How I Realised Dating An Introvert Basically Means Losing Your Friends

Simran Singh Simran Singh in Your Story on 10 February, 2017

I didn't know I'll lose my friends if I date someone, sounds so normal right?

People say "It happens, you have to give time to everyone, it will be okay eventually. So no worries." But the problem is, it was never okay.

Almost two years ago I started dating Shubham (name changed). Nerd, smart guy, introvert, that kind of a guy who is always the topper of the class. Everybody liked him. So did I. I love him, he loves me too and as far as the love life is concerned, I am the luckiest person. He never fails to give me surprises, he somehow has a solution to literally all my problems. Everything was well and I was happy, he was happy, my friends were happy.

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He didn't have many close friends, I was the only one he shared his secrets with. Two years went by just like this and I didn't realise it had been so long. But I guess my friends did.

Two of my closest friends Navdha, Sudhanshu (names changed) I kind of lost them. It's not like I didn't talk to them but somehow I never had the time. I tried, tried as much as I could but I could rarely keep in touch. Navdha was in a different section, talking to her became more and more difficult day by day. She found new friends during this time.

The conversation always started with "we need to catch up" and we did a few times but it was not the same. Sud was in my section, at least I could hang out with him in class. Shubham and Sud were friends from even before I started dating him so hanging out with both of them as a solution was no big deal. I thought it would help. I even tried hanging out with people alone but then I didn't want to leave Shubham alone knowing that he didn't have many friends.

Talking to others was not an issue for him but he just never wanted to be with them, he wanted to be with me the whole time. He never said anything bad whenever I went out with others. But somewhere inside I knew he was not so happy. He gave me space. But what would I do with such a space in which I leave him saddened?
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I am friends with Navdha but I know it never will be the same. Two years for God's sake, we have never met properly. Even if the chats were long, they were mostly about others in our class. Not about us. Never about us.

Suddenly one day I read a post on Facebook that said: "Research says, you lose two of your closest friends once you start dating somebody."

Navdha's name popped up in my head instantly. I knew it was true. But what was the other name? I did lose my other friends also but that was mostly because of the change in stream plus they were my really good friends but not so close.

I thought there was no other name. But. I was wrong. I was so wrong.

Remember what I told you about hanging out with Shubham and Sud together since we were in the same section? I thought it was working. It wasn't. Not as if we didn't enjoy each other's company. We did. But somewhere I failed to realise that the person I called my best friend for life and I, we never talked our hearts out to each other anymore. Sud also had a different group of friends now. I used to sit behind in the class with Shubham. Whenever we asked him to sit with us, he refused, saying that he likes sitting in front.

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There was no one with him to sit behind. How could I not realise that he didn't want to sit alone? That sitting beside us won't help. So eventually he started sitting with another person from his group, as she refused to sit at the back. I thought it was okay, maybe he really didn't want to sit at the back. I was wrong here too. All our plans included Shubham. Sometimes Sud included him on his own but okay I don't want to blame him. I really thought it would help. I could spend time with both of them.

The end result being I had alone time with Shubham but I never had alone time with Sud. It was always the three of us.

I also started getting mad at Sud when I called him to hang out but he used to stay with his group ( intentionally or unintentionally). One day, I stopped talking to him. I was hurt. Really. If you have ever had a fallout with your best friend, you'd know the pain. Little did I know that it was my mistake. Shubham gave me space, he gave me time to get myself together and think straight. I felt as if Sud didn't care anymore. We didn't talk for two weeks in the middle. He even deactivated his FB account, none of us had a phone because of studies. So basically I could not contact him.

I don't know. Such pressure of science along with all of this made life hell for me. Finally, one day Shubham told me that Sud wanted to talk to me on Skype.

We did, he started asking me what was wrong. I told him. I told him I felt like s*** and there was no need to act anymore. Maybe he was both shocked and annoyed by this. This is when things started getting bitter. He told me that: 

"We never sat together for two years, never talked our hearts out and I was the one who was feeling like s***."
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I can't even tell you such a loud thunderclap it was on my face. I was shocked. I couldn't type. I didn't want this conversation to go on. I didn't know if I was actually at fault. I did try my best to talk to him alone. I could not and I was sorry for that but it was an epic fail, he tried to give me signals. I was the stupid one not to get them! He also realised that it was his fault too, maybe less than mine but yes.

His fault was not to tell me directly what he felt because he didn't want to 'shamelessly' ask for my time.

We talked our hearts out that day. Agreed that it was a fault on both our side, that we had come to this stage. We apologised to each other. I have promised myself that I will give him more time now. Some alone time. I don't know yet how to handle this but I know I would.

He didn't leave my side even when I failed as a best friend and I thank him for that every day. He at least didn't give up on me and had the courage to start this conversation. Otherwise I wouldn't have known this ever and this venting out of things would have never happened. Maybe things would have become bitter in the future. They won't now. After this conversation, after two weeks, it felt a million times better.

I felt happy, as if a burden has been taken off my chest. Everything is good now. It will be better in the coming days. 

I hope that some day Navdha and I will also be friends like we were. Things will get better.

Author's Note:

So to all those people out there who are either in Sud's, Shubham's or my place. Give this some time. Talk your hearts out. 

Note: I never blamed Shubham for all of this. It's practically impossible for him to suddenly start hanging out with others. But let me tell you he is trying, he has tried so hard to make new friends so that he could give me some space. He helped me go through those two weeks that were probably the worst two weeks of my life seriously. All those people like me, guys, breaking up is bad I know but breaking up with a friend is worse.