I Cheated On My Boyfriend, But That's Not What's Troubling Me

Anonymous Anonymous in Your Story on 17 December, 2017

I’m in a relationship for the past five years now. Everything has been going so well. I love my boyfriend so much. And we’re just so confident about each other. But of course, lucky are those who get to live life without any troubles or hassles; we, unfortunately, were not one of those lucky couples.

It was on a Sunday morning, in July, when I got a message from one of my batch mates. “Hey… do you remember me?” He asked.

I replied saying I did. We never spoke in college, I thought it was a little odd that he texted after all this time. But I thought maybe he was reaching out to all his ex-mates.

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He told me he had recently shifted to Gurgaon from London and we exchanged a few messages about where we work and stay, and so on. He asked me if it’d be alright if we went for coffee sometime, I said it’d be fine. After that day, I completely forgot about my conversation with him.

Then after around 20 days, he messaged me again and told me that he was in Noida. We exchanged numbers and agreed to meet the following Sunday. Somehow, it didn’t work out. But after this, we began texting on Whatsapp.

That’s also when he got to know that I’m seeing someone. He was shocked. When I asked him why he told me that he had always found me very attractive and had a crush on me since college.

I couldn’t believe everything that he was typing because I never looked at him twice in college. He was just a classmate, that’s all. I laughed it off and told him that he was a bit too late. Somehow, his eagerness to meet me increased. One night, we went out for coffee. I was a little nervous, but somewhere, excited to meet him.

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That night, he told me about his feelings for me, again. I clearly told him that I like him, only as a friend. He looked me straight in my eyes and told me that he had no interest in being friend-zoned. He asked me what he should do, to start liking him. I was left speechless.

After that meeting, I still kept on texting him. I had no feelings for him, till the one day he texted me and told me that he wanted me, any way possible. I couldn’t stop thinking about him after that text. Every morning he sent me good morning messages, and he was excellent with his words… I melted more with each message.

He wooed me with his words, and I let myself fall for it. He’d send me texts saying how he wants to shove me against a wall and just kiss me. I would get flustered, I would turn all shades of red, but I never asked him to stop. I wanted him, but also knew I shouldn’t.

Night time, lying alone in your bed is a stupid and vulnerable time. One such night, I texted him. I told him that I wanted to meet him.

He was extremely happy and told me to let him know when and where. During this time, just before we met, I told him that something had changed within me. That I wanted to feel what it’d be like to kiss him. Finally, the day came and because I was working a night shift, he picked me up late at night.

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We drove back to Gurgaon, it was a lovely drive. We spoke about so many things. Finally, we reached his place and he made me a drink. That night we spoke and spoke for hours, I felt like we were connecting on a whole other level. I even kissed him; it was magic.

Now here’s the harsh truth, I hate kissing my boyfriend. And here, I only wanted to keep kissing him.

In the morning, when I was leaving his place, he pulled me close and kissed me on my forehead. I wasn’t expecting this. It was the perfect end to the night. I came back to my place and was prepared not to see him again. I sent him a long message, telling him how I felt about him and how I liked him, but this had to be goodbye.

He didn’t reply. He didn’t send one word to me. Nothing. There was absolute silence from his end and it hurt. It hurts!

I never expected commitment from him, but he could have said something. I noticed on Facebook that he was going out of Gurgaon for a few weeks and how it’d be difficult for him to stay in touch. After that, the worst days of my life began. I began having anxiety attacks. I was so used to talking to him, that suddenly this was too difficult for me.

15 days later, I kept my ego, self-respect, and everything aside and texted him.

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He replied to my texts and we started talking. But there was a difference this time. He wasn’t as chatty as he used to be. But at least we were talking. Now, whenever he wants to message me, he does, and when he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t.

His ignorance kills me. Whenever I try to start up a conversation, about what went wrong and why he’s changed, he doesn’t reply. Now, whenever I try to make plans to meet him, he never gives me a definite answer; he’s made me the clingy one.

One day, he messaged me and told me that he feels sorry for me, that he shouldn’t have walked out like this… when I tried asking him why he did this, but again, he didn’t reply.

Certain questions are still left unanswered. I want to know if he ever liked me or not? Or why did he leave me stranded like that? Why does he keep talking to me, but also ignore me at his own will?

 

Editor's Note:

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