that time.

However, in the evening, while returning from my relatives' place, he clubbed things that were supposedly bugging him since morning or probably since a few days or even months, and burst out suddenly, blaming everything on me as usual. Perhaps it was just his true nature that he, unfortunately, did not reveal before marriage. 

From 'It was planned between you and your mother', to 'it is our personal matter', to 'why did you not scold your mother', he kept ranting on and on.

He literally said, "I have done everything for you but you have done nothing."
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"You need a job, a kid and a good house, all at the same time," he continued. Even though we had clearly talked about all the possibilities open for me in a very sensible manner, that pregnant women do work, there are maternity leaves, and so on. And he seems to have forgotten that he is the one who keeps blabbering 2 BHK, 2 BHK....

In spite of all this, he called me rigid, adamant and a liar! He also had the audacity to say, "I feel more pressure than you because you don't have a job. Even when you will be expecting, I will feel the pressure while you will not!" He literally regarded those 9 months as 'nothing'! For him, it was just 'I, I, I.....'.

There were always more of I's and You's, and the We's were largely missing in his voice and attitude.

Looking at the way he fights with me and shouts at me, displays his anger and vents out his frustrations, accumulated because of reasons other than me, it is hard to believe that he is well educated and has grown up in such a city and premises where there are highly intellectual and broad-minded people. Though I might have to change my mind about this place, after spending a year and a half with him.

I seriously want to focus on my career, have a baby when I know I am ready, have my husband understand my needs and respect my decisions as well as opinions, have him participate in discussions between us as normally as possible, and to live a peaceful life.

But somehow, I feel cheated, as this is not the guy whom I met before marriage.
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Simple, very cute looking with glasses, decent, soft-spoken and what not! I didn't have the slightest idea that he is so short-tempered, over-sensitive about himself, can be so mean and also shrewd.

I also wonder why parents always cover up for their sons by readily saying, “He has a lot of pressure on him that is why he would have said this to you” or “This happens in every household”.

Why is it assumed that girls are living their life without any tensions or preoccupations, and enjoying with no worries? Why should we be targeted at given time, either mentally or physically, or simply become scapegoats for everything?

 

Editor's Note:

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